No DiLs - thank goodness!

Gender has a lot of double standards.

You are born a woman and you take over the role of social secretary, are supposed to get along and be friends with mil.

Son in laws get married and continue their lives with very minor changes regarding the ILs, if any.

The communication is rerouted from son-mil to dil-mil.
A dil is supposed to say thank you foe a present from mil when mil's sin already thanked his mother.
A sil will very rarely see himself in that situation. A thank you from the daughter to her parents is enough.

Sil is not obligated to talk to fil on behalf of his daughter ( the wife of sil). There is no change from dd- fil to sil-fil

Sil is mostly left alone with his life- he works, follows his hobbies, continues same interactions with his family of origin, etc.

A dil is expected to take over roles and have a close a relationship with her ils that takes years to develop. Sil can maintain his distance without offending anybody.

That's the core of the problem.

Megs 36 seems to have cracked it. I got on fine with my MiL until we announced we were getting married and then things just got from bad to worse. She refused to have anything to do with the wedding plans (even talk about them!) until a week before the wedding then blamed everything on me. Needless to say things went from bad to worse and caused a lifetime of heartache for her son. We constantly tried our best but nothing worked so we gave up in the end and let her have the relationship with us she chose to have with us. Sadly she and more importantly my Fil (who was lovely) missed out on so much. She ruled the roost and everyone was too scared to go against her.

I have a SiL and a DiL.
The DiL is adamantly saying she will never have children and my DS supports that. I think my SiL likes me, he laughs at my jokes and that’s good enough for me. My DD gets on ok with her MiL, she doesn’t like her much but I bought her up to be respectful of everyone and if her MiL raised the man she loves she can’t be that bad at childcare can she!!

I got on better with my MIL than with my own mum. Sadly, I nursed her through cancer while expecting her first GC.She died Shortly before he was born, which I have always regretted.
I have two lovely DILs, one SIL and one ex-SIL, who all live in Australia. I visit as often as possible, and am always made very welcome. I also have a good relationship with the ex, and my daughter is happy about it.
There have never been any problems about GC. I always try my beet to get along with everyone, and not interfere. It seems to work well, in my case.
I count my blessings, and feel so sorry for those Gransnetters who have such tough times with family relationships.

I get on far better with my MIL than I do my own mother!
I am the one she confides in, especially since FIL died a few years ago.
I have one DDIL who I get on well with. We had some issues initially, but now we speak daily and I treat her children as I would my own GCC. They call me nanny which is lovely ?. She is due any day now (not my sons) but I will treat this baby as I do the others - and I can’t wait!!! ?

I have two DiLs and they couldnt be more different. Like chalk and cheese. One was a younger friend of mine before she even met my son so I have known her longer than him. She is a bit older than him but they make a great couple. She is the type to get stuck in with a cement mixer and help with building work. There have been a few times when I have had to tread warily but I love her and we are the best of friends. The other one is totally different and before they were married if she was staying with us we had to give her two hours notice in order for her to put her face on. The difference of before and after was astounding. She is many years younger than my son and quite demanding. But she is my son's choice and so I have respect although she has been very nasty to me. She is foreign and yet her own mother is lovely and we get on very well when we see each other which isnt very often. She sent me such a nasty letter, the type you would be advised to write to get it off your chest then burn. And all because my birthday parcel did not arrive for my grandson. They never said thank for cards and presents sent so I wasnt expecting a thank you. Then this letter arrived which hurt a lot because all of it was so untrue. We rarely meet as we live abroad and I am always polite when I do speak to her. The rest of the family find her odd too. I get on well with my two SiLs too. One is more special to me (maybe because I have known him a lot longer) and I am so happy that he and my DD are coming to visit this coming week.

I was very lucky to have an amazing MIL, very much like my own Mum. Lost her 8 years ago and still miss her, made me feel like one of the family from day one.

Nanaandgrampy says has read over the years of the issues between MiLs and DiLs and is grateful that she doesn’t have any. Well I am so grateful that I do have a wonderful DDiL and was grateful to have a wonderful MiL. Unfortunately, having a good relationship with you DiL isn't written about on here very often.

I get on with my daughter in laws. I've made a point of making an effort with all the girls my sons have brought home. One of them calls me mum 2 which I think is lovely. If you don't get on with you dil you risk losing your son because if you've brought him up well he will put his wife first.

Absolutely right NanaandGrampy..!! I’m fortunate to have a wonderful SIL (and daughter, of course!) who trust me completely with my beautiful grandson and soon to be born granddaughter.
I am one loved Nana ....❤️

Absolutely agree with you.
My son in law is a second son to me.
I thought when I married in 1968 that I was in luck - my mother in law lived in Africa - however she returned to GB and decided that her son would provide for her. I made it clear that he would not.
She and I never got on and never would, she tried many times to play us off against each other but it never worked. She was a horrid Grandmother and my children had her measure. Needless to say she had very few friends anywhere.

Conversely, I don't get on with my sil, my daughters partner. So it's not always the DIL issue.

Nana08 I didn't go into all the detail I could have about our DIL experience but your post reminded me so much of our prevous experience and I feel for you, I really do.

MawB - I like to think of myself as cheerful, tolerant and unselfish too but still the situation arose. I'm glad you (as do I) enjoy a good relationship with your SILs, but please understand that sometimes no amount of tact, cheerfulness etc etc will work with some people!

I love my mother in law DH and i both second marriage

I think Maw when I wrote my post I had just read a thread where yet another Mil/DiL were at loggerheads over things that were, to my mind so trivial that I just thought thank goodness I don't have any of that to deal with!!

Fair point Nanaandgrampy but I would put my OAP on the fact that you do not have any of that to deal with , with your SIL or indeed DD (s?) because you are a cheerful, tolerant, unselfish and sensible person with a sense of proportion and shedfuls of tact and discretion.
So even if you had DILs, I cannot imagine the situation would arise

I have a DIL and it was not a good situation. I have three GC and have not seen them or my son for more than three years which breaks my heart. I used to babysit and take care of the GC a lot and things were o.k. For awhile but as time went on things deteriorated. My DIL would not talk to me, if she wanted me to do something she would text my son and then he would text me. No thank you’s or hellos and when I was leaving after being there a couple of days helping out she would disappear into her bedroom so she wouldn’t have to say goodbye. I had a list of rules and chores that I would have to do on the cupboard door. When my son was home he would have a list of things to take care of so I didn’t have much time to talk or visit with him. I guess my mistake was I couldn’t keep a “neutral” mouth anymore and told them both how I felt. The answer I received from my DIL was she doesn’t care about other people’s feelings. She also said my son would say thank you so that should be good for the whole family. I could go on and on but it just gets me upset even after three years. My heart is broken.

Not all DILs are awful.
My MIL is 83 and I think the world of her.
She has helped me and my family so much over the years and likewise we help her, especially in her twilight years. I take her shopping, do errands and make meals for her. I also work full time nhs so I manage to help as much as possible.
It’s a shame you feel this way as not all families are the same.

I think Maw when I wrote my post I had just read a thread where yet another Mil/DiL were at loggerheads over things that were, to my mind so trivial that I just thought thank goodness I don't have any of that to deal with!! I have a close relationship with my daughters but make no mistake I am not their best friend , I am their mum. Its my job to tell them the things that friends wont say. They may not always like what I have to say but they know I love them endlessly and I do it from the best intentions. Its down to them whether they listen or not.

I hope I'm a good MiL because I know and experienced what a bad MiL looks like so I try very hard not to do all/any of the things that I experienced.

I'm so heartened by the many posts here where people do have great relationships with their MiL or DiL . I'm another that loves your phrase Nanarose - daughters of my heart !!

I have 3 DIL. I get on really well with two of them, the third is a control freak and over protects her kids, now teenagers. I have come to accept that we have to abide by her rules.
Still, two out of three ain't bad.

‘nannarose’, ‘daughters of my heart’, that’s a lovely name for daughters-in - law. I have only one, and I love her very much, I don’t expect to be the same as her own Mum. I’ve never criticised nor would I have felt I had to. My DD had the most lovely mum-in-law anyone could wish for, she loved her to bits and we all did as well. I am also grateful for my sons-in-law. I love them too. Between them all they have given us a bunch of happy, kind and loving grandchildren.

I had the MIL from hell, such a controlling over bearing witch but I then divorced and remarried and had the best in-laws going and so many wonderful times were had and they both treated me as their daughter to a point my sister in-law was very jealous of our relationship. Oh how I miss them so much.
I only have SILs but love them to pieces. None of our children live locally so we usually only see our grandies when time allows us but I do like to take the children for holidays and will quite often have 9 children at a time. The grandies always remind their parents, Nan’s house Nan’s rules.
We are great grandparents now and the little ones have also cottoned on to this saying. Yes, I spoil my grandchildren but I know we are in a position where we can, and it is always fun planning the next adventure when visiting

I have 2 DiL, one I get on very well with, has always welcomed me since GS was born and has never laid down rules when I am staying and looking after GS. We live a distance away so visits are usually fir a week or longer if DS and DiL are going on holiday. My other DiL does, though not to extreme, expect me to apply all the rules she has at home. TV very restricted about 30 mins or one programme a day, food is a nightmare following paleo diet, no sugar other than in fruit, no bread, sure you can guess all the rest. My GD hates it and will gorge on anything she knows isn't allowed, plus it can be a bit expensive. I do try but find it difficult. My DS appreciates not everyone lives as they do and accept GD will be eating different foods when with me. DiL not quite so understanding but I just put up with her grumps. Sure as GD grows older she will exert her own will regarding food being headstrong like her DM!

I have a DS and a DD and 2 DILS and although I no longer look after any of my 5 GCs regularly, in my house and outside the house, if in my sole charge, it's my rules but in their own home it's their parents rules. This is accepted by all and works well.

It always amazes me that there are such problems between in-laws. I absolutely love my daughters-in-law. All it needs is a bit of give and take, surely.

I have two DIL’s and one DD. I love all of them. DIL,s are really lovely and I get on well with my DD. I am closer to my DD ‘S children as I don’t have to watch what I say and do. Have always treated them as I would my own. With DD’s children I never interfere and always back the parents, I love them just the same but there is a difference.