Coping with hard times if you’re not spiritual or religious

Try finding some time just for you, difficult under the circumstances I know, but if you can, book in for a facial, massage or reflexology - all extremely relaxing. I also found yoga or Pilates extremely helpful in centering the mind. Counselling is also another area where you can just offload in a neutral environment. All of these things have helped me following the death of my DH. Hope you find some peace. xx

I have suffered the loss of a child, the loss of my parents (my mother having dementia first) a divorce and various other hard things to deal with during my life so far. Also the loss of several of my dearly loved cats after many years. All these things were traumatic and hard to deal with, and I have never had any religious faith. Somehow you find strength in yourself and the fact that time really does heal (though not always completely) and everything passes. Take life and what it is on a day to day if not an hour by hour basis. Don't think too far ahead during bad times. And use what you can to distract and comfort yourself - music, television, walking, painting etc. Adopt a homeless pet and give all your attention to caring for them.

jaylucy, do you feel a sense of loss that your faith has " left"? I ask because I do.

Good friends to talk to. I've not been in your situation, but a good friend has. We talked overt tea, and wine. She knew she could phone me anytime and I would listen, Hopefuly Nanamar, you have a friend that you can talk to.

In difficult times, I have always found the natural world a great help. A walk in the forest soothes my soul and helps to fortify me to go back and face the next difficulty. Make sure you look after yourself with treats and pampering.

I am not religious but am so truly lucky to be surrounded by amazing lifelong friends, plus 3 AC with wonderful partners. They’ve always given me the strength and support to deal with whatever life has thrown at me. Last weekend a piece of scum killed a dear lifelong friend of mine and left her dying in the middle of the road and my heart is truly broken. My DD put me on a train to Cornwall where son no:2 is on holiday, he met me the other end and him and family have nurtured me all week, long walks in woods, cliffs etc. I came home yesterday to 2 bouquets of flowers from DD and son no:1, and we’ve had a lovely family weekend all together. I am surrounded by love, I feel that love and that’s where I get all my strength from. I know how lucky I am.

I’ve been 23 years looking after a stroke victim husband who I don’t actually like, I do it from a misplaced sense of duty! In that time I’ve nursed and buried my mother..... watched my beloved sister nearly destroyed in a car crash , which 6 years later she is still recovering from....watched my daughters marriage fall apart to a man that I also have grown to love very much. Seen my granddaughter cope with asthma and two bouts of pneumonia before she was 5 years old. What weve done as a secular family is believe in and hold onto each other... and take strength from each other when our own faltered. But other posters are correct.... you must find time to do something by and for yourself. With me it’s swimming at least twice a week and lunching with a real friend at least once a fortnight. You must free yourself for those few hours.... and claim them for yourself

Very good advise already given. I neither have a faith or believe. From your post I feel it’s dealing with 2 things you have no control over, as mothers we usually sort things out one way or another, this time you can’t. While both of your heartbreaking issues work there way to conclusion if I were you I would take each day at a time and go for a walk first thing in the morning to clear your head then be there for whoever needs you. You cannot risk getting poorly as those around you need you. Look after yourself go for coffee with a friend and chat.

So sorry you are struggling with many issues.
Joining the WI was a great move for me. Plus walking netball and swimming. Just have one thing that is FOR YOU!
Also, some counselling might be worth a thought. I am not religious but I do find sitting in a church is peaceful.
Good luck with everything

I too have many issues. E.g. my son's recent brain op and divorce, my sister's death, and my husband's illness to name a few. I feel it does help to absorb myself in a hobby. I write short stories and read a lot, both of which transport me briefly to a different world. Also having close friends to 'vent' to helps me to cope. We also have to remember that nothing lasts for ever.

Dear Nanamar

It may not feel so, but please believe you are not alone. You say you are not religious and I can not give you faith, only each individual is able to find that for him/herself and be open to the Lord, asking for help.
Be assured, Jesus is by your side, even if you are not aware. Why not, in the quiet of your heart just say the words, Heavenly Father, I am tired, and I am worn. I feel pressure from all of these circumstances surrounding me, please give me strength and guidance. If you are truly there, allow your peace to calm me in my current circumstances and give me the courage to face these challenges.
You have nothing to lose by trying.
One of my dear grandson's can not walk, talk, eat (tube fed) and has many other complications since his early infancy - it is hard, especially for his mother but you should see the bond of love between them. He is now 13. Even in his suffering, Jesus is with him and I know one day all will be well .....love conquers all and it is how we live our lives that helps us on the path to Heaven, our true home if we so choose it.
Faith is not easy especially in our world today when so many Christians are persecuted. When you learn how much suffering and pain they go through it often brings home some of our tradgedies. I know many people who have been helped through prayer.
I do wish you well and that times and situations will improve for you. x

Nanamar find something which will just get you through. Personally I like gospel choirs and songs. I don't believe I'm singing to anyone but there is something uplifting about just singing with other people. I also read poetry. Sometimes the way someone says something just lifts my spirits. Sending you Emily Dickinson's "Hope is a Thing with feathers"
"Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
I hope you find some comfort and help. Sometime just taking time to walk somewhere and look at a beautiful view can help.

Having been involved in religion in the past I find atheism much more comforting.

Its just bad lack. Random rotton bad luck
No wondering "why?"
No wondering how this fits into a diety's "grand plan" for you
No need to reconsile anger at why you were the one chosen to suffer with trusting/loving your diety
No searching for the lesson you are supposed to learn from this "test"

Its nice, being athiest, to be able to admit that its just rubbish rubbish luck. To feel no pressure to try to trust that a reason or lesson will reveal itself etc.

For me, the RANDOMNESS of it takes away a bit from the feeling of unfairness. Nothing PLANNED for me to experience it. I dont have to learm some lesson before my run of bad luck can stop.

Have also endured difficult times, for me yoga (the good feelings after the class seem way better than the sum of it’s parts), followed as another writer says, with a relaxing sauna (whilst chatting with others in there sometimes) then a swim.

Something about the repetitive movement with swimming seems soothing to the mind and body - in the middle of the day - in a quiet pool.

Nanamar, be kind to yourself, and breath. Life is like a river flowing-and all this will pass too.

So sorry to hear you are going through a bad time. I honestly think as we get older we become subject more to these issues and it is just life. But of course that doesn't help.

Try hard to have contact with friends, go out each day and have a short walk and fresh air. Put 10 minutes aside at some time in the day for just you.

Wish you well and anyone else in the same circumstances.

Saggi - your caring role and the circumstances surrounding it sound very hard indeed. I really do hope there is some moment in your life when you are able to do some of the things that you like to do. I really do think it is most important that you have these opportunities - your life matters too.

Dear Nanamar. I’m so sorry you are going through such tough times. I am a Christian and I have just prayed for you. Bekind to yourself.

Many, many thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I’ve already downloaded an app that is supposed to help with meditation. My psychiatrist is also a yoga teacher and has suggested that as a possible outlet. I am fit and try to get out to walk - I’m an American living in New England, so weather doesn’t always cooperate. I do “talk” to my deceased mum and dad and friends because, as someone noted here, I do have some belief that some part of them exists in some way, shape, or form. I think I’ve just been feeling that these last few issues tipped me over the edge, but it’s not in my nature to give up. The Anna Freud quote is very meaningful - thank you - going to print that out and post it up. Best to all of you who are facing challenges and sorrows as well.

say to yourself "Be still and know that I am God" even if you don't believe these words have a powerful effect on calming the mind. Also take things one day at a time or one hour at a time or one minute at a time. Close you eyes and sit in silence concentrating on your breath coming in and going out this is meditation. Do everything you can to look after yourself physically, mentally, emotionally

Paint. It let's you put your emotions on paper. If I put negativity on paper then rip it up it helps. I also used to write letters putting everything down and sealing them. It may help you rid yourself of a few emotions

I am so sorry you are having so much to deal with. As we can see from the many posts here where others have expressed their own experiences, you are not alone. Suffering is a part of the nature of what it is to live as much as happiness. Though our society does not always recognise this. I understand the pain of seeing people you love suffer and feeling huge stress and anxiety on their behalf . We have to accept that we cannot take pain away from those we love. We can only support them through our love and take comfort from being able to do as much for them as we can. Try not to enter too much into the feelings of people around you and take them on yourself. Do everything you can to self soothe, have breaks or pleasures or distractions for yourself. By helping yourself you are helping them. I understand there are times when we feel we cannot do this on our own and I think that is what you are feeling and reaching out for spiritual help but feeling it can not be for you. The spirit is what remains to help us when nothing else does. There is no need to believe in any particular religion or religion at all, in a God or a life after this one. Perhaps this is what some people here are saying when they say look into yourself. What is possible to find is that within you which is greater than yourself and which is within us all and which joins us together. Suffering is a spiritual experience for everyone, whether we express this is conventional religious language or not. I feel you are a strong person and will find ways that are meaningful to you that will help you . My blessings on you and your family.

I am so sorry you are dealing with so much. My heart goes out to you.

Look up ‘ Wayup forum’ on the Internet. It is an organisation, free to join, for widows/widowers. Each area has its own local events where you can meet people in the same boat and offer each other support. My local branch just has a monthly lunch meet up but, people meet and make friends amongst the other members. Nationally, holidays are arranged.

PS There is another Wayup which is for employment. Make sure you put the ‘forum’ word into your browser.

PPS I was concerned it would be maudlin’ and sad but, it is anything but!

I was (in the jargon) in a similar place 5 years ago. Had been to church as a child but not since. One day I was returning home and my route goes through a church yard. The porch was open and in it is a print of an Icon - with a few words about sorry the church is locked but you may find comfort here... - suddenly I realised that is what it's about. Giving you strength in those times when you cannot cope and you must cope. Of course I can't make sense of it. Not at all sure that matters at all.