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I am worried about my grandson

(41 Posts)
Stumpy2561 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:07:26

This is the first time I have ever done this. This seems like a well balanced site, so I am hoping this will go well.

I am concerned about my 8 year old grandson. His mother has met a new bloke, and we have been told by a few different people he swears in front and at our grandson, this has been confirmed by my daughter, his auntie.
Discussion with his mother is impossible, as she has cut us out of her life, but occasionally allows us to see our grandson. They live in the next village.
I am concerned for my grandson, the last bloke moved out on less than 2 weeks ago, and the new one was in a week ago, I am worried what some one who can shout and swear at him today might do tomorrow. Advice please

inkcog Thu 26-Dec-19 19:15:13

2 weeks, kinda short turnaround.

notanan2 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:17:45

Swearing isnt necessarily considered rude or aggressive in some regions and groups. In fact its seen as friendly by some. That by itself isnt much to go on.

Youre basing your opinion of him on second hand gossip. If you really are well intentioned, invite him for lunch and get to know him yourself!

Doodledog Thu 26-Dec-19 19:18:14

People have very different attitudes to swearing. Some people just don't see an issue, whilst others are very upset by it. Maybe this chap is in the former camp, and is not being aggressive in his choice of language, just has a different attitude from yours?

I would be a lot ore concerned about the shouting (although not entirely comfortable with the swearing,I would try not to judge). Shouting is aggressive, and I wouldn't like to think of an 8 year old, who can't really answer back, having to take being shouted at by someone bigger than him.

I don't know that there is much that you can do, though - particularly as all you have to go on is hearsay, and as you are not allowed to see your grandson's mother (your DIL?). Is there a reason for that?

Does he come to visit you at all? If you got a chance to speak directly to him, without putting words into his mouth, you might find that it puts your mind at rest, or that he tells you something more concrete that you can act on in some way. Alternatively, you could contact his school and ask them to keep an eye on him, but I would do that only as a last resort.

Doodledog Thu 26-Dec-19 19:18:43

Cross posted, Notanan2 smile

MissAdventure Thu 26-Dec-19 19:22:56

I can't understand at all a woman that would let a stranger shout at her child.

Sorry, I know that's no help.

sodapop Thu 26-Dec-19 19:24:00

Helpful comment inkcog I think Stumpy is aware of that..

I agree with notanan2 don't listen to gossip, try and get to know the new man. I can understand your concerns and your grandson must be your priority. It's difficult to stand back sometimes I know,

notanan2 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:25:27

At this point, it sounds like whether the swearing is aggressive and accompanied by agressive shouting or not is a matter of chinese whispers.

Doesnt sound like OP has met the chap.

inkcog Thu 26-Dec-19 19:29:37

Cheers, soda, but really does old " dad " move out and new one move in , int a period of 2 weeks and then start abusing kids? Ah well happy days

inkcog Thu 26-Dec-19 19:32:14

Sorry re reading now, its one week between partners. Nice.

notanan2 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:32:22

Some people shout AT people (bad).

Others have "shoutey" demonstrative dialects (not bad).

Could the gossip be digs at the mother for dating veiled as concern for the boy (who may be well cared for and happy).

Or is the mother vulnerable or neglectful and providing a volitile environment for the child.

If the aunty had genuine justifyable concerns, wouldnt they get onto school/safeguarding/SS, or get round there to help, rather than onto the blower to talk about "what she's done now"?

Hetty58 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:33:38

One of my daughters habitually swears a lot. My other three kids don't. I really don't think that it's important at all. I rarely feel the need to and I've never personally heard her children swear - although they must know all the words by now.

I don't believe that somebody who swears would be more likely to be physically aggressive. Perhaps you are anticipating trouble needlessly. I'd just keep a close eye on things and maintain regular contact with your grandson.

notanan2 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:35:01

A good way to sort genuine concern from gossip about parents veiled as concern for their kids is to say "oo if its as you sau that sounds bad! So what have you done about it? Have you told the authorities?"

The gossips back track
The genuine agonise about whether or not they should.

I have used that line on gossips it works.

Starblaze Thu 26-Dec-19 19:37:28

Some people are loud and sweary, doesn't necessarily mean they are bad. Her love life is her business. Not sure what you could do about either if she doesn't talk to you so probably better to stay out of it.

Urmstongran Thu 26-Dec-19 19:44:45

The shouting from a new male in the household to an 8 year old would worry me. Things might escalate. But what do do if you are estranged from your daughter OP?

At least you are allowed to occasionally see your grandson. You might find (with very gentle probing) that he confides in you.

His mother should be wary. It is her duty as a parent to keep her child safe. Let’s hope she takes her responsibilities seriously and puts her son’s needs before her own.

inkcog Thu 26-Dec-19 19:47:01

She must have some serious needs if she moves the new one in one week after the other one.

notanan2 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:47:31

The more you think about it, the more her sister going to you about this casts doubts onto her intentions.

As you are not close to your DD how could you help? So your other DD didnt tell you so you could help the situation. But she did tell you knowing you probably wont have seen the other daughter's point of view.

I think call the dd/aunty's bluff. If its putting her DN what has she done about it? How does she think you can help?

2 weeks might sound swift, but they may have been friends for years, dancing round each other, and finally declared their love!
Or it might be casual and shes just enjoying the sex. Thats okay too.
"Moved in" (via chinese whispers) could mean he is controlling a vulnerable woman.. OR it could mean he (shock! Horror!) stayed the night and was seen going to work from their in the morning!

notanan2 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:49:51

She must have some serious needs if she moves the new one in one week after the other one.

She might . She might be fragile and struggles to be alone so puts uo with bad behaviour from men rather than have no man around.

Or she might just have a high sex drive and has her casual boyfriends stay over frequently

inkcog Thu 26-Dec-19 19:54:44

A high sex drive? er no, the 8 year old is her number one priority.

notanan2 Thu 26-Dec-19 19:59:27

A high sex drive? er no, the 8 year old is her number one priority

Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Urmstongran Thu 26-Dec-19 20:01:29

I agree inkcog poor boy if his home has a revolving front door.

Yes I think you’re right notanan the other daughter should raise any concerns with her sister directly, not involve her mum.

MissAdventure Thu 26-Dec-19 20:01:50

I think they should, at least for a while.

inkcog Thu 26-Dec-19 20:07:04

How high must it be FFS? A week? A new partner? Mmmm. troll in out midst.

Urmstongran Thu 26-Dec-19 20:20:11

inkcog we are behind the times. Date sites like Tindr just swipe left or right. They meet up and often sex is sought and expected on the first meet up. Look at that poor 21y old lass in Australia recently who got murdered in that hotel room after (he alleged) consensual rough sex.

A different world.

inkcog Thu 26-Dec-19 20:23:43

I am horribly behind the times, but I stick to my morals. For God's sake the woman could have waited and put somebody other than herself first.