Gransnet forums

Chat

No DiLs - thank goodness!

(136 Posts)
NanaandGrampy Fri 14-Feb-20 10:28:28

The more threads I read over the years of the issues between MiLs and DiLs the more grateful I am that I don’t have any !

I am sure there are millions of MiL/DiLs who get on very well and of course, we only hear of those relationships not going well . But listening to the ‘rules’ regarding grandchildren especially I am stunned sometimes.

I have daughters and SIL , I can honestly say whilst like all families we have our moments we have never fallen out over what we as grandparents can do , say or be . IF we ever disagreed I hope we would sit down and discuss it like adults.

My relationship with my SIL can be summed up by what one said to me ‘ when they are with you, it’s your rules and we are happy that you will always do what’s best for them’.

Are there any other grandparents who feel this way or am I standing alone ?

gillybob Fri 14-Feb-20 10:34:18

Nice post NanaandGrampy .

I have a son and DiL with 3 children and a daughter with one child.

I have looked after my son and DiL’s children since they were weeks old and like you I have never once been given any rules by either my DDiL or my DS. As you say they just trust that I will do my best to look after them.

I agree there seem to be quite a few MiL and DiL problems around at the minute . Was it always the case I wonder?

My DiL knows which grandma she can ring at the last second to take over childcare, run an errand, go to the school or whatever and it’s definitely not her mum .

crazyH Fri 14-Feb-20 10:37:02

Gillybob' s last 2 lines resonate with me. 👍

BlueSky Fri 14-Feb-20 10:39:43

I only have DILs we get on OK but I'm sure it's nothing like having a daughter and SIL! Same with us daughters in law I'm sure we get on or used to, get on better with our FILs than MILs!

Megs36 Fri 14-Feb-20 10:40:58

I must be one of the lucky ones, I have two lovely daughters in law,I always say I couldn’t have chosen better myself! Never had any grandchildren problems either .Always vowed never to interfere with their views even if I felt differently.
Didn’t really get on with my mother in law and looking back I wonder if she was sad about me
I try to think I and each of the Daughters in law love the same men and also I am not a ‘replacement’ for their mums.

FlexibleFriend Fri 14-Feb-20 10:42:30

I do have a Dil who treats me as my son does. Shes often said she wishes her mum was like me. I do have a Gs but very few rules and those she has are common sense.

icanhandthemback Fri 14-Feb-20 10:43:16

My DIL is lovely but we have had our problems. She lost her Mum when my grandson was 3 months old and that caused her to resent me for about a year. It was quite tense during that time although she knew it wasn't my fault. Three years on he knows that I will support her, my son and grandchild to the best of my ability and that has made a big difference.

GagaJo Fri 14-Feb-20 10:49:11

My MiL was a nightmare. Tried to control everything. Once said about me, 'The problem with GGJ is that everything has to done the English way.' Well, yes! I'm English. At the time that was the only way I knew.

endlessstrife Fri 14-Feb-20 11:24:15

I think it’s always been there. Les Dawson’s MIL jokes were always about the woman’s mum. I think to do it the other way round would have been too close to home for many people! My MIL was awful, all the stereotypes plus some. She missed out on so much because she wanted everything to be about her.

paddyanne Fri 14-Feb-20 11:24:26

I dont understand it ,I had issues with my FIL not my MIL.I love her to bits and always got on well with her.Maybe because she was realistic about her son,my OH.He is the untidiest man on the planet and when he was younger he had a quick temper...never with me but with "things" that went wrong.Cups would hit walls tyres would get kicked

.Every day was a new discovery,we WERE very young ,he was just a month past his 20th birthday when we got married.
He's the lovliest ,kindest man in the world and always sees everyone else's side of a problem now,I say he has morphed into my dad ,he says its living with me that has made him how he is.MIL says nobody else would have stuck it out for 40 odd years ...lol.Now I'm a MIL I just try to treat my DIL like my own ,its not hard ,shes a great girl .She knows I'm on her side if she ever needs me

janeainsworth Fri 14-Feb-20 11:35:12

My MiL said that the day MrA married me was one of the happiest of her life. She also said that if he ever gave me any bother, I should just bash him over the head with my rolling pin.
She was always supportive, and never judged any of us.
She died 4 years ago and I miss her very much.
I’ve tried to follow her example with my own DiL.

kittylester Fri 14-Feb-20 11:52:03

I've got both varieties and get on well with all of them - especially the one who left my sick son and I could cheerfully throttle her now!! His new partner seems lovely.

SueDonim Fri 14-Feb-20 11:55:17

I’ve got two dils and one sil. We get on well with all of them, they’re all lovely. No problems with the grandchildren although because our sons live long distances away we’ve never cared for them on a regular basis.

MIL’s have always been a bit of an issue but I wonder if today’s problems have arisen because GPs have to do so much more care than in previous generations. It was different when you just saw granny on a Saturday afternoon for a cup of tea. Although I do recall my mil trying to give my 9mth old a drink of tea with milk and sugar! I didn’t think it necessary to go NC over that, though.

JuliaM Fri 14-Feb-20 11:58:37

I have 5 Son-in-Laws but no Daughter-in-laws, l get on with all of them, even my late daughters widower. Youngest DD though is not happy with her M-l-L who constantly thinks they are a bottomless money pit, and demands expensive gifts for her Birthday and Christmas pressents, producing a Wedding gift type list complete with names of suppliers and colours and sizes she would prefare. She then takes it upon herself to say where the family should take their holidays, again costing way more than a young family can afford, and sulks and screams when she is then told fimly No Thankyou.
My daughter lost her patience recently with this woman, they are trying hard to save for a deposit on a house, M-l-L finds outthat they have a smallnest egg towards this,many by being nosey with bank statements whilst my daughter was out at work and she was looking after the children, (her eldest daughter 12,caught her doing it. Anyway,the next thing is she announces that she has booked the entire family on a holidayto Disneyland,and paid the deposits, asking DD to repay her the costs for their deposits,and the eventual balance, a total .of just over 5k. DD thought she was joking, until she produced the paperwork,and said, she hadseen their bank statement and theycould easily afford it!
My DD hit the roof, as did S-I-L when he found out, needless to say that M-I-L is banned out.of their lives at the moment, they will not be going on holiday or anywhere else with her, shes dug herself a financial pit and its up to her to get out of it, her whole attitude is selfish and uncaring, let alone controlling, lwould never do that to anyone, least of all my children.

anna7 Fri 14-Feb-20 12:09:27

I have two dils and one granddaughter. No problems so far but I am very careful not to interfere or criticise. I expect the mother of my granddaughter to go to her own mother first , why wouldn't she, as my son comes to me. I did not have a good relationship with my own mil as she was very critical and overbearing, whilst hardly ever helping out. I am determined to be very different.

timetogo2016 Fri 14-Feb-20 12:09:40

I feel very fortunate as I get on really well with my DIL`s.
As far as the G/Children go what I say goes, my house my rules and there`s never been a problem.
My DIL`s call on me whenever they need my help and I am happy to oblige.
Lets face it they are young for a short period of time and I will miss them when they don`t need my help.

BBbevan Fri 14-Feb-20 12:10:59

I have one DiL, andI love her to bits. My DS did a wonderful thing when he chose her for his wife. They have 2 girls and are the most amazing loving family.

tickingbird Fri 14-Feb-20 12:13:04

JuliaM Wow what an interfering, self obsessed MIL your daughter has. She deserves to be banished for that.

NanaandGrampy Fri 14-Feb-20 12:16:17

It does make a really refreshing change to hear of good Mil/DiL relationships and also how its managed in a sensible common sense sort of way.

Hats off to all of you that make it work !!

Witzend Fri 14-Feb-20 12:25:02

I was very lucky with my own lovely Mil - having only a houseful of boys (it was a very male household altogether) I think she was so grateful for someone who’d take the slightest interest in e.g. new kitchen curtains!

Given all the problems you read and hear about (a friend is suffering very badly because of a DiL who’s apparently determined to hate her) I’m often thankful that I only have dds.
Having said that, my married dd has a truly wonderful MiL, and the dd who’s ‘partnered’ likewise gets on very well with his mother, who couldn’t be nicer to her.

Nannarose Fri 14-Feb-20 12:51:22

Just a quiet cheer for the "daughters of my heart" who bring such blessings into our life.

Dottynan Fri 14-Feb-20 12:54:13

JuliaM. What a dreadful story

MamaCaz Fri 14-Feb-20 13:03:03

I'm another lucky one - I have two lovely DsIL who I've never had a cross word with.
I respect their views and they seem to respect mine, and on the very odd occasional when there could potentially be a clash, we are all perfectly willing to compromise.

Maybe it is easier because I never had daughters of my own.

NotSpaghetti Fri 14-Feb-20 13:17:12

I think people are just people. Some we get on with better than others but as a mother, mother-in-law and someone with a mother in law I do hate the way mother-in-laws are regularly vilified.

I do make a point doing my best on points of disagreement to only voice my opinion once as “going on about” methods of child rearing is annoying. The parents are always right. I always do exactly as requested even if I think it’s silly. I do tell them what I think but say something like “I know we disagree on this and I feel x because of y but I’ll do it your way as he/she is your little one”.
Sometimes they change their mind, sometimes they don’t.

I love them all for the love they give to my husband, my adult children, my grandchildren and to me.

Doodle Fri 14-Feb-20 13:26:05

I have two DILs and no daughter. They are very different to each other but for both of them, their children ( our grandchildren) and their husbands are top priority. I have nothing but respect for them both. I hate to think how my autistic grandson would have got on if he didn’t have a mum (and dad) who fought everyone to get him help.
I love both my DILs.