Let's see if we can make each other laugh

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Subject: Sex for older folk

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,


'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians"
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely sod all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless.
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The stuffing I'd nibbled, the turkey I'd taste
The yummies I'd eaten gone straight to my waist.
The wine and the mince pies,
The bread and the cheese
I should have just said, "No thank you, please."
... So as I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
I couldn't believe my bottom and belly - the girth!
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend the year disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour-cream dip,
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
Instead I'll chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have Irish coffees, or chocolates, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry:
"I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore-
But isn't that what January's for?"
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

For those who are affected by this poem you can ring the special diet helpline on the following number:
808080028 (Ate Nothing, Ate Nothing, Ate Nothing, Nothing to Ate)

A heroic biker . . .

Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replies: "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continues: "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait until the police arrive..."

RACISM is NOT OK

Silverlady Don't know who you are or where you're coming from, but Welcome! Like a breath of fresh air!
Reminiscent of GreatNan's prolific style!
Thank you and Good Health.

A woman comes home and tells her husband:

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches." The husband asks. "What happened?"

His wife replies. "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'. It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies. "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says. "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says. "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says. "Boy, that was wonderful."

The husband says. "Don't move! I'll be right back"

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says. "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying."

“She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.”

His funeral service will be held on Tuesday!

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a nice little older lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old women! They may be OLD; they may be slow ... but their minds are always working!)

God said, "Adam, I
want you to do
something for Me."
Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"
God
said, "Go down
into that valley."
Adam said, "What's
a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said,
"Cross the
river.."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill....."
Adam said,
"What is a hill?"
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
the other side of the
hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained,
He said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you
to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."
And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
into the valley,
across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.
God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a
headache?"

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I recently called an old Engineering friend of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."
I was very impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
Man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”

An amazing 2 letter English word

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP


Read until the end ... you'll laugh.


This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.



To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.



And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UPabout UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UPa lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.



When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!



Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . . it's UP to you.

We always do, don’t we ladies?!

Yep!!!

Too true!!????

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Silverlady333 you are amazing, I have been laughing my socks off all afternoon. Others too, thanks all.

Husband: “I changed a light bulb today. ”
Wife: “ That's it? I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, washed windows, cooked three meals, and the list goes on and on ... And you changed a single light bulb?
Husband: “Yep, that’s what I did today. Watch this; I filmed me doing it.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1BgzIZRfT8