Telling people about a bereavement in family

When my aunt died, my uncle started ringing around to let friends and family know. The list was long and he could only cope with so many calls a day and insisted on making all the calls himself.

One set of 'friends' refused to come to the funeral because they felt insulted that they hadn't been rung until 3 days after her death!

I had the job of phoning and writing letters to everyone when my D passed away last year. I also had to drive over 100 miles at 3:00am to tell my Mom that D had passed in his sleep in hospital. I have a sister but she did absolutely nothing to help.

My dad would always stand still, remove his cap and bow his head if a funeral procession passed by when he was out. When he died in 2003 and we were enroute to the cemetry we were quite impressed when a group of teenagers who were walking along the pavenent all removed their caps.

I recall our local undertaker who had to go and collect my friend’s father’s body from home where he had died. He said ‘I ‘ope he’s not stiffened up ors we’ll ne’er get ‘I’m downsteres’.

My Mother always drew the curtains at the front of the house as a sign of respect when a relative or neighbour had died. We also would stop and bow our heads if we saw a hearse. If I see a funeral cortège now (when driving) l always ensure that I allow the group to remain together and turn off my radio / music if the car windows are open.

When my beloved Grandfather died in 1981 he was laid out at home and before the funeral directors came (when he was then placed on a sort of bench - can’t think how else to explain it) my grandmother actually slept next to him for the first night. I did find it strange, but she was a midwife and community nurse so rather pragmatic.

My sister in law died just under a year ago - it would have been her 70th birthday yesterday as it happens. At her funeral we were all asked to wear something burgundy as it was her favourite colour, all the ladies were given burgundy silk flowers to wear and everyone was given a little packet of sunflower seeds to plant to remember her by which I thought was lovely. I do like this new approach.

When my lovely Mum died we had to expressly tell people not to announce it on Facebook until we were sure everyone had been told. I like Facebook and it’s a great way of keeping in touch but some people love a bit of drama and give no thought as to whether everyone has been informed. Times certainly change...

I remember years ago, when a hearse went by, my father would always take his cap off and bow his head until the hearse passed. It was a mark of respect. When my father died I was unable to get to him as by then he lived in France with my sister. I knew his death was imminent, but I was heartbroken when she phoned me and said 'He's gone'. Just those two words changed my life for ever.

Curtains drawn on days of a funeral in the street. No children allowed out to play and if happened to be in street when hearse, funeral cars moving had to stand still to show respect and men would remove hat. Can see that happening nowadays, folk wouldn't notice a hearse as heads down looking at phones when walking. Regarded as a nuisance slowing them down when driving.

When I was around 12, so early 90's my great aunt passed. The curtains were drawn at my grand house- her sister, pictures and mirrors turned. Everyone in black until after the funeral. No toys, TV, no playing out, quiet reading and preyers only. I remember having to curtsey as her coffin passed by before following on in another car, rosary in hand although not saying a hail Mary but the Lords preyer.
I don't remember a black wreath though and I know her body wasn't lain out at home. Previous relatives had been and being young I wasn't allowed into the room.
I'm not sure about the envelope corner being marked. Was that a Catholic tradition does anyone know?
For my Grandma passing almost three years ago we still drew the curtains. However I was admitted to hospital myself two days after her death and was still there for her funeral three weeks later. I don't think it was as formal as her sisters, certainly no Rosary beads. No idea why it was so different.

I really like all these marks of respect.

Its very touching that people stop and acknowledge a strangers last journey..

When my Grandfather died (1980) my mum drew the curtains on the day of the funeral, however, she didn’t when my Grandmother died (1993). Not sure why the difference.

My step father rang me at work, when my Mum died, and said 'she's gone' , I thought he meant she'd gone into a hospice, took a bit for me to work out that my Mum had died.

My son was even worse, I read about my grandson on FB, I hadn't even known he was ill. I can't describe the shock I felt then and still do feel 7 yrs later.

Remember the three queens in mourning veils when the old king died?

As children we would hold the lapels of our blazers as a mark of respect if we saw a hearse

When my mother died in the 1960s (aged 35) my Dad insisted my 3 young sisters and I all wore black armbands or black ties to school for several weeks afterwards. All the curtains in our house were half-drawn on the day of the funeral and my neighbour locked his car in the garage that day because it was red and he deemed it disrespectful. This was in rural Dorset.
When dad died a few months ago his funeral plan asked that everyone dress cheerfully - the brighter the better ... how times change!

MawB here in S Wales, women never went to the graveside. It only changed in my family since about 1990.

Curtains used to be closed from the passing to the end of the day of the funeral.

I remember coming home from school aged 14 to discover all the curtains shut. An uncle had passed that morning.

When my Mum died and we were about tonset off I asked if we were going to close the curtains because it was something I heard people did. The undertaker said its best no to these days due to thieves

I was also told to respect a funeral procession. Stop and bow my head. I still do this if it's going slowly past.

I am concerned though about telling my own children if someone in the family dies.

I recently sent a serious message as a text and one son objected. He said a text was no way to receive bad news.

What's the alternative?
I would hate it if someone put this news on facebook.

Then again there was a funeral this week and afterwards I met people in our town who had no idea the old lady had died but wished they had known.

Curtains always drawn, even now. In the hospital, we always pulled curtains across to shield the patients from witnessing the final journey of the deceased.

I had to view my great grandmothers body which was in the ‘parlour’. I must have been 5.
Here and now it feels as if there is a funeral every day as my partner closes the curtains all the time to “ keep
the heat in” it drives me wild!

Same here, the curtains were always drawn on the day of a funeral. When I was a student nurse we were taught to leave a window open when we laid out a body so the spirit could leave.

My mother sadly passed in 1999.
On the way to the service 3 young boys took their hats off and I just burst into tears at such a lovely gesture especially in these days.
I will never forget that.
My parents also closed the curtains.

My dad, who was a policeman, would salute a coffin as it went passed by

If I was in uniform when a hearse passed it was my duty to stand to attention and salute.

I lived opposite the local church as a child, and often our curtains would be closed for a funeral, and not reopened until after the wake. As a mischievous girl.of about 4 yrs, l hated being shut in the dark, and would often ask to go to bed for a snooze, but as soon as my mother had gone back down stairs l would sit on my bedroom windowledge and play with my toys, in full view of any passers by, and watch the funeral taking place at the church, but luckily not the burial as their was no churchyard. When my step mother passed away early last year, we were informed by a text message from her son in the early hours of the morning, there was no viewing allowed of her body until the afternoon before the funeral, and she remained at the hospital Mortuary up until then, until the undertakers collected her.

I can remember seeing widows in mourning veils in the 1970s although it was not a common practice here in Denmark as late as that.

I believe the custom lasted much longer in other countries, France for instance.