Don’t tell me that! The things our adult children tell us that we wish they wouldn’t

Part of the problem is the change in standards over the generations.
In my teens Dad wouldn't even allow me to go into a pub. Girls had no birth control methods (except saying no).

I did find out from my daughters when they were older about the escapades they were involved in during their teens. I'm quite relieved I didn't know.

I don't have that problem LoveOc. My 4 are independent and wouldn't dream of asking us for money. Maybe it's because we don't have much.

I was quite shocked when I discovered that an elderly widower I know, is constantly being asked for money by his feckless AS.
I was angry on his behalf but for all I know it makes him feel needed.

When our girls were late teens they shared everything. (Still do, bless). But oh how much did I want to be those parents walking round with a big daft grin on their faces saying ‘mine wouldn’t/don't’. Hmm.

Some of those parents were strict and judgemental but didn’t know the HALF of what was going on with their kids!!

Our girls shared stories about secret (from the parents) friends abortions, tales of drug taking. Etc.

I had a few sleepless nights back in the day but felt honoured I supposed that I was a trusted adult.

Thanks Destin! I know what you mean about grand children, we feel the same. Hard isn't it?

LoveOc......perfectly normal in our family .....and one grown up son will share his money (or lack of) troubles and hardships with us periodically, which disturbs us but if it involves our granddaughters wellbeing, then we have been known to ‘cave in’.

I believe our daughter may have similar ‘needs’ from time to time, but her husband has very willing and generous parents who seem to bail them out from time to time .....not that we are ever told or do we ever ask.....or do we want to know either!

One of the scariest moments in my life was when I read a text on my phone which started "Mum, I really don't want you to worry but ...." Talk about your blood running cold! Those are words you obviously do not want to read or hear. My daughter had been injured at work, had a BIG, deep cut on her arm and was getting someone to text for her from hospital. I was at work, could not get away for ages (social care, no-one to cover my shift). Later, seeing the wound, stitched by then, was bad enough but when I saw the photos that had been taken of the injury before it had been stitched, I nearly vomited.
As a parent/gran, I would far rather be told about any problems as they arose/developed, than suddenly be hit with something devastating.

We have two married sons who both have given us grand children. The eldest does seem to tell us of all the worries they have. Unfortunately usually to do with lack of money. Our youngest son tells us very little indeed. However he too does tell us if it is a case of requiring money. I do wonder if this is normal in other families.

Exactly MamCaz - it’s called offloading your worries on to somebody else’s shoulders.....it’s really a great option for the ‘giver’ but (at this stage in life) much too burdensome and ‘anxiety causing’ for the ‘receiver’!

I never confided in my parents. It probably says more about me than them, though. When I think back now to the things I hid from them, I really find it hard to understand why. Some of them are unbelievable!

My own sons are very different personalities. One isn't likely to tell me his problems but he is not worrier, and is very good at sorting things out, and takes things in his stride.

His brother is a big worrier and despite being married, still offloads on us. It's good to he feels he can do that, but quite often he has forgotten all about the problem within days (or replaced it with another), while I am still losing sleep over it!

MissA

I've only fairly recently learned that my flat was the best place for playing truant.

That is true EMMF1948. I am sure she could have confided in her DD had she wanted to. Her choice.
I thought her DD felt sad that she wasn't confided in and her DGD worried about breast cancer afterwards.

Personally I would hate to think my DC or in-laws could not confide in me/or ask for advice, but I would never seek to intrude.

Too much suffering alone.

Only she could have decided, others would call it keeping things private. I don't think that in my 71 years I have discussed medical matters with anyone other than the professionals who needed to know. My late mother apparently told my cousins that she had been disappointed that I'd never said anything about the details of the births of my children! Why on earth would I?

My Dgm had a mastectomy in about 1960 and told noone. She booked herself on a trip to Lourdes. It wasn't until after she died, in the '80s her DD read her diary which revealed all.
Too much suffering alone.

If you can't confide in your parents who can you confide in........

We have two grown up children, both married and both with teenagers. But their lives seem complicated and at times crisis filled! We love them all unconditionally even though at times we don’t necessarily agree with what they say, what they do and how they act. I’ve always believed in the old saying that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ but the older I get (I’m now 77) I really crave for less ‘drama’ from them ....like being told about any of their current issues ....because it just makes me worry and fret. I am also very conscious of the generation gap - I’m pretty sure they don’t want advice, and probably wouldn’t take my advice anyway.....they just want to ‘unload’ and then move on with their day!

In turn, I am realizing that don’t really feel good mentally and emotionally when I’m bogged down with worry filled days and sleepless nights - which is what happens too often because of trying to think of ways to help them through negative situations, so I am switching off my ‘share your worries with your dear old mum’ button these days! It takes a bit of practice because it’s not a natural instinct of a caring mum who wants their offspring to always have a carefree happy life .....but neither is that idea realistic in this day and age.

I feel much more at ease with myself now I’ve taken this decision .... I look upon it as a necessary health benefit I owe myself - the healthier we remain as we age, then the less our kids have to worry about us!

Didn’t share!

Meant to add I share things with my parents. Dad would have worried to much and Mum said she expected us to get on with things.

My children tell me things, problems, anxieties or just to offload-so do some other family members, but a bit like 4allweknow said, they don’t expect me to sort it out.

Yes I agree. I didn't tell my parents anything. I loved them but we just didn't have that kind of relationship. My DD has always told me everything (well almost everything) and sometimes I wish I didn't know things. But my DS never tells me anything so I probably worry more about him and his life because I can imagine all sorts in the middle of the night!

Such an interesting thread. Gillyknits, I so agree that listening is far more important than worrying. I've got 4DC, all married and most with children. I've had to learn to listen without taking on their burdens, otherwise I'd be sunk! There's a lot of talk about Mindfulness so I decided to try it using one of the popular Apps. I'm now thoroughly addicted and if I find myself struggling I just open the App and do something really basic!

The philosophy my parents applied to me and siblings when we were adults was " you made your bed now lie on it". Stood us all in good stead to sort out our own problems and accept responsibility for what we did or didn't do. Just knew no point in telling them until it was all sorted or decisions made. No one else was going to sort everything out. Bit different from today when the philosophy seems to be "it's everyone else's responsibility to sort it out". My family do tell me of situations but not expecting me to sort it, it's more a case of asking for opinion on say a couple of solutions they have come up with.

Morethan2 my children have always confided in me and they have encouraged their friends to too. Oh I have been told some things and shown some too. I will never forget one of sons friends asking me to check his manhood, he was 17 at the time. Well I ran for the door as he started to undress and told him to go to GP, there was absolutely no way was I checking. They thought it was ok to tell me any thing and obviously show me as I was a qualified nurse. Some times they popped in for a chat and cuppa, still do. Dont deprive young people of having some one to talk to as alot of them have no one, listen.

I never felt able to tell my parents anything - or my snitch of a sister. Dad was a worrier with PTSD (although it wasn't recognised back then) and Mum had troublesome MH problems.

My kids share just about everything and I'm glad they do. Eldest daughter knows that, should she have a row with her OH, she can descend on me with the kids for an overnight stay - to 'teach him a lesson'!