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Unsure when to leave

(72 Posts)
SANDY2020 Mon 13-Jan-20 18:12:25

I will condense this as much as possible I've posted already but got such good advice I thought I'd air another worry .
I am in the process of leaveing a abusive partner and moving to my mums I'm unsure when yo leave my dilemma is my partners parents work abroad six months a year and dont come home till end april and my partner has very poor mental health stress anxiety etc hes not very good with anything Bill's money etc I do it all work housework household Bill's budgets everything I even book doctors appointments he is really horrible nasty ungrateful and I'd controlling and has punched me twice in the past I dont love him and decided to leave I can give four weeks notice on my property at any point now and plan to do so and do a flit taking essentials tv sofa beds his I will leave and only few bits mine I am tenancy on property so I paid a month in advance so will leave oueing nothing giving four weeks notice to leave it's just when to go!!!his mum would have to come home early to sort him leaveing me to feel terrible and he will have to sort himself out but will most certainly need their support this is my issue do I stay till april I'm in spare room and we argue so long as he gets his tea cooked and house cleaned he gets his own way with tv hes quiet and ticks along but I cannot stick it i so dont know what to do

NannyJan53 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:10:25

Yes, leave ASAP! The first time he punched you was the signal to leave!

I would not stay until April, notanan2 is correct, making you feel his welfare is your responsibility a way of controlling you.

You are lucky you have somewhere to go. I stayed with my Mum in 2011 for 18 months as I had to escape a relationship. I remember after a few days, wondering what that feeling I had was. I realised a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I was no longer walking on eggshells. I felt lightheaded with happiness.

paperbackbutterfly Tue 14-Jan-20 14:14:13

Leave now. However he sounds like he may have mental health issues so you may want to see your doctor and let him know that he needs support.

Beanie654321 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:22:23

He is an adult but haven't had to take responsibility, so leave now and stop making excuses for him. Go before the times up and tell him the tenancy finishes on this date so sort it out now. He has to start taking responsibility for himself and I bet he can, he is not your responsibility nor his parents. You can inform his GP and CPN if he has one. Stop being a door mat, get out and live.

blue60 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:35:40

Go now. Do not wait.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:42:59

GO NOW!

You can deal with putting utility bills in his name once you are at your mum's and notify your landlord from her address that you have moved out.

If your violent partner really is incapable of looking after himself that is just too bad. His parents, friends or social services can help him sort things out, if he really is unable to look after himself.

Leave now, and if he tries to contact you, refuse to see him, unless you are surrounded by people who can help if he becomes violent.

jaylucy Tue 14-Jan-20 14:46:20

Leave now. He is not your responsibility. His inability to act like a decent human being is not your problem.

LuckyFour Tue 14-Jan-20 14:49:17

Get out now!!!!!

inishowen Tue 14-Jan-20 14:49:31

Leave now. He doesn't deserve your consideration. Make sure he doesn't know you're going as he will do anything to stop you. Please let us know when you are safe.

Jaycee5 Tue 14-Jan-20 14:52:54

I agree with notanan2. Leaving is a dangerous time so you should get proper advice from experts.
Ring a domestic abuse hotline and speak to people who really know. There are a lot of them. The Met police have one. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is probably the best known.
Your safety is the only thing that matters. He uses physical, emotional and coercive abuse. He is also unstable. You need to plan your move very carefully. Start doing it now.

MadeInYorkshire Tue 14-Jan-20 14:59:36

Go now and do not look back - if he is such a wimp that he needs his Mother to sort him out, then let him contact her (doubt he will say why you went mind), and get her back to do his bidding!

Give notice on your tenancy but you just get out asap, go to your Mum's and leave, preferably when he isn't around to try and stop you, which he will try to do ..... are there any times when he disappears for a few hours? If in doubt about your safety maybe the Police could help you go? Pretty sure some of the Women's Refuge sites will be able to give you some advice too so may be worth giving them a call?

Good luck! x

Tigertooth Tue 14-Jan-20 15:01:08

Get out now, leave him comfortable with bedding etc and a note to say rent is paid for 4 weeks and then contact his mum to let her know - it’s up to her if she wants to come and support.
Good luck.

Paperbackwriter Tue 14-Jan-20 15:48:35

Yes go now - your safety comes first. But also, next time you're in a relationship (and I wish you a good and loving one), for goodness sake don't be with someone who expects you do to all the cooking and cleaning! You are not a servant. This is 2020 - hold out for equality. All good luck to you.

Esmerelda Tue 14-Jan-20 16:32:11

Go now (and whatever you do don't let him know you are planning to leave!).

Solonge Tue 14-Jan-20 16:41:33

Ask yourself, if a friend was in your position what would you say? I reckon you would tell her to look after herself, she owes this pretty awful man, nothing. Equally, if you were my daughter I would be at your house tomorrow, with a van ready to take you and your bits and move you away. Let this mans parents help if he needs it or indeed the mental health services, though they are not that readily available in all areas. You are not responsible, life is too short, look after yourself.

sarahellenwhitney Tue 14-Jan-20 16:48:59

The word abusive causes me concern.How sure can you be that something won't set him off for which you will live to regret.Out now is my advice.

Merryweather Tue 14-Jan-20 16:55:38

Go now.
Don't delay.
I'd hate for a situation to arise where you get so badly beaten you can't walk away. Happened to me, my ex broke my back after many abusive rows.
Stay safe, sod the manchild. Time he took responsibility for himself. He's proven to you he does not care by hitting you. Why should you care about him.
Make sure all financial ties are sorted too.

Good luck. X

EllieB52 Tue 14-Jan-20 16:56:43

Go now and thank your lucky stars you have your mother to go to. He has created this problem with his behaviour so don’t feel guilty.

Xxjanexx Tue 14-Jan-20 17:00:50

SANDY2020Get out off there now....I was in a abusive relationship and ended up in hospital...I got the usual I’m sorry I didn’t mean to I’ll change blah blah.
Even while I was in hospital he got his SIL to ring to see if I was ok..as soon as I took the phone he was on the other end.
I slammed the phone down and was in a right state.

When I went home I was terrified I’d sit on the floor against the wall in the dark.
I can see where your coming from...TBH you owe him nothing!!
I wouldn’t tell him anything about rent etc just go and go now
Stay safe ...please let us no how you get on I’ll be thinking off you?

Shizam Tue 14-Jan-20 17:24:27

I agree that you should leave ASAP. He has physically attacked you twice. Who’s to say what he may do next. If he ends up in a total mess, his fault. Make sure any financial aspects, such as utilities, are secured. Good luck. Must be awful. But lucky you have family to go to.

Happysexagenarian Tue 14-Jan-20 17:42:05

Thankfully I've never been in your situation, but one punch would be enough for me, I'd be out!

Please, please GO NOW!!

Be careful not to leave any clues around the house that you plan to leave.
You don't need to tell him why you're leaving or make any arrangements regarding rent, bills etc. He's not worthy of your consideration now.

Go to your mother's. Would he look for you there?
Dump your mobile phone, get a new one. Or block his number and delete him from your contacts.
Check that your phone does not have a tracker on it.
Turn off GPS location on your phone.
Post NOTHING on social media regarding your move. Or temporarily close your account.

Do tell us when you are out and safe.
Good luck for a happier future.

Patticake123 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:02:14

You can not save him he is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour. As others have already said, go now. Do not wait around for him to find out and become more abusive. Stay safe.

Quickdraw Tue 14-Jan-20 18:08:16

Get out asap. There is NOTHING to be gained by staying any longer. Good luck for your future, I wish you well.

moggie57 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:33:01

I would go he is not your respo nsibility.let his parents do that.get out while you can.he needs adult services here

SANDY2020 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:38:58

Thanks all I've put a stop on contact from estate agent lettings to him and told them situation and I'll be giving notice soon I will flit take what's mine when hes at work xx gas/elec pay as go so no Bill's just phone call and shy phones etc in his name for him to sort my only issue is council tax and council tax debt is a ccj in my name but I only have 3 more payments on it!may ring them explain situation and see if they can help me xx(he pays rent,council tax)

SANDY2020 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:43:49

Waters in my name also but have spoken to them and they said if I can get a letter from gp they may be able to help me write of the debt my partner earns way more than me but expects me to pay out every penny tbh he doesn't have much left at end of month but whingeing for cans of diet coke and sweets in a tight food shop budget and me been to scared to say no ......I'm ashamed I know I sound so stupid xx