A little banter, OR the joke's on you.

I see Captain Tom has had it on his toes: last seen boarding a private jet.

A man walks into a bar ... lucky s*d !

??

Great thread Gabriella for short jokes! Love it.

My favourite so far is Davida’s There haven't been any big decisions as yet
?

Someone in my family sent this message round to us:
“Anyone else looking forward to a long weekend watching catch up tv while sitting in their pants and eating pudding?”

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says "Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?
Jim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Like a newborn baby?"
"Yes; No hair, no teeth and I think I've just wet my pants.!

These have made me giggle thank you.

I thought I heard the Bee Gees playing in my herb garden, but it was just the chives talking

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents.
We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my Dad leaned over and said, "Son, I
think this one's a keeper."
"Awww Dad, what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant poo."

?????????????????thank you all. If I can think of one I’ll be back

Bradfordlass ???????

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi had been discussing St Francis of Assisi and how wonderful he was with animals.

It turned into something of a competition whereby they all decide to go out and convert bears (they’d been at the priest’s communion wine)

Later they got together.
The priest begins: “I read to the bear from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
The Minister says: “I found a bear by the stream, preached God’s word and the bear was so moved he asked me baptize him.” (clearly they had talking bears in his neck of the woods)

They both look towards the Rabbi, who is bandaged and with his arm in a cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Love that NotSpaghetti.
I told this true story to a quite elderly and very tearful friend on the 'phone the other day and she laughed and laughed :

When Marilyn Monroe hadn't been dating Joe DiMaggio for very long, he invited her to meet his parents and took her to lunch in their home. They all got along well and after the meal she went upstairs to use the bathroom which she found was directly above the dining room. Not wanting to broadcast her visit to those below, she turned on the bathroom tap until the flush was pulled. Joe meanwhile asked his parents if they liked her, what did they think? His Father replied that he thought she was charming and very pretty ....and also, that she peed like a horse!

Not sure if this counts as a joke...

They each must start with one person...but we never know who...??
GreatNan left a wonderful legacy of jokes which she freely admitted she plagiarised from many sources then "copy/paste!" There's 40 pages of them in GN archives!

A woman complained to her husband that he was very immature. He told her to get out of his fort.

These have brightened my day! More please!!!!

Great, they're all new to me. I wonder who on earth makes jokes up. They each must start with one person...but we never know who...??

An elderly couple go to Church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husband's ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
The husband replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

A couple celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary are asked by a journalist: "What's the secret of your long marriage?"
The husband: "When we married, we agreed that I'd make all the big decisions and that my wife would make all the small ones."
Journalist: "How has that worked out?"
Wife: "Very well indeed. There haven't been any big decisions as yet."

If I was rich I'd buy an aeroplane

I'd like to hear the seller say "Would you like to keep the hanger?"

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a whisky....... and Cola

Why the big pause? asks the bartender

The bear shrugs ' Dunno, I was born with them

Someone asked an old man:
"Even after 79 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, love, sweetheart. What's the secret?"
Old man:
"Oh, no secret -I've forgotten her name and I'm too scared to ask her."