Perils of buying on e-Bay!
Man orders a penis enlarger. Receives a magnifying glass with a warning label "Do not use in direct sun!" 
Stressed since husband retired
Gransnet forums
Chat
We had our OBE Christmas Party yesterday, before our breakup for Christmas and Summer holidays! One of the many highlights was that we had to read out the "joke' in each of our crackers.
As usual, 98% fell into the "Groan" category, but one "Grin;
"What do you give someone who has everything?"
"Antibiotics!"
OoRoo 
Oh Dear! HQ replied it was deleted because my post "targeted a certain user": obviously someone without a sense of humour doesn't like Border Collies!
OoRoo
Trying to avoid having this thread atrophying and suffering the dreaded "deletion"
Groan Oh dear! I started up a thread today and "Wham" it's already been deleted! It was a lovely video about Border Collies. Of course I've had to ask HQ, yet again! for the courtesy of a reply detailing which guideline has been breached. They never seem to "get it!"
OoRoo
Trying to avoid having this thread atrophying and suffering the dreaded "deletion"
Max Miller; remember him? One of his old jokes as recounted in The Oldie" by Barry Cryer.
"This bus breaks down. Driver says to the conductress, "I'll fix this, love". He's got his head under the bonnet. Ten minutes go by. Passengers getting restless. Conductress goes down and says "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He says "No!. we're ten minutes late already." 
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
www.youtube.com › watch
Have a look! Don't know how I got this, but if there isn't something you like, well! 
OoRoo
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bl***y starving."
Oh Dear! Didn't anyone pull a cracker on the 25th.? Or couldn't you afford the jokey ones?
So please share them, no matter how corny, or otherwise this thread may be "pulled"
OoRoo
Loving the corny Christmas jokes
Alishka Welcome! Just as well, because I'm sure there are literally thousands out there in crackers waiting to be pulled.
One for the "Groan" ledger
"what did Mr. Claus say to Mrs. Claus?
"It looks like rain dear!" Sorry!
One for the "Grin" ledger; although not strictly a joke; I found it amusing anyway!
Cartoon caption; small boy handing school report to his father; "I got an "E" in English Dad; What's an "E"?
Pamela Right! Soon after being head-hunted to join Gransnet, I decided to wear my insignia to impress HQ. Somebody asked what did I get my OBE for!
"Non-regal award for long service to the Queen"
Quite a number at the lawn bowls club, but very few OBNs; lack of demand!
OoRoo
Loving the corny Christmas jokes
Hello rufus hope that things are OK for you in your part of this hotted up globe. Just keep your cool jokes coming 
I kept all the jokes from the various Christmas parties I attended, to give to my 10 year old grandson.
He stuck them all into the Xmas card he made for his Mum
In the " older " version, it used to be Penicillin. It has more strength of meaning, hahahahaha.
Ellan That must have been before my time! Don't forget, these were Chinese crackers, made in China, would you believe Most bugs have long since become resistant to penicillin and now "broad spectrum" drugs make a "stronger" gift!
This one of GreatNan's is definitely a grin!
"After a busy day, an elderly friend of mine settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-
Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train
- yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting
- no, not with my secreatary, with the boss- no darling you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"
Rufus.
Happy Christmas.
Rufus great gift idea 
More Grins, but not very "Christmassy!" With it being so hot (45C) today, my nurse told me to stay indoors and so I did a fair bit of browsing, without feeling guilty. 
Whilst following a thread about Chris Montez up pops a series of Alf Garnett's ""Till Death us do part|" 
Obviously unexpurgated!
How times have changed!
OoRoo
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »