I hate talking about mum, but........

You are enabling this relationship by not stopping the negativity. My mum became a really difficult person as she aged. She was so unpleasant non of us liked visiting her. At some point, when I had driven 4 hours to see her, I met her on her way out...it was nearly 10 in the morning and she said ‘if you can’t be bothered to come till the days half over, I’m not waiting in’. At that point I decided enough was enough. I told her she was so unpleasant none of us wished to visit. The month before my brother paid for 27 of us to go,out to a restaurant to celebrate my mums 80th. She had ordered her food...when it came up she sniffed it and said she wasn’t eating that muck. She sat there with a face that would sour milk. I spent twenty minutes telling her that the constant nastiness had to stop or she would drive us all away. She went into the kitchen, I’m pretty sure she shed some tears...but came out ten minutes later with a tray of tea. She changed noticeably after that, even my brothers said how she had reverted to the mum we knew and loved. Don’t let your mum spoil your life and your relationship. Yo7 both deserve honesty. You need to tell her you don’t appreciate your alcoholic brother being treated like royalty when he does nothing...and that she needs to acknowledge the help she gets from you. If you are no longer there...is your brother going to turn into super son? She needs to wake up.

@driverann OP has already acknowledged that so I doubt that its helpful to reiterate.

It was a mistake not to pay into your NHS pension and it is also a mistake to reduce your hours in the run-up to retiring.
Because you will get a smaller state pension if you have paid less into it.

Attendance Allowance was mentioned by someone up thread, and they incorrectly stated that it would be based on your mums own funds; in fact this is a NON means tested disability benefit and it’s only eligibility is related to the care needs of the claimant (your mother).Citizens Advice will be able to advise on this, and also on any benefits that you may be able to claim if you are no longer working as you are not yet at state pension age.

Grannymy, the quotes from your mother sound like she believes she is saying something helpful. I think you might tell her "That is not helpful" when next she says one of her annoying platitudes.

I understand how difficult it must be to keep emotionally disengaged from her especially when you have your own worries.

You are making the choices
Take yourself out of the equasion (and manipulation) and insist those others do their duty

This is going to sound underhand and I'm prepared to be slated........
What if your mum thought you had to up your working hours to say..28. This would give you the luxury of time to yourself. Your mum would not suffer.

Just a thought.....

I'm not sure you should look to passing on your burden to your brother and SiL, they don't sound responsible or that they would help anyway. But don't do things for them, they are not your responsibility. It's DB's fault if the cat gets neglected! And your DM is making excuses for them because she knows she can't rely on them. If you work 3 days (?) a week, make sure at least 2 more days you are 'unavailable'. I've been in your shoes and it's not easy to listen to it all but try to think that it's not your mother's fault, she's probably frightened of being left alone and feels the way to keep control is by controlling you. Don't discuss things that you know wind you up - keep work off the agenda and if she starts telling you about your wonderful DB just smile and nod and change the subject. Maybe you could ask her about her friends and her life. Good advice above about what to say if she does upset you but try to let it go over your head while you are there. And practice saying 'no' occasionally. Long walks and fresh air make good antidotes to elderly selfishness. Unfortunately, as others have said, it seems a common and unavoidable part of ageing so maybe we will be the same soon. Sorry to be blunt but retire soon while you have time to enjoy it!

Goodness me. Your mother needs to realise you get tired, sounds selfish, you sound a lovely caring daughter but running round like a headless chicken is not on, with your mother saying Sil would be round at the drop of a hat if she needed anything. Well I think it’s time to have a few hat droppings! I’m not saying stop doing things for her, but you shouldn’t be at the beck n call 24/7 you need to have a bit of me time, and if you want to retire you should do it,

My mother was firmly of the belief that it was the job of a daughter to look after family members, not a son. Could that be part of your equation? My brother was never required to help, but if he did he was praised to the skies. I on the other hand was expected to do everything with barely a thank you, because it was 'women's work'. Mum was of a different generation with quite fixed ideas about male and female roles. It was vastly frustrating, but in her later years my Mum lost the ability to put herself into other peoples shoes, which I think is quite common. Its a sort of self-preservation mechanism when daily life becomes a struggle.

I would say I'm one of the last people to be manipulated by anyone... then I remember how my mum pulled my strings.
I never knew if she got some enjoyment out of it - a bit of verbal jousting to get her brain working, or whether she felt too worn out by pain and the most awful disability to care anymore.
I still felt like strangling her on occasions, and I know she felt the same about me at times.

I think MissAdventure has made a good point.
Although I do think you need to create some time for yourself as well or you'll be no good to anyone.
My mum was quite difficult when she was older.
Maybe I will be difficult too. Who knows?

Oh the manipulative mother - aaargh I had one. We were brought up to respect our parents and be polite, but it doesn’t seem to work the other way does it?!
So many friends in similar situations. Visiting every day, and still not enough.
I think the advice to try and cut down time and devote some time to you is vital. Every time she says the usual unfair and untrue statements - count backwards from 54321 and say to yourself ‘not listening’! She won’t know. It you will!
We understand you’d like to retire and not go out on dark days.
One thing is for sure with your family situation - it will never be fair, and your Mum won’t ever see that it’s not.
You can see I’ve been there ???

You must begin to put yourself first and be unavailable ...this will elicit respect from others and possibly your mother. Lots of great advice on here as usual.

….meant to say *YES, you'll have to wait in....."

I've spend the last few weeks going to the pharmacy to pick up her dosset box and decided to tell them to deliver it on a Friday, when she rarely goes out. When I told her she said "so I've got to stay in then."

The answer to that is …"No, you'll have to wait in until they deliver it because I am going to....? having a break …."

In other words start putting your needs first a bit more, articulate them to her and ignore what is effectively selfish emotional blackmail, although she may well not be aware she is doing it, because she is in the habit of having you available all the time

I made allowances for my mum.
She had been an absolute rock over the years, but the last few were difficult, to say the least.
I just gritted my teeth, and I'm glad I did. I wish I had gritted them a bit more, because she was poorly, and in pain, and housebound.

@grannymy, I feel for you! I had a similar if not quite so severe problem with my Mother. I have two sisters and a brother, all of whom have children - whereas, I have been unable to have a family. Hence, I was the one who was always called upon, even though at one time, I lived eighty miles away (the other children all lived in the same town as Mother)! I agree with what other posters have said. You have to try to stand against your Mum using you as she does currently, other wise your health definitely WILL suffer - and that is just wrong! Please keep some time for yourself, and try to tell Mum that there are things you CANNOT do. Invent a reason if need be. Look into Charities who might be able to help your Mum with some things (Age UK have friends who will telephone your Mum for a chat, for example). Some Churches offer "Meals on Wheels" for elderly parishioners, or have befriending services. Wishing you the very best with this problem, which needs sorting out quickly. Good Luck.

My mother too as she aged, started contradicting everything I said or making some other negative remark. Your mother's remark that you will get bored if you retire sounds exactly what my mother used to say.

It is not trivial. It wears you down having to listen to remarks like that.

Have you tried simply doing as many chores as you feel able to for your mother on one day of the week and saying that anything else has to be left till next week?

I found it helped to tell me mother that I couldn't just jump whenever she wanted help.

It was never easy though. I hope you find it easier to say no sometimes

There's an excellent action plan that has been posted, I would suggest that you take it up. It would be an excellent idea to get your life back on track, this doesn't have to go on.

My grandma was the same with my mom and I. The rest of the family - her son and three other grandchildren did nothing to help are rarely visited.
We were 35 miles away and did everything for her despite me being disabled and having two young children to look after.
It’s coercive control.

Exhausting, debilitating, depressing and thankless. However, on the rarity anyone else in the family visited it was fantastic, she was so grateful, aren’t they wonderful and kind.
It’s very hurtful and soul destroying.
It’s hard to stand back from the situation and hard to stay in it!

Try and carve out some me time and relax if you can. It’s a difficult situation.

Good luck x

I think you should lie and say you are sick and can't visit. She will have to rely on your brother then. It would not be a complete lie as you are sick of the situation and how it is making you feel.

Your mother is taing advantage of you and showing not just ingratitude but contempt. You know this in your heart but do not want to feel guilty by saying anything to her or doing anything about it.

You (rightly) suppose that others will judge and blame you if you stop running round like a headless chicken after her. However, if they do, it will be because the burden will fall on them too to look after your mother and they do not want this.

Your mother is clearly well aware of the situation you are in as she is saying all the right things to make you feel guilty and unappreciated but yet to continue facilitating her life.

You do not have to put up with this.

When my dear, beloved mother started to pick on me and say rude, cruel and mean things I tackled it head on. I said to her as follows: 'Mum, it might be the case that other people might not mind your comments or behaviour but I am very sensitive and it will make me upset. I will just cry and be unable to do anything.'

The truth (told calmly, sincerely and politely) took the wind out of her sails. She started to behave better straight away and, when she forgot and lapsed, I used to say: 'Mum, remember you can't be horrible to me. It upsets me.'

What about retiring and not tell your mother?! ( or any family)
The bliss of peace and quiet, and no more expectations of you!

That's a frustrating and rather sad position to be in - I can see why you feel tired, and unappreciated. Clearly then, something has to change. The advice to back off from running to help every time is excellent; given that you do work you could always let her down gently by saying you have to do some overtime or you have another arrangement - and be firm with that. If we give 110% all the time - it is expected and becomes the norm. Your Mum needs to realise that you get tired, and need space for yourself. It seems that some people do get more selfish as they get older; as their world becomes smaller it becomes only about how it affects them. A friend who was worn to a frazzle was told by her GP to cut down - he said that her Mother would carry on taking over 50% of her life, then push for 70% and eventually she would have no life at all. It's sad but true, and I do hope you can find a way around this with all the excellent advice on this post. Good luck.