Coping with hard times if you’re not spiritual or religious

I am so sorry for all the stress you are going through. My GP told me to find an hobby or join a walking group. Knitting is a great hobby that you can pick up and put down as you want. Many neonatal units need baby jumpers and cardigans and blankets. Joining a group for a weekly walk or swim. There are many carers groups. You can also join University of the third age, you pay a yearly fee of about £35 and then join as many groups as you want. I've joined s group called Knit and Knatter. It is a comfort to get away from the house and have time for you, some thing you need to do. Good lucksnd many hugs sent. Xxx

I have some issues at present, which are worrying,I have great faith, which really helps, I also have good friends who I write to and get great comfort from doing this. I dont live in the UK and cant confide in anyone else here.I am grateful to have such good friends, especially at a time in need.

Some excellent advice here - especially from notanan2.
The trouble with dealing with one bad thing after another is that it makes you feel angry, more helpless and afraid of the next "catastrophe". That is absolutely normal.
"nanamar* - don't feel guilty about your feelings just because you know worse things have happened to others. This won't help you in the short term.
It may help if you can release all the feelings of anger and fear in repeated sessions over a period of time. Punch pillows, tear up paper, clench and relax muscles in a particular way, dig up all the weeds if you have a garden. After each of these vigorous and emotional releases have deep breathing sessions and repeat calming messages like "I am sad/afraid/angry but not broken. I believe in myself and I will deal with the bad things that have happened in my own time and in my own way."
I believe that by repeating these things your mind and thoughts will become calmer and less anxious.
I hope this helps and I wish you well.

I have a faith but understand that you don’t. In my town we have a retreat centre which is open to anyone. You can take ‘time out’ to process sadness and there are volunteers on hand to listen and share a cup of tea. There is a feeling of real peace there. I wonder if there is a similar place where you live. Also bear in mind that local Christian or Buddhist centres will have places of peace and people to help. Keeping you in prayer.

Having given alot of thought we have made a advanced decision for end of life.My daughter also would feel guilty of any decision she made.

Nanamar so sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. It doesn't seem as though you can do anything about what is happening. Meditation and getting out in the fresh air have been suggested and these are my go to when times are tough. Meditation makes me calmer, getting out helps me to feel stronger. Sending you and all those having tough times a hug. X?

Nanamar the best thing I ever did was to start learning karate nearly twenty four years ago. It is physical (of course) but it's also something you are always learning and refining. I'm not suggesting you should take up karate or any other martial art (though there's no reason why you shouldn't). The reason I'm mentioning it is because, for the duration of the class, I don't have room in my head to think of anything else. So, for ninety minutes, my mind has a rest from everything else. This has seen me through the deaths of my parents and of my husband, and the loss of my stressful job and career as a teacher (a bereavement in itself).

So I'm recommending you to look for a hobby that occupies your mind and body, that gets you out of the house, that progresses from simple to complex, is rewarding in some way i.e. that gives you measurable or visible results and that you can follow in the company of others. Karate gives me all that but classes in anything creative would be good e.g. Sewing/dressmaking, pottery, painting, cake decorating, papercraft/card making, DIY etc. Anything you can take classes in and practise at home, really. It's the learning, progressing and refining that's important. It needs to be something you enjoy and look forward to. Your local authority probably provides classes for adults.

Volunteering is another possibility. Charity shops and food banks (to name just two of many organisations) are often looking for volunteers.

Nanamar, and everyone else coping with so many difficulties and problems, I came across this quote, which I have copied out and stuck on my fridge door: 'Everything you need - your courage, strength, resilience, compassion and love - is already within you.' Love to all who need it; life ain't like in the movies......

There have been times, in the past, when I have been at the end of my tether with worry. Not able to sleep because of problems going round and round in my brain. Tears trickling down my cheeks.
Looking back, I can scarcely remember what troubled me so much, at the time.
There is a saying. “This, too, will pass.”
I hope that, some time in the future, you will look back and realise that you coped with all your problems. It’s amazing what inner strength appears when we need it most.
All good wishes to you, and your family. Take each day as it comes. Take time to do something distracting and relaxing, nd I hope that things will soon improve for you.

I think when one is going through a hard time its very important to really acknowledge oneself and not just take oneself for granted. To say to oneself at the end of the week, I am someone who has done her best, who loved, who cared, who’s patient, willing, strong, devoted etc These are all what I call spiritual qualities. As someone said we are not physical beings trying to be spiritual we are spiritual beings having a physical experience . So to recognise our soul qualities is to touch our deepest self and replenish ourselves. But it’s also spiritual to say no , recognise our limits, our humanness , and imperfection. I help others for a job but I always have to give myself time otherwise I become grumpy , tired and out of sorts . I do pray , I just look up and go ‘look I know you’re busy but I really can’t cope with this can you please do something, I need help?’. The answer comes in a multitude of weird ways. I think spirituality should be very practical.

Nanamar - so sorry to hear of your situation. Can I suggest that you return to your GP or your mental health provider and asked to be referrer to a counsellor who practises existentially. I know you are seeing a counsellor at the moment but if this is provided by the NHS it's unlikely it will be someone who is practising in this way - you don't need to be spiritual or religious to find some meaning in life. Take care of yourself.

The sort of god is dead that purposes events good or bad .

You are your own angel. I agree with Golden Age .You don't have to be religious to make life meaningful. Being religious usually means getting your meaning and purpose from somebody else. Existentialism is the best alternative to pre-formed meanings.

I am glad to hear from GoldenAge there are existentialist practitioners.

Do people of religious faith really have it 'easier' when times are difficult?

The OP says I know that if I had a strong religious faith or spiritual belief it would be a comfort. To be honest, I cannot quite see why it should be. I am a catholic, of sorts, but I cannot see how that would directly help me in the really tragic circumstances affecting the OP. I suppose being able to go into the quiet and peace of a church and just quietly meditate can help, or doing it anywhere, but apart from that.....

T
The OP says I know that if I had a strong religious faith or spiritual belief it would be a comfort. To be honest, I cannot quite see why it should be

Well she "knows" it because people of faith regularly say it is so

However I have witnessed a lot of faith ADDING to turmoil rather than taking from it: guilt at feeling justifiably angry. Confusion about why a good diety would put them through this etc.

Any "comfort" faith brings comes at a huge price. And in many cases tells people to surpress their natural healthy instincts to feel angry at the situation, because if you are angry at the SITUATION, and god send the situation to test you or whatever, then you are angry at god, and that makes YOU a bad person of faith etc..

So OP I dont think you are necessarily missing out on a great untapped poole of comfort by not believing in god. Because IMO it can be far easier to reconcile a run of bad luck if you accept it as random and not part of a plan/test etc x

notanan I read your post with interest, as someone with some faith, I often find what so many people say about faith, including the faithful, very odd indeed.

I cannot quite understand how they reconcile a deity that gave us a freewill to live our lives, who they also want to constantly interfering in what is happening.

I have faith. I never thought the death of my loved ones was a
test by God, I have never asked God why he didn’t save the lives of my loved ones.

I was angry when my husband died in a car crash, I didn’t think God planned a drugs raid so the drug dealers would cause the crash , I was angry with the drug dealers.

I never knew that a Humanist does not believe in after life, you learn something new everyday.

We Christians still have problems, all sorts of them. The Bible only promises perfection in the next life, not this one.

I think that we cannot know the answer to these challenging questions and just have to plod along as best we may, finding meaning in kindness, both given and received.

I have no idea at all where my OH has gone - I know where his body has been buried - but whether there is some other part of his essence that persists in some way I do not and cannot know. I just hope above all else that his suffering has come to an end and take comfort in the fact that the terrifying thoughts that filled his brain, the pain, the indignities and the helplessness are over for him.

I am glad of that for you Anniebach

Sadly I have seen faith cause so much anguish for friends and family at already difficult times. They express thst their faith is "tested" on top of everything else going on. Combined with guilt brought about by their questioning.

I know that not everyone is plunged further into turmoil by grappling with faith with live throws low blows.
But from the OPs point of view as a person without faith who is being told that perhaps she is suffering more due to not having faith, I want her to know that thats not always the case.

And that athiests have their own sources of comfort that people of faith dont have: none of this was planned for you. Its random bad luck and not as a result of lessons you have left unlearnt, meaning that youre not responsible for the run of bad luck continuing or not. And so on.

"with faith with live throws low blows."

when life throws low blows

I have absolutely no belief in gods, etc. Anymore than I do in Father Christmas. Neither do any of my family. When my youngest child died, suddenly, tragically at the age of 25 yrs several people told me how I would find comfort in a religious belief. But, it would have probably made me feel worse. I took comfort in remembering the good things in his life, and how much joy he had brought to the family. Life has not always been very easy, long time separation from my husband, then divorce, some very difficult financial times for many years.
Must say my children have been the mainstay of my life along with their children, We have one life, we all need to try to live it to the best way we can. For each it is different - remembering the good times, putting aside the bad times, and always remembering how much worse many peoplles lives are. f someone is healthy, then it can be very cathartic helping those others so much worse off, either through direct charity work or in other ways.
I also found that sorting out the many photographs and putting them into some sort of order into albums helped me.

I also draw comfort from believing that this is all there is, no do-overs or other/after lifes. It motivates me to get back up again and try to make the most of what I have now, and the times I have had with people. It puts the focus on the good memories rather than wishing away life "until we meet again" x

I see someone above has already mentioned Humanism. I did on on-line course on it last year and it was really enlightening. I'd recommend looking into it. Start with a google. Sandi Toksvig is a leading light.

Franbern what can I say? A beautiful post from somebody who had to endure such heartache!
NotTooOld I believe I'm a humanist and will look deeper into it. That'll be the only sort of ceremony I'll want at my funeral.