If you’ve gone through feeling unmotivated, lonely, depressed, sad...

OK, Sometimes when people say they want to disappear, they feel hopeless and worthless.

Greymar - I mean 'disappear', the word Grannybuy used. And like many grans DH isn't able to do anything. He has had mental illness for pretty well all of our marriage, has Type 2 diabetes, other related health issues, can't walk far, could not possibly do any shopping, not able mix socially, shaky on his feet and has had a number of falls so I do everything. It would be lovely to have a partner to share jobs with but he didn't enjoy painting and decorating, nor gardening. He's also in pain from his partial hip replacement following a fall last year. But on the other hand I'm in the U3A and since I retired have far more friends to meet for coffee but even so, sometimes I think I can't be bothered to meet them. And the DDs are wonderful. They are best friends and together we're like sisters.

Thanks *Rufus2 *laughter is the best medicine at any time of year

Have a look on you tube at some of the inner mammal information.The brain needs a challenge to fire up the dopamine. What she says about the monkey reaching for the mango.

I think you have a very good point there, Hetty58. My mum was a perfectionist and as the eldest daughter I think More was expected of me than my younger siblings . It’s only in the last few years that I’ve been able to shake loose of those expectations, and feel ‘good enough’ .
You’re also right about feeling most happy when children are around, for the very reasons you give- feeling needed and appreciated. 2 of my 3 boys live in Australia so sadly I see them rarely, but when I do it’s absolutely wonderful ! All is right with the world until the dreaded departures and goodbyes.
Sorry, have gone a bit ‘off piste’ from the original thread ....

I think it's rooted in not really liking myself, feeling a failure, thinking I should be doing so much more - and better. I have always felt that way.

I was constantly criticised as a child by Mum, yet adored by Dad (which saved me). Family and friends don't see me as a failure at all. They are full of love and admiration for me. No wonder I'm so happy when they're around.

I suppose QuaintIrene, the feeling appreciated/valued and making a difference are in short supply. I need more!

I blame my mother curvygran. It was always 'Make yourself useful' along with 'Count your blessings' and 'Worse things happen at sea' (I still have no idea what).

I do wonder why we all feel so guilty? That feeling that we ‘should’ be doing something useful? I even feel guilty if I settle down to read a book!
Anyone have any words of wisdom on this point ?

Hetty and feeling appreciated. And valued. Making a difference. That’s gone now, for me. I was a Bibliotherapist for 10 years before I gave up. Sounds a similar set up to your work. The coffee breaks were lovely.

Thank you for this thread gmarie.
I find it hard, just living some days.
After caring for DH, the constant exhaustion and worry. Watching him just die a bit more every day. I was a hollow husk when he died.
Two years on and time is healing me. Bad days are terrible, really bad but there are days in between now.
Pets do help. One of my beloved cats is reaching the end, after a life well lived so I am going to book a coach holiday when she dies. I am not well travelled but I want to go to Bath and Rye.
Having something to look forward to makes a huge difference.
Days of worrying about little things are over. Things don’t worry about us, do they ?
Housework has to be done. At least now I do it when I’m in the mood and if surfaces are dusty only I see it. Can’t bear to leave the washing up, I feel like a slattern.
Routine reminds me of work and the demands of caring. Horses for courses and all that. Not for me.
It’s an effort to make a meal for one some days. But I do. And finances allowing, something I really fancy. That makes a big difference. Personal care like hairdos and a facepack lift my spirits no end.
Enough now. Weepy ! Lovely kindness here, thank you ?

I find myself wanting to reply to each post as there is so much I identify with, so many good ideas and several things about my situation that I understand better but it's 1 a.m. here in California so I'm off to bed. It's been a busy day. I have a refrigerator coming bright and early in the morning (my old, 35-year old Kenmore bit the dust) and then I hope to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and re-read these and respond more. Thanks SO much for making this such a helpful and thoughtful thread. It's what I'd hoped for on Gransnet.

Carbonated, you've made me realise that a challenge with a deadline is what's missing.

I used to be up at five, walk the dog, breakfast, shower and be at the station by 8 am. I'd do community teaching in libraries and village halls, teaching 'oldies' internet, email and genealogy skills. We'd have a tea/biscuit/chat break too. Where did I go? Now I'm an 'oldie'!

Washerwoman, I'm up but not dressed (too much time on my hands) and I, too, appreciate my little dog so much. She gets me up to let her out and feed her. Soon, she'll be expecting her first long walk of the day. No way would I get wrapped up and go out in this weather if I weren't nagged by her!

Greymar, routine is a double-edged sword, something I seem to need yet really fight against and resent. The 'sameness' I find so tiresome. I try to mix things up. I can waste hours on mundane stuff 'keeping busy'.

OK, the dog gets walked, sink and loo get cleaned, the dishwasher and washing machine loaded, I tidy up a bit, maybe hoover a room. It leaves me feeling less guilty - but utterly depressed that the entire morning has somehow disappeared just 'maintaining'(not achieving) - what a waste!

I don't feel lonely thanks to lovely DH and familyBut lately can feel unmotivated,tired,a weird bleakness and a strange guilt. And frustrated.But I think the reality is that recently retired from years of self-employment I'm burnt out and can identify with the 'walking away from it all 'Not in a dramatic,harmful way more just packing a bag and hopping on a train and taking myself off for a few days.
I worry that in my early 60s I don't want to fling myself into all these activities my friends do,or go travelling the world.But the reality is we don't have the same amount of money with only modest pensions DH still needs,and wants ,to work despite constant pain from a condition.And I'm not retired from responsibilities with part time childcare of DGcs and two frail,very elderly relatives-one of which won't accept any outside help.
Our dogs keep me sane.I just walk as much as possible.Sometimes with a friend.But often alone. I'm realising if I love/need my own company,and need to retreat sometimes and that's ok.I cherish being able to be outside,active and in nature with animals whilst I still can.I'm actually not fussed about being in a gym,class or on a world cruise anyway .Thanks for the thread it's just clarified that .Now I must get out of bed and get motivated !

There are such interesting responses and ideas here and so much common ground. I wish there was a " place" to discuss this sort of thing and not be involved in bickering and nastiness which is elsewhere.

How do other posters feel about routine? Is it helpful to them?

Getting "older" in my case was paired with developing a neurologic disease which will gradually worsen. My peers by age seem to avoid the chair, etc. and talk loudly to me, the very elderly seem drawn to me...dear souls, but I crave omore stimulation. Thankfully I look back on world travel, a profession I loved and friends....now all living miles away. I find this site a boost and thank each of you. I was a voracious quilter,but can no longer see to do it. I am open to any of your suggestions even if it is a kick in the bum. Know you are cherished.

endlessstrife Wed 12-Feb-20 16:47:32.
Ditto.

FranT Wed 12-Feb-20 15:46:54
I was just thinking of the phrase just before I read your post. I say that a lot lately.

Like Grandmama, I wake up feeling utterly miserable, and also wishing I could disappear. Having DS with learning difficulties at home, and visiting DH in nursing home forces me to keep going. If I wake up in the early hours, I'm okay, but any time from about 6.00am, the bleakness is there. I haven't worked out what causes this. Once I'm up and 'doing', I'm a bit better. I sometimes do school pick ups, and sleepovers re DGC too. Having to 'care' is a double edged sword. I do have interests, and meet family and friends, but the feeling of doom and gloom hovers. My mantra is to remind myself that l'm reasonably fit and healthy at 72, and l'm not cold or hungry, have a decent roof over my head and I'm not ' down to my last halfpenny '. It helps - for a little while.

Osteoarthritis overwhelmed me for a few years. Painful hips and knees limited my mobility. I could no longer run or walk easily. A hip replacement took a year of crutches, intense physio, Pilates and Aqua classes to improve. Two and a half years later I have learned to enjoy the Pilates and Aqua classes, rather than resent not being able to jog and do Aerobic, usually! I've made friends there and learned to accept that standing or walking for too long is not possible. I've taken up volunteering teaching English (my working life was teaching) as an additional language to refugees and asylum seekers. They are very appreciative and I enjoy it. These activities give me a weekly structure which I like. I also do childcare for GC that I love though it is exhausting. It is nice to feel some sense of achievement each day.

My above included working in charity shops and the like. It's good because it gets you out and being with people. But, not much of it involveds challenge, thinking hard, organising a project and delivering it on time to a high standard, which I think is key.

I found the only thing that pulled me out of the loneliness was to do something that had a definite deadline to it. Writing course, volunteer work, upholstery sessions didnt have a lasting effect as there was nothing much depending on it (apart from commitment).
It's only when I had to achieve something by a certain date or to a high standard that I became really motivated. These included producing costumes for the school nativity, organising an event for local children and being a Section Assistant at Cubs having to organise and deliver their weeks activities twice a month. My writing course, exercise classes etc were all about me and it wasnt enough to pull me out of my day to day mindset.
Sorry you're feeling out of sorts, but you've been proactive before, just make sure what you do is being depended on by someone else.

Grandmama, what do you mean " walk away from everything"

Take care, come back and chat some more.

seven years ago we were living our dream in a beautiful bungalow overlooking the sea in Cyprus when all our retirement dreams fell apart suddenly one morning. DH had a severe stroke resulting in our return to UK and 10 weeks inpatient treatment for him. Fast forward to 2020 and DH made a reasonable recovery but we’ve both had down times. However, the key to having a permanent lift, we find, is volunteering! We support a local charity in many ways and volunteer in our village community shop which is always a ‘spirit lifter’. Do it, just do it.....volunteer in a capacity you are comfortable with, it’s so rewarding!

Yes rowanflower, baby steps to start with, I think. My friend says that I underestimate myself, expect too much of myself - and don't like myself either. I'm sure that she's right.

Don't be hard on yourself and take it one step at a time:
Get to your local U3A meeting, if you can and find out what groups they have that you might want to join.
If they don't have ones you might like, talk to them about starting your own groups - you've done it before.
Once you get there you will find morelike-minded people and get moral support.
BUT, don't start too many new things together.