Daily challenge #5 (Tues 7 April) - give us your lockdown limericks

I'm a 50's born lady called Pat
Who doesn't want to get fat
So I worked out with Joe Wicks
Doing star jumps and kicks
And now I'm laid out on the mat!

There once was a farmer called Joel
Who told his wife he fancied toad in the hole
With flour so rare
She substituted talc in despair
He said it tasted like an old plimsoll

The roads are clear, the air is sweet
My cupboards see full of treats to eat
But my heart sorely misses
My granddaughter's kisses
And the sound of her little pattering feet

The second line should read
'My cupboards ARE full of treats to eat'

My days are surprisingly busy
Today I was in such a tizzy
Loads of clutter to sort
A lot more than I thought
So to bed now before I get dizzy!

patnic

These are very good. ?

My self-assigned task for today
Is to cut the grass which looks like old hay
It's got weeds and moss
But I don't give a toss
I'd rather stay in with GN and play.

I too cut my grass yesterday,
It's lovely and sunny today,
I know it's a pain
But I wish it would rain
My water butt's empty, I say.

When my dogs go outside for a wee,
I rinse it away, do you see?
It keeps the grass green,
No patches are seen,
But the water butt's empty. Oh! Me!

I'm still putting off doing the mowing
And some new grass seed does need sowing
But it's such hard work
From which I shirk
I'd rather be out with my caravan towing.

Since your caravan you cannot pull,
And you haven't got use of a bull,
To nibble your grass,
Come on now, my lass,
And mow while the weather's not dull!

If you’ve not heard of covid-19
I really don’t know where you’ve been
If you’re not infected
Please don’t feel neglected
Just keep drinking the home made poteen

Although I've been quite upbeat so far,
Now feel like putting my head in a jar
And no chocolate eggs
And no sherry, just dregs
And I can't even go out in my car.

No-one else writing?, well I'll just soldier on
And on and on till my energy's gone
But I''m feeling upbeat
'Cos my garden is neat
Yesterday I mowed till it was all done

My efforts on here aren't good
They don't seem to rhyme as they should
I'll try really hard
But my brain feels like lard
It's no better this time, is it?

Apologies for the toilet humour
Either that or a baby boomer
Oh, I forgot to flush
Now where is that brush
Oh, that was a big blooper



The boy who was blue
Didn't know what to do
Or so he thought
If he doesn't get caught
He'll stick the whole lot down the Loo



My friend found a Rat
She can't buy a Cat
The Dog doesn't care
He's just found a spare
His big paw just squashed it flat



I've scoffed the Lemon Tart
No one else to take part
I've started on the Scone
Won't stop till it's gone
Now I need a good fart



My Sister's got a blister
The spelk it just missed her
The hammer fell hard
And now she is scarred
No Grandson here to kiss her



My brother from another Mother
Stole a Porche under cover
But it wouldn't start
And he soon had to dart
When confronted by a mugger

What a brilliant effort, Molly10
I'm just going to try one again
It's sunny today,
I'm going out to play,
But only in the garden until, - when?

Thank you henetha...

I've added to yours:

It's sunny today,
I'm going out to play,
But only in the garden until ten
I'll be shattered by then
But will get through come what May

From the topic I did stray
Apologies for the dismay
My focus is spent
And we've just past Lent
Wish this bloody Virus would go away

Any topic is fine for a limerick
Anything at all, you can pick,
As long as it scans
To the limerick plans
I quite often fail, but then I'm thick!

If I go out I feel nothing but guilt
So a fortress around me I’ve built
By being so lazy
My mind has gone hazy
So I’ll just stay under my quilt.

I thought I would join in this thread
But I seem to have killed it quite dead
My short lockdown ditty
Being quite lucid and witty
Was clearly all in my head.

As I've never owned a TV
It's just Google Mini and me
So I tune to the podcasts
And even some God-casts
Put out by the great BBC

There's science and hist'ry and more
So list'ning is never a bore
Jane Austen and jokes
Oh, the smiles that invokes
Can't wait to tune in and explore.

My repeat prescription is due today
I'm going to fetch it myself, come what may
It's a genuine excuse
To just cut loose
So the car and I are going out to play!