Messy House

One reason I don't invite people to my house is fear of being judged for having a lot of clutter about!

Her house, her life, back off.
Let her enjoy her clutter unless she asks for help in some way.

Funny how we change... I think I was messy as a teenager then had children and it was a case of forever picking up after them and their toys. As teenagers it was similar..forever tidying up. Fast forward 10 years and just me and my husband... lovely and tidy... another 10 years and we often have our three granddaughters so it starts again picking up and tidying. I love having the children but I love the calm of a clean and tidy house when they go.

Sounds like my dear Mum. She lived in utter chaos but she was happy!
My own husband is very untidy, if he sees an empty surface he fills it but I think I’d rather live with his mess than in a tidy house on my own.

That's annoying, but not your issue nor is it your home. My sister-in-law has three kids over the age of 10 and they lived in a huge mess for a long time but were pretty organized with linens and clothes. I was pretty uncomfortable there and didn't know where to sit at times. She was always relaxed and happy...But my house is pretty spotless most of the time and I'm more uptight than her! Studies show that the similarities in the tolerance of mess dictates how happy couples will be in relationships. To each their own. Don't give her a marie kondo book.

Prior to retiring, I worked in a large, new building divided into 45 flats. People gradually moved in, happy to have a lovely, new home. A year later, some of those homes didn't look so lovely. But they were their homes, and we respected their rights to live exactly as they chose in their homes.

What right do we to judge others standards, has she ever said she things about your house. If you value friendship you will know its what is in the heart that counts. Dont look at the place look at the person within it and the love they have bestowed upon you for years. It does help.

I think my house is generally fairly clean, and I like it to be tidy, and things to be put away, but I have a lot of things which I find comforting, hundreds of book, dozens of framed photos, lots of my crocheted throws.

My friend who is a minimalist can’t stand it, I don’t take any offence at all, because we’re all different. I’m not keen on spending too much time at my messy friends house, but I wouldn’t say anything, other than, where shall I dump this, so I can sit down?

Is it a large family?...are there too many pets and/or small children living in the house? Does she work full time? Does she have ADD? A long commute from work perhaps?

Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day to fulfill all the demands of a busy life. It's more likely that she doesn't notice the clutter and is happy with her life. So, be supportive but only if she asks for your help. The rest of the time, look the other way and try not to be overly judgmental.

If she's unhappy, your visits and an occasional glass of wine, could be the respite she needs to cope with everything else.

Very judgemental to call a home you've not seen a hovel. Sorry, it's not a nice thing to say. A d psychoanalysing from afar based on just a few sentences, how professional is that. My late til used to do that to me, and he got it all wrong, but wouldn't have any of it so face up with the truth. I realised eventually that it seemed to be projection on his part, from things he said about his upbringing, nothing to do with tidiness mind, but since then I've taken such behaviour with a pinch of salt and reckoned it said more about the person doing it than the person spoken about. Tidiness can be pathological too I think. My brother drives mum and me mad moving things around for tidiness sake, supposedly, but ends up causing chaos as no k e can find where he's out things, unnecessary as really things were not untidy in the first place, he throws things away too without asking, and hides things, not sure if his motivation, but some of it is gaslighting I'm sure.
If you don't want to visit a messy friend don't, meet up elsewhere, or invite her to yours.
Please don't take it upon yourself to get rid of things. An old couple I used to visit were dreadfully upset when their children three away some of their mementos. What really upset them was when they tflhree away a map which they had marked places they visited and they enjoyed Fermi having a out past bolidays. Took up hardly any space at all, that was so thoughtless of them.
A friend's partner kept cider bottles as mementos, she tried to get him to just keep the labels, but no, needed the bottles too, all of them not just a sample one if each brew. I'd find that hard to cope with.
One thing that bugs me is partially used bottles or packets of things, so when children were at home I'd decent the final few inches into one bottle of the same, eg shampoo, body wash etc. Once that was done there was much more room in the bathroom. But I'd not do it at anyone else's. Don't anyone be passive aggressive either with a Marie Kondo book. Others might see faults in you that you don't see yourself, would you like a friend to give you a fat fighters cook book, .mouthwash or deodorant as a pressie. Obviously if you suspect friend is being abused it might be a kindness to give them the freedom program book,

@SirChenjin I was intrigued by the house crammed with dudes, I was going to ask for the story behind that

It’s hard not to take note of a house that’s so messy it could be on the kind of program that Kim and Aggie used to present. If you’re not naturally messy and used to living in a tip it can be a bit to go into a house like that (and vice versa of course).

Just thinking about this post and wondering how many ppl actually go round to friends houses and find fault of how they live. This particular lady is obviously oblivious to what you think. But you are happy to drink her wine. Hmm. Like someone else had mentioned in an earlier post, I think if she got wind of how you feel then with a bit of luck you’d be first off the premises

Not everyone lives in a large house. Some live in a house with more stuff than places to put it. You could comment about a new storage unit you have seen and how useful it would be. See if your friend sounds interested or not. If your friend is happy to live there like it you should accept her house is her own and she can hove it anyway she wishes. When my children were small I used to have a friend who had a show home she lived in but the children had toys but were not allowed to play with more than one toy at a time. I felt uncomfortable there.

It really is nothing to do with you how she chooses to live. Grin and bare it, or don’t go round.

I think it is intrusive, however “discreet” to take somebody else’s “stuff upstairs”
Wouldn't be invited back to my house.

Providing I am not concerned about drinking out of her cups I would mind own business!

I have been fortunate in my life to have lots of friends
Two of, all these friends, had very messy houses. Bins never emptied, stuff everywhere.
BOth of them, were,the kindest,unselfish and loving women anyone could ever wish for.
They would both, drop everything to help a neighbour or friend out.
Maybe that was why they never got around to tidying the mess. I would sometimes leave a few pens around,as they could never find any. Occasionally,discretely,take stair items upstairs, or little things that would probably be unnoticed.

Stuff not dudes

My next door neighbour is like this. She’s lovely and they’re great neighbours which is what’s important but oh my word - the mess is unbelievable. They live in the same size of house as us but it looks about half the size with all the stuff - bikes in the kitchen, every single work surface crammed with dudes and crap, a dining table that they can’t eat off because it’s piled high. Their kids live in utter chaos, it’s quite shocking actually. They’re not short of money at all (family money) and they both work part tome so plenty of time to tidy up, they’re just not interested.

A bit of family clutter is one thing but when your house could be the subject of a TV documentary then that’s quite another level of mess.

Look at it this way, do you go to visit your friend or her house?

Sounds like my home. It is DH who is the guilty one- he is a nightmare- leaves everything where it falls!! I do my best but at times I just think Oh Sod it!! That is usually when someone calls in unexpectedly!
We have 4 cats so it is always hoovered & work surfaces clean- it's just the mess he leaves everywhere.
Eventually I gather it all up & pile it on his side of the bed so he has to do something before he can get in- usually finishes up on the floor.

If anyone gave me a Marie Kondo book for Christmas they would be told - not very politely - where to put it

I had to laugh at the (barking) presumption of some responses though - report to SS as a health hazard? Pretend to “trip” to show the dangers? Find out what psychological issues the friend has which prevent her from “moving on”?
The one about the Marie Kondo Book has to be the most bonkers

Lyndiloo Do you go to judge her housekeeping or to spend time with your friend?
If it really concerns you, why don’t you meet her outside, coffee shop perhaps?
Personally, I would not recommend suggesting you help tidy up. You could even lose your friend that way, unless you know her well enough to know she would welcome it.

This thread made me smile. Our house is clean and generally clutter free. OH is extremely tidy his "personal spaces", garage and office , are maintained with military precision. His sisters house on the other hand , although clean, is the exact opposite. Their dining room is never used as it has been taken over by mounds of black bags full of stuff, can't really see the furniture !
Over the years it has become a running joke between my family as to whether this time when we visit the ironing board will have found it's way back to the cupboard or still be a shelf !!
We love them dearly just find it amusing. We would never dream of making any comment - none of our business.