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Living with sons in law

(21 Posts)
Mbuya Tue 17-Mar-20 23:23:58

My two daughters are asking me to seriously consider relocating to Australia. It would be lovely to spend more time with them and their families. However, I am in two minds about this because I cannot afford to live alone and would have to stay with them, probably on a rotational basis. Any tips or advice to help me make up my mind? I have been coming to stay for 3 month periods, once a year for some time.

Lavazza1st Tue 17-Mar-20 23:30:15

I worry for you that it might not feel like home if you are rotating homes?
We all need home comforts and our friends, too. Would you be happy to leave your friends and current home behind and not have your own space and independence anymore?
If you like the lifestyle, don't mind leaving your friends behind and feel confident in the life there, I'd say go for it.

Callistemon Tue 17-Mar-20 23:32:25

Could you afford to pay for a granny annexe to be built on one of their homes?
It would give you more independence.

However, there is so much else to consider depending on your age and circumstances.
Often you cannot emigrate there unless you have a substantial amount of savings.
Your UK state pension would remain static.
You would have to pay for health insurance and if you became a burden on the Australian healthcare or care system you may find yourself under threat of deportation.

I can't link but it would be worth reading in full the Australian immigration website.

hondagirl Wed 18-Mar-20 06:25:36

Have you checked out the visas that are available to you? If you are over retirement age you can apply for an aged parent visa when you are in Australia, you then get a bridging visa which allows you to stay until your permanent visa is granted. You will however, literally still be a temporary resident and not entitled to any benefits and will not get full health benefits from Medicare. There is a considerably long wait for the visa and you would have to pass a medical before it is granted. If you are under retirement age then there is an offshore visa 103 which costs less, but the wait is stated as around 30 years. Alternatively there is the Contributory Parent visa, which costs thousands of pounds and the wait time is around 7-8 years. As others say your UK pension will be frozen at the rate you receive it when you leave the UK. There is also a temporary parent visa which is valid for 3, or 5 years and costs $5,000 or $10,000 depending on which one you apply for. The 5 year oe can be renewed giving you 10 years in Australia. Hope this helps. All visas require you to pass a medical. As others said get your family to check out what visas are available to you and the wait times.

sodapop Wed 18-Mar-20 08:52:20

After reading hondagirl's post I think you should check out all the requirements for emigrating to Australia Mbuya it may be that you are precluded anyway.
I'm not sure that the rotational living will be ideal that in itself throws up problems. I would think carefully before embarking on such a move. Maybe you could go for longer visits.

Lancslass1 Wed 18-Mar-20 10:39:50

I don’t know how old you are Mbuya but I would hate to live with either of my lovely sons (and they with me I am sure)
What would you miss about England if you went there?
My elder son and family are in Canada.
I would not go to live there-even if they wanted me too(which has not been suggested!)

Callistemon Wed 18-Mar-20 10:45:31

hondagirl I was thinking of the elderly British woman who could not afford her nursing home fees so was under threat of deportation. I can't remember how long she had lived there.

janeayressister Wed 18-Mar-20 11:43:58

My cousin emigrated to Australia with her husband both age 72. They were not allowed to live where they wanted and they paid for the higher rate to include them in healthcare. It cost them thousands of pounds.
Now her husband has dementia and one of her daughters has died.
They have plenty of money though.
It needs seriously thinking about. However my cousin hasn’t said she regrets it.

sodapop Wed 18-Mar-20 12:22:37

I think the title of your thread tells us something Mbuya do you have some concerns over how your sons in law feel about these proposed living arrangements.?

AllTheLs Wed 18-Mar-20 12:30:45

My Australian daughter-in-law told me that we would need millions of pounds to be able to up-sticks and live a comfortable (not rich) life out in Australia. Don't forget paying for healthcare - huge amount if you are in an older age bracket/have health issues.

Luckygirl Wed 18-Mar-20 13:24:24

I do not think that house-sharing on a rotation on the other side of the world sounds a good idea really.

Bluecat Wed 18-Mar-20 15:20:10

I don't know about Australia but costs in the USA are phenomenal, particularly for health care. We could not possibly afford to emigrate to live with our kids. I think that older people need to think extremely carefully before they go to live in a country where they cannot easily access medical care.

NotSpaghetti Wed 18-Mar-20 17:03:51

I would not want to live somewhere where I had no proper home.
I think I wouldn't do it if I couldn't afford my own space and all the costs involved even if technically I was allowed a Visa. Sounds a recipe for disaster.

GreenGran78 Wed 18-Mar-20 21:07:28

People are always asking me if I would like to go and live in Oz with my children. At one time it was possible to do so if more than half of your children live there. Things are much different now, and you would need to have a large amount of money to even consider it.
I also have been staying with them for three month holidays, moving around between them. I love them all dearly, and get on well with the in-laws, but after a couple of months I start hankering for my home. It’s lovely to get back and ‘do my own thing’ again, without having to fit in with everyone else. I also get really tired of the sunshine, strange as it seems smile
I would do lots of research on the Oz government website before applying to emigrate. I would also think long and hard about how you would feel about giving up your independence. Families often have fall-outs, as we know from reading GN posts. What would happen if you sold up, moved in with the family, then were asked to leave? You may think that it could never happen. It happened to one of my friends, in this country, after getting along well with her DD all her life. Living together can bring out the worst in people!

Mbuya Wed 18-Mar-20 23:05:35

Thank you very much everyone for all your insightful comments. I certainly need to do some serious homework based on the feedback, whether it is about visas, losing independence, my medical situation, having my own space and other considerations. I certainly would not want my current relationships to become strained if I move without carefully thinking it through. Perhaps the solution is to have more frequent visits-I shall just have to give myself a time line for decision making.

Shizam Wed 18-Mar-20 23:40:48

No idea about the Aus visas or high health quotes. But I can’t think of anything worse than staying in other people’s homes on a rotation for three months I find it stressful just for a weekend! Sure it’s lovely to be with family, but you need your own place and space.

Hithere Wed 18-Mar-20 23:53:07

Visiting more often would give you a good idea how moving there would work.

You say you wouldn't be able to afford to live on your own. How much would you depend on them financially?
Socially speaking- do you have friends there?
Would your family be your only social life you would have?

The immigration issue has also been brought up by other pp

Be sure to discuss every tiny detail with your dd if you decide to go through with it. Even something mundane can make a huge difference

welbeck Wed 18-Mar-20 23:59:42

i think it is risky to live with family, or can be.
perhaps my view is clouded by the friend of a friend whom i knew. they were close friends, aged about 80, lived in same block council flats london. jessie's daughter who lived in the home counties and her son decided that jessie would be more comfortable living near them. so they provided the finance for jessie to purchase her council flat, at a subsidised price as she had lived there 40 yrs. then they moved her out, put in tenants, and eventually sold the flat at a fat profit.
meanwhile jessie was left languishing in a small flat in the middle of nowhere, they didnt bother with her, she knew no one there, totally isolated, would ring her old friend back in islington and cry. it was pitiable. it happens a lot.

hondagirl Thu 19-Mar-20 04:31:13

Callistemon, yes I know the case. However, she passed away shortly afterwards so wasn't deported.

hondagirl Thu 19-Mar-20 04:37:43

With regard to health, if you become a permanent resident then you are entitled to Medicare which is the public health system. Australia has a reciprocal agreement with the UK which covers medically necessary treatment and emergencies, but not elective things such as a hip replacement. This is what you would be relying on as a temporary residents, unless you could afford private health care which can be expensive.

GreenGran78 Thu 19-Mar-20 13:33:43

hondagirl. My DH had a stroke while we were visiting family in Oz. We had insurance, but all his hospital treatment, for six weeks, was covered by the reciprocal agreement. Far better treatment than in the U.K., too. Physical and Speech therapy every weekday made a big difference to his recovery. The two weeks in our local hospital, on his return, was just basic care.