Retired husband blues

Oh dear. Many sympathies to you. I suggest you take him out for a good walk each day and have a meal out or do something. Also see if you can find somewhere that needs some help where he could volunteer.
Best of luck.

I am finding that mine hovers around when I am cooking, makes excuses not to go to activities that he was once enthusiastic about, asks if I intend going to my Knit and Natter meetings and then is downcast when I say that I am going! If I say I'm going to pop to the shops he wants to come too but he does suggest we have lunch out but it's difficult to bdowse if he's tagging along. I have often thought that it's like having a clingy toddler about!

He wants to be with you ( is that so bad?) We go out together a lot and take pleasure in each other’s company.However I do go out with my friends as well, probably twice a week, and have clubs he doesn’t go to.Encourage him to play golf or join a bowls club? Or U3A, which have walking groups and all kinds of sports/games/ pastimes.Will he do gardening on his own? Get him to cook the main meal a couple of times a week, or walk to the library?

Ladies, do not curtail your own interests. Sit down with your husbands, explain you need your time to see friends, do hobbies etc. Ask your husbands, partners what they enjoy doing. The other thing you could do is make a list of jobs needing done around the house. There is nothing will get a man out the door quicker than DIY or housework needing done. Sadly, Ive known too many women who give up their friends,hobbies, and indeed their whole lives for men. Then, are left all at sea when husband/ partner dies.

I believe there are so many people that have worked their whole lives and do not have a plan for retirement.

Just sit and have a talk with him. He needs to understand that he needs to be busy. Let him take over some of the chores, shopping, recycling, dog walking etc. I'm not retired yet, but my husband is. He is busy all day, and might have issues when I eventually retire; I will be the one messing with his routine. But even on weekends, we have certain chores that are his and mine, and a few we do together. We meet at lunch time in the kitchen

Give him a list of chores, or get him a dog!

I have found volunteer opportunities for him, and numerous civic organizations, but he won't even consider them. And joining the mens group at the church is out of the question. As for me, I volunteer and participate in a Bible study. My goal is not to go on walks with him, but to get him to go on walks by himself.

He is ill and on medication. If he had heart disease or similar condition that limited his ability to do things would you feel the same annoyance?
Could your GP refer him to a counsellor, would he go? He needs some support to adjust to retirement. Many people who have invested heavily in their working life for their sense of identity feel a sort of grief. Poor chap, hope he can find a way forward,, for your sake and his!

My DH is the same, refuses to do anything on his own, although may go fishing once in a blue moon. I would like to retire from my PT job, but the thought of being at home all day.......... No thanks!

I agree with Canadiangran you need a plan for your retirement. Sit down and discuss your expectations of each other and this phase of your life.
Try doing things in small increments, short walks alone, quick visit to friend, you need to gradually reduce his anxiety about being alone. Have you any family who could pop in and see your husband whilst you are out. Anxiety and depression are just as valid as any physical illness, maybe a support group would help.

Could you plan some short walks, going with him because walking is a good exercise which may help with his depression?
What about you both playing golf? That way you could meet new people and he may find he enjoys it and will eventually go on his own.

We joined the NT together but both have our own interests too.

Men, more than women, do sometimes feel lost when they retire and don't have the structure of work each day. Is he depressed because of this or is this causing his depression?

He's been on antidepressants for decades.

Can you give him golf club membership as a retirement present and make an appointment for some lessons if he needs them?

So he has a long term illness exacerbated by his retirement? It is very hard to live with, and love, someone with chronic illness. Resentment can build, frustration and anger that life is not the one you hoped for and then feeling guilty because you feel the way you do.
I hope you find a way to work this out so you are both feeling more content with life

Seriously, what goes thru the mind of these men? They need to rewire themselves and get on with it. I'm not the AAA club, ready to be dispatched everyday for his lack of enthusiasm. He knew it was coming. How dare he pull me down in the mire. Really angry about his "helplessness". Sometimes. I feel the roles have been reversed. Thanks for letting me vent.

Murky do you think he is not really depressed? It is a debilitating condition and you can't just "pull yourself together " and get on with it. I do understand the frustration of not having time on your own and feeling as if you are parenting your DH but I can empathise with your DH too. Would you consider discussing this with your GP? ..maybe getting your DH to go for a proper review of his mental health? He does sound depressed from your post.

Actually, I'm now depressed from seeing my husband's response. He is under the care of several doctors. It's like being married to the walking dead. And we've only been married six years.

www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/ways-dogs-help-ease-depression-symptoms/

Back to getting a dog... here's a link to the benefits of pet ownership on mental health.

He does not want a dog. Not the answer

aww murky, you have my sympathy. Don't give up your activities & friends x

It sounds like you don't like him very much. Do you want to be with him?

So he's been on antidessants for years but you married him six years ago.
Was he different when you married him?
What in an ideal world would you like to happen?

I second what loopy loo says.

Murky whilst I do sympathise, I do think you are being a little hard on him. Have you ever suffered from anxiety or depression? They can be tortuous, and very often sufferers don't get the same support they would if they had a physical problem.

Do you know anybody with a dog that you could offer to walk occasionally? They certainly cheer you up with their antics, and who knows, if he enjoyed the walks, may then decide he would like one of his own; it would certainly give him something else to focus on. Could you also maybe go out for a drink or meal with one of your friends and their husband? That way he could then make some friends of his own.

If he insist on accompanying you everywhere, then at least choose some outings that are really enjoyable, then you won't feel so resentful.

My husband started crown green bowls a few years ago and took to it big time. Maybe if you tried a bowling club, he would come along and then you could drop out?