Best way to react?

Good Luck with however you go forward.

I hope the ideas here will help you find a way through your current unhappy situation towards a happier you and a different/better job.

Until the better job I hope you have some techniques to help you stay safer and feel safer.

Thanks everybody for taking the time to post. Lots of resources and suggestions have been put forward which has been great. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity to deal with my "trigger" until I get another job. I suppose I'm trying to develop on a personal level.

Thanks again everybody

I had a bullying manager before |I retired. I believe it was because she was jealous of the good comments which were made about the work I was doing. I know this sounds like boasting but I never boasted, just tried my best to do a good job. I do a small part time job now and I have a manager who is supportive, kind and really appreciates her staff. She never fails to thank us especially when she sees us going the extra mile. We work extra hard for her.

Gabrielle G54 you save stuff on your work email you never use your personal email.
I don't think we are here to be a jury just give advice on what we are given as we will never get the managers side.

I used to experience similar situations, when I went into my boss, I remained calm and professional but in my head he was sitting behind his desk wearing a mankini.! I won in the end.

He sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies and with them, you will never win. Everything they do is to gain narcissistic "supply"...they are like vampires and can suck the life blood from you. They target you because they recognise you as easy "supply" because of how your dad made you feel. The fact you say you walk on eggshells strongly suggests narcissistic behaviour. Narcissists never show true remorse or any accountability for their actions. Never. If they do, it is false and a means to an end.
Please find Melanie Tonia Evans online and on Facebook and watch some of her videos and read the transcripts - it will make so much sense to you then. She deals with all types, and whether your "narc" connection is with a parent, partner, at work or even narcissistic adult children. Just realise that the boss will NEVER change....the only thing you can change is how you deal with it. Good luck.

The OP was asking for advice and, as with any problem that is posted on Gransnet - we only have one side of the story. Having said that, I think the OP was being very self-aware and honest in acknowledging that her feelings about this man's behaviour may be heightened because of her own background. However, she also says that there have been complaints from other people.

It hardly matters that it has been said this man appears to be a bully. There are no details which could possibly identify him. The OP will make up her own mind as to whether she feels she has grounds to complain about this man.

I think willa has also given some good advice in saying that counselling might help the OP to be more assertive in difficult situations.

Why did he delete all your hard work!!?

...and I wish posters wouldn't immediately cast the manager as a bully etc as you/we know nothing of his story. I'd hate you to be on a jury.

I agree Hetty58
We are, after all, only knowing one side of the story. We cannot judge fairly after knowing only 1/3 of the tale. The other two characters in this miserable affair are being castigated by 'us' who don't know them.
Naturally, I have every sympathy for the OP but her telling of the tale is tainted by her 'dislike' of her father, therefore her judgement of her manager in whom she sees shades of her parent.
This would affect her ability to divorce her loathing for her father from the (possibly) critical eye of her manager.

If you really don't get on and you're unhappy at work, the easiest thing to do is look for another job.

It's not worth all the stress and hassle of fighting your corner, especially when others may well just see it as a personality clash.

Keep copies.
Document everything.
Make paper trails I. e. Email, best not verbal as it can be denied.
Challenge him in an email. NOW when I say challenge lots of people this this means aggressively it doesn't! Such as...... I noticed my work of Xxxxx has been deleted, and I'm wondering why this was?
I'd like to have the opportunity to discuss my deleted work of XXX with you please let me know when you are available etc etc. Generally bullies don't like meeting!
Bullies remain bullies until challenged, show you can't be treated that way, manage your manager it CAN be done! Once done easily repeated ?

Your father issues may actually be hurting your ability to be assertive in other situations as well, so beware. You may need some professional counseling to help you recognize and avoid other abusive relationships, especially in your personal life.

In the workplace, critiquing, correcting and even rejecting a subordinates work, is at the manager's discretion as long as it's done constructively. Deleting someone's work however, especially without their consent, is both unprofessional and possibly unethical depending on the motivation.

Unless you've been working there for a long time and your career is on track and thriving, I would start looking for a better job. You should seek a professional environment where employees are valued and respected.

In the meantime, maintain a diary of these incidents (a couple of videos might not hurt either). When you have enough ammunition (and another job lined up, just in case), report him to HR. In this day and age, no one should have to put up with workplace abuse!

When he is in the parent state you will have to learn to act as an adult in the adult state not a child in the child state. Very difficult.

Do not say you are struggling etc. he will use any humble approach as a sign that you are not competent in the job and dismiss you on grounds of capability or rather lack of it.

As other have said keep a copy of all your communications and then discuss this with HR you probably have grievance procedure you can follow however a manager who bullies might counter with a disciplinary process and it could all get out of hand. You are in a very difficult situation As someone else suggested look at your job description and do your job. Initiative is not on the whole welcomed unless you have fulfilled you actual obligations for which you are paid. Good luck.

I kept a record of the bullying and then told someone what I was doing, knowing the message would get back to the perpetrator. He stopped.

Bullies are often insecure cowards so standing up to him might work. Better still look for another job as soon as possible. Start working on your CV or an official complaint listing times and dates of any incidents. It might help to feel you are moving forward.

Despite all that’s going on my son has had a job offer.

Documentation is the key, with dates and times and who was present, if any. HR should then be your next port of call. I was a bullying victim. My documentation was too hard for them to deny the bullying. I won the case. My boss was a female!

Look for another job, dear, or complain to your union about your manager.

Certainly, document his behaviour.

In addition to all the other good advice you, OP, mentioned the Parent Adult Child ego states. There are other good ways of understanding and helping you take good care of yourself in this situation but I hope this helps a little bit too.

A few things that might help you re PAC

1) When your farther (P) was criticising you (C) that is what you were The Child. You had very few options as The Child you have a few more options now.

I believe it is important that you KNOW and UNDERSTAND the options you have available to you NOW.

One of the most Important facts you could work on is that when YOU were the Child YOU did not have the Adult, Grown Up, Big YOU to help you with your Farther.

You have The BIG YOU (A) to help you Now. You've just used your (A) by asking for help/advice. Good Start, Go YOU :-)

I understand your boss can behave in a way that take you back into your (C) so change some thinking and some ways you talk about HIM and the WORK situation.

1) NO NO NO - he is not your Boss - HE is a Manager For The Business.

He is NOT the person who controls your LIFE nor can take you LIFE away from you.

He can affect your Working Life but you can Change things.

I understand that he is making your Working Life difficult.

BUT (he is a butt)

Now you have a BIG YOU (A) to stand in front of the Little You (C) and you can Protect your Little You (C) from this butt Manager AND your Farther.

Some of your options GNers have already suggested and there are some very good suggestions here.

You have Options.

As a Child you didn't have these Options

You couldn't get another Home or another Farther when you were a Child.

You have more power in this situation than you did in the situation with your Farther.

You do seem to realise there is a difference but I am guessing you are struggling with How to understand the differences and How to make them work for you in this Here and Now situation.

If you want to get a bit more information/understanding or the psychological (you) element of your current difficult relationship with what sounds like a Bullying man then Google is your friend until you can get out of there.

Look at Dealing with a Bullying Boss. Find out what the Law says. If you want to fill in more of the P A C and the Drama Triangle TA Tutor is a good site or look up TA Transactional Analysis.

Get researching, learn and find your power. With personal Power your have Potency and with Potency you have the Power to PROTECT you Now and the little you.

Wishing you all the very best of outcomes and a lovely New Job in the future.

Surely taking copies of work related matters (both to and from the business) and sending to your own personal email, contravenes data protection laws.
Be very careful. That could backfire. I would certainly sack an employee who did that and the OP could be taken to a tribunal.
I personally think that the OP is overlaying her father's attitude onto her manager, possibly misinterpreting his seemingly officious behaviour as it reminds her of her father.
The nub of the matter is her paternal relationship, not the manager who is the fall guy for her inability to separate two people who shine a critical eye over her actions.

For starters whatever work you do please keep copies. I would in a non aggressive way send an email and ask him to point out where you are going wrong just so you can learn for future. You need as much as you can get in a written form, anyone can deny saying anything, so you need to have emails. Also address it to someone higher if manager doesn't respond.
Try to separate this person from the behaviour of your Dad, cut off from emotions this is your boss and should give you reasonable reasons why he thinks your work is not good enough.
But as it has bought up emotions to do with your Dad deal with them as a separate issue. If you have to wait for counselling write your emotions down or send your Dad a letter expressing how he made you feel growing up. You don't need to send it this is all to help you heal from your dad's behaviour.

@ineedamum
You have my full symathy, I was in a similar position until 2 years ago when I escaped. My line manager found fault with everything I did even though she was the only person with a problem, other managers used to praise me for the quality and quantitiy of my work. I kept a copy of everything, saved it onto a memory stick which meant it was timed and dated. I also kept a diary (at home) of all incidents with her, she made my life hell for over two years until one day I did something about it. Confronting a bully doesnt work, trust me, I tried that one, it only made it worse. But going out finding another job really hit her where it hurt, you see, as I did all of her management reports for head office in Europe each week/ month/ quarter and year. I also kept her department training records for her team of 40. This is just a small part of her job that I did that she couldnt manage to grasp that she had shunted onto me. She had overloaded me so much that I was going into the office at 06.00 daily and often not leaving until 18.00hrs just to keep my head above water, she was coming in at 11.00 leaving at 14.00 you get the gist. Everyone who leaves that company gets an exit interview with an HR Manager. There is a set list of questions to answer about why you are leaving etc, etc. This is where I got my own back, I didnt need a reference from her as I knew the managers where I was moving to so a generic HR reference was more than enough to tick the box. I also told them why it was HR providing the reference.they were happy with that. I did however answer all exit interview questions truthfully and to the point. The HR Managers face said it all as the qusetions continued. At the end she asked why I had said nothing previously to which I replied simply "would anyone have believed me if I had done?" The upshot is that the woman has now been retrained, has a blot on her record for bullying, new procedures were put into place to stop it happening again and she is even now closely monitored by Senior Management. I know someone who still works there in the department next door to the one I was in. It is the best move I ever made. I love my "new" job, have loveley management who appreciate everything . Please dont suffer in silence as I did. you are not alone and need to make it stop for your own sake.

Belinda, karma!

Been there - done that! My last job before retirement had an absolute monster - if a short a***d one. Used to drive whole department crazy and almost drove my immediate boss (who was an absolute angel) into a nervous breakdown.

He had a nasty habit of stepping into your personal space before slitting his eyes at you and getting himself wound up. I stopped him because I used to burst out laughing at him. Sorry, but he was absolutely pathetic. One of his remarks to me that was supposed to put me in my place was "Belinda, I could never have you as my secretary" to which my reply was "That's good, because I couldn't work for anyone who had no sense of humour". Well he started it!

Eventually, he was made redundant.

The oddest thing was that outside of work he was a really pleasant person to spend time with?!?!?

Rmegan, your story really saddened me, and the toll on your health was shocking. If I were in that situation, or if the OP feels anything like you, she needs advice about
on claiming constructive dismissal. This bully should not get away with causing such distress. You are at work and employers are required to provide a duty of care. If your situation is causing such extreme anxiety when your boss is in the room, it's affecting your health and wellbeing at work. I couldn't stay. Working relationships are as important as personal ones as you spend so much time at work.

Try imagining him without his clothes - bring him down to earth in your mind. Hope it helps!