Retired husband blues

When we get home again, I plan on finding a therapist. This is more than I can handle by myself. Cocooning yourself away from society is abnormal behavior. He used to be so alpha, which is what attracted me to him in the first place.

We live in the US, and winter in Florida. So him getting out of the home is actually quite pleasant. There are many women I know who have active, independent retired husbands. They are members of civic organizations and like to play golf, pickleball, etc. In other words, they are with other men. Even if he doesn't want to participate in this way, he could at least go somewhere one day a week. There's always the library, a park, etc. He has his own time alone when I am gone doing things, so it's only fair.

As more emerges of this saga, I'm beginning to feel rather sorry for him. Many men are lost when they retire and feel they have no purpose in life, they need encouragement to find new activities.

You screaming at him to get out of the house in the middle of the winter because you need your space doesn't sound very kind or helpful, particularly as he is on medication for anxiety and depression.
It's his house too, presumably . Why don't you find more activities outside the home and leave him indoors if that is what he wants? He may soon get bored and think that golf was a good idea after all when the spring comes.

Poor chap, it sounds as though he was looking forward to his retirement and spending more time with you and you can’t stand having him around!

Hes obviously unwell and a bit like a lot of men who work hasn’t had the time to build up friendships outside of the workplace.

maybe he needs a change of Meds? And a bit of sympathy?

I think a rescue dog would be a good idea. He'd have to walk it twice daily and he could focus his attention on it - rather than you!

My husband started crown green bowls a few years ago and took to it big time. Maybe if you tried a bowling club, he would come along and then you could drop out?

Murky whilst I do sympathise, I do think you are being a little hard on him. Have you ever suffered from anxiety or depression? They can be tortuous, and very often sufferers don't get the same support they would if they had a physical problem.

Do you know anybody with a dog that you could offer to walk occasionally? They certainly cheer you up with their antics, and who knows, if he enjoyed the walks, may then decide he would like one of his own; it would certainly give him something else to focus on. Could you also maybe go out for a drink or meal with one of your friends and their husband? That way he could then make some friends of his own.

If he insist on accompanying you everywhere, then at least choose some outings that are really enjoyable, then you won't feel so resentful.

I second what loopy loo says.

So he's been on antidessants for years but you married him six years ago.
Was he different when you married him?
What in an ideal world would you like to happen?

It sounds like you don't like him very much. Do you want to be with him?

aww murky, you have my sympathy. Don't give up your activities & friends x

He does not want a dog. Not the answer

www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/ways-dogs-help-ease-depression-symptoms/

Back to getting a dog... here's a link to the benefits of pet ownership on mental health.

Actually, I'm now depressed from seeing my husband's response. He is under the care of several doctors. It's like being married to the walking dead. And we've only been married six years.

Murky do you think he is not really depressed? It is a debilitating condition and you can't just "pull yourself together " and get on with it. I do understand the frustration of not having time on your own and feeling as if you are parenting your DH but I can empathise with your DH too. Would you consider discussing this with your GP? ..maybe getting your DH to go for a proper review of his mental health? He does sound depressed from your post.

Seriously, what goes thru the mind of these men? They need to rewire themselves and get on with it. I'm not the AAA club, ready to be dispatched everyday for his lack of enthusiasm. He knew it was coming. How dare he pull me down in the mire. Really angry about his "helplessness". Sometimes. I feel the roles have been reversed. Thanks for letting me vent.

So he has a long term illness exacerbated by his retirement? It is very hard to live with, and love, someone with chronic illness. Resentment can build, frustration and anger that life is not the one you hoped for and then feeling guilty because you feel the way you do.
I hope you find a way to work this out so you are both feeling more content with life

Can you give him golf club membership as a retirement present and make an appointment for some lessons if he needs them?

He's been on antidepressants for decades.

Could you plan some short walks, going with him because walking is a good exercise which may help with his depression?
What about you both playing golf? That way you could meet new people and he may find he enjoys it and will eventually go on his own.

We joined the NT together but both have our own interests too.

Men, more than women, do sometimes feel lost when they retire and don't have the structure of work each day. Is he depressed because of this or is this causing his depression?

I agree with Canadiangran you need a plan for your retirement. Sit down and discuss your expectations of each other and this phase of your life.
Try doing things in small increments, short walks alone, quick visit to friend, you need to gradually reduce his anxiety about being alone. Have you any family who could pop in and see your husband whilst you are out. Anxiety and depression are just as valid as any physical illness, maybe a support group would help.

My DH is the same, refuses to do anything on his own, although may go fishing once in a blue moon. I would like to retire from my PT job, but the thought of being at home all day.......... No thanks!

He is ill and on medication. If he had heart disease or similar condition that limited his ability to do things would you feel the same annoyance?
Could your GP refer him to a counsellor, would he go? He needs some support to adjust to retirement. Many people who have invested heavily in their working life for their sense of identity feel a sort of grief. Poor chap, hope he can find a way forward,, for your sake and his!

I have found volunteer opportunities for him, and numerous civic organizations, but he won't even consider them. And joining the mens group at the church is out of the question. As for me, I volunteer and participate in a Bible study. My goal is not to go on walks with him, but to get him to go on walks by himself.

I believe there are so many people that have worked their whole lives and do not have a plan for retirement.

Just sit and have a talk with him. He needs to understand that he needs to be busy. Let him take over some of the chores, shopping, recycling, dog walking etc. I'm not retired yet, but my husband is. He is busy all day, and might have issues when I eventually retire; I will be the one messing with his routine. But even on weekends, we have certain chores that are his and mine, and a few we do together. We meet at lunch time in the kitchen

Give him a list of chores, or get him a dog!