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Grins Or Groans!

(26 Posts)
Rufus2 Fri 20-Dec-19 10:58:49

We had our OBE Christmas Party yesterday, before our breakup for Christmas and Summer holidays! One of the many highlights was that we had to read out the "joke' in each of our crackers.
As usual, 98% fell into the "Groan" category, but one "Grin;

"What do you give someone who has everything?"

OoRoo tchgrin wine wine wine

Anniebach Fri 20-Dec-19 11:02:20

Rufus 😀

Rufus2 Fri 20-Dec-19 13:08:54

More Grins, but not very "Christmassy!" With it being so hot (45C) today, my nurse told me to stay indoors and so I did a fair bit of browsing, without feeling guilty. smile
Whilst following a thread about Chris Montez up pops a series of Alf Garnett's ""Till Death us do part|" tchshock
Obviously unexpurgated!
How times have changed! grin

Mollymalone6 Fri 20-Dec-19 13:13:32

Rufus great gift idea tchsmile

EllanVannin Fri 20-Dec-19 14:29:16

In the " older " version, it used to be Penicillin. It has more strength of meaning, hahahahaha.

merlotgran Fri 20-Dec-19 14:32:04

tchgrin Rufus.

Happy Christmas.

PamelaJ1 Fri 20-Dec-19 16:33:45

I think that your OBE has a slightly different meaning than ours😂.
Merry Christmas.

Rufus2 Sat 21-Dec-19 00:44:48

This one of GreatNan's is definitely a grin! tchgrin

"After a busy day, an elderly friend of mine settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-
Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train
- yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting
- no, not with my secreatary, with the boss- no darling you're the only one in my life
- yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"

Rufus2 Sat 21-Dec-19 01:05:58

In the " older " version, it used to be Penicillin. It has more strength of meaning, hahahahaha.
Ellan That must have been before my time! Don't forget, these were Chinese crackers, made in China, would you believe Most bugs have long since become resistant to penicillin and now "broad spectrum" drugs make a "stronger" gift! tchgrin

BradfordLass72 Sat 21-Dec-19 06:56:12

I kept all the jokes from the various Christmas parties I attended, to give to my 10 year old grandson.

He stuck them all into the Xmas card he made for his Mum grin

Urmstongran Sat 21-Dec-19 07:53:16

What a great idea BradfordLass!

I’ve got 2 Christmas ‘knock knock’ jokes to share with our 7y old grandson at teatime (he’s just ‘inti’ them now!) ...

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Mary who?
Merry Christmas!!


Knock knock
Who’s there?
Anna who
‘Anna partridge in a pear tree’! 🎵🎶

Alishka Sat 21-Dec-19 18:46:18

Loving the corny Christmas jokesgrin
Hello rufus hope that things are OK for you in your part of this hotted up globe. Just keep your cool jokes coming wink

Rufus2 Sun 22-Dec-19 09:34:39

Loving the corny Christmas jokes
Alishka Welcome! Just as well, because I'm sure there are literally thousands out there in crackers waiting to be pulled.
One for the "Groan" ledger
"what did Mr. Claus say to Mrs. Claus?
"It looks like rain dear!" Sorry!

One for the "Grin" ledger; although not strictly a joke; I found it amusing anyway!
Cartoon caption; small boy handing school report to his father; "I got an "E" in English Dad; What's an "E"?

Pamela Right! Soon after being head-hunted to join Gransnet, I decided to wear my insignia to impress HQ. Somebody asked what did I get my OBE for! grin
"Non-regal award for long service to the Queen"
Quite a number at the lawn bowls club, but very few OBNs; lack of demand! sad

Rufus2 Thu 26-Dec-19 12:07:20

Oh Dear! Didn't anyone pull a cracker on the 25th.? Or couldn't you afford the jokey ones?
So please share them, no matter how corny, or otherwise this thread may be "pulled" sad

Rufus2 Fri 27-Dec-19 11:19:11

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great . . . that's just great . . . Some arsehole's got my pen

Megs36 Fri 27-Dec-19 16:22:59

Hi Rufus, sounds like it’s been a laugh in Ozland. Long may it continue.☺️. Keep safe and not too warm !

Rufus2 Sat 28-Dec-19 04:15:20

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bl***y starving." hmm

Rufus2 Sat 28-Dec-19 09:15:16 › watch

Have a look! grin Don't know how I got this, but if there isn't something you like, well! sad

Rufus2 Sat 28-Dec-19 10:18:51

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

Rufus2 Wed 08-Jan-20 09:37:31

Trying to avoid having this thread atrophying and suffering the dreaded "deletion"

Max Miller; remember him? One of his old jokes as recounted in The Oldie" by Barry Cryer.

"This bus breaks down. Driver says to the conductress, "I'll fix this, love". He's got his head under the bonnet. Ten minutes go by. Passengers getting restless. Conductress goes down and says "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He says "No!. we're ten minutes late already."

Rufus2 Wed 08-Jan-20 14:06:21

Jane10 Wed 08-Jan-20 14:25:00

I can't remember any of the jokes from the crackers this year. I do know they were all groaners.
Shopping today I noticed boxes of 12 crackers down to £1 each. I should have bought some as the wee boys live crackers.

Jane10 Wed 08-Jan-20 14:27:03

That's love crackers!!
Hope things stay OK where you are rufus. Our news bulletins are full of the awful news from Oz.
Poor people, poor animals, especially wombats (my favourites)

Rufus2 Tue 14-Jan-20 13:36:26

Trying to avoid having this thread atrophying and suffering the dreaded "deletion"
Groan Oh dear! I started up a thread today and "Wham" it's already been deleted! It was a lovely video about Border Collies. Of course I've had to ask HQ, yet again! for the courtesy of a reply detailing which guideline has been breached. They never seem to "get it!"confused

Rufus2 Thu 16-Jan-20 00:39:50

Oh Dear! HQ replied it was deleted because my post "targeted a certain user": obviously someone without a sense of humour doesn't like Border Collies! grin