Grieving on your own is very hard

In such a painful and difficult time it's clear from everything that has been written, we all greatly share your sadness,
To lose someone so precious is a body blow, but what you have shared so honestly with all of us will, I hope, help to put your feelings into words, and in your kindness and dignity you will also have helped others too. Whenever you want to, this group is here. I'm fairly new but the people who give their support in this forum are pretty special, I'm so impressed, and you're one of them.

Just know that there a lot of people thinking of, and empathising with you.

I feel so sorry for you Calpurnia,it must be a horrible time to be newly bereaved.I lost my husband nearly 2 years ago,I have tried to built a new life for myself,had lots of plans,but everything's cancelled now.It must be so hard to have to go through the early days of grieving without any hugs from family and friends,you sound a very capable person,and would have tried to rebuild your life,but it's impossible at the moment.Hopefully there are better days ahead

I'm sorry for your loss, I feel for you.

My condolences to all who have lost a loved one.
Be truthful how you are feeling it will help. Please don't bottle up your emotions- you need to grieve.
Last Wednesday we buried my brother in law with an immediate family grave side service. Although it was very strange he was a man who liked to be outdoors so the service was fitting in a strange way.
Friday a very dear friend died suddenly. We text or phoned daily but I am unable to go to the Crematorium because of number restrictions. Truthfully I'm in a mess and when my phone pings with a message I think it's my friend. Even my cat knows I'm upset as she hasn't left my side since we heard the news.

Calpurnia, I have no great wisdom to add to what has been said but I wanted to add a huge (((cyber hug))) with much love. My husband was killed in a traffic collision in January so I know the awful desolation you are feeling and how much worse it is during these lonely weeks of house arrest.

One thing I have learned is to be honest about my feelings. Real friends will understand and support you when you have a meltdown over the phone. The people who only want to hear, "I'm fine," or "doing okay" are not true friends, however long you've known them. Be honest with those relatives you care about, too. They care about you and they cared about your husband so let your grief unite you.

I'm rarely here on GN or any other social medium these days because all the virus talk and speculation has prompted me to stay away from everything except Classic FM. However, there are some lovely people here and many of them have stretched out their hands in friendship and I have found those cyber hands very comforting. Be gentle with yourself; don't say you're fine when you're not and, above all, be aware you're not alone.

Dear Calpurnia and everyone else who is in this situation, Idnt know you but send heartfelt sympathy. A cousin of mine died recently, and all I could think of was his wife’s loneliness , having no physical support in grieving. Its so cruel. I’m sure your children do understand that really you are NOT fine, and you should express your true emotions to them.

I’m sorry for your loss. I know we are in lockdown, but couldn’t you move in with a member of your family. There is nothing to say you can’t do this and you and they could isolate for 2 weeks together and you should feel so lonely.

I'm sorry for both ladies who have lost their husbands. I know how it feels although at this time, it makes the loss more difficult to cope with.

Stay strong and know that all things become more bearable in time.

A virtual hug and my sympathy. There are no words to express how you are feeling.

A lady I know has just buried her husband, He was eighty years old and had been in hospital for three weeks when they weren't allowed to visit. He was then transferred to the local Community Hospital where he contracted the virus and sadly died. Only ten people allowed to attend, she had to travel in a car on her own as did each of her children and their husband/wives., no hugs - no 'wake'. It is hard enough to cope with in normal times .

Take care ,stay safe

If feeling sorry for yourself isn't to be expected now, when is it. Goodness you are carrying on dealing with all the necessary details and on your own, you are strong. Of course you will have moments and many of them when you just want to the situation to be acknowlowedged: your and your family loss; the lonely existence up to your DHs death and the imposition of the stark funeral arrangements. You need to tell those who contact you just how you are saying given all that has happened you are okay but you wish it was different leading in to talking about your situation. If you really cannot verbalize on the phone why not try writing your feeling down no matter how many times. This can help give you a clearer path into accepting all that has happened and why. Heartfelt thoughts are with you.

Stay strong. My neighbor is in a similar situation so we have conversations across the gardens .

So sorry to hear this @calpurnia. Thinking of you and sending you love and hugs. Here if you need to talk xxx

Someone very wise said that the price of a great love, was great sadness when ones love died. How very lucky you were to share 52 years with this marvelous man, and how privileged to hold him in your arms as he passed. not many people will be able to look back on such love and devotion.
None of this holds back the huge tide of grief and loss that you must be feeling. Above all, don't say you are fine, you aren't, talk about him, talk about the desolation. My love and prayers to you.

The worst of blows at the worst of times - how much you are having to bear, Calpurnia. Words never seem to express the thoughts we have for others. Hang on, continue to be brave, and vent your feelings to Gransnet when you need to. xx

My daughter (in her 30s) once told me she was having a D&G moment and she didn't know how long it would last. Obviously I asked about D&G. Her response ... Mum it's Doom and Gloom and it means I'm struggling with something and I'm feeling hurt, annoyed, irritated, infuriated, sad, emotional and much more. When I'm in my D&G moments i immerse myself in the feeling as it's there for a reason. I don't want to quick fix myself. I don't want anyone around me to fix/help me, I just want to WALLOW in it. When she explained that to me I thought 'wow, I've got to try this' and I have and I found it quite liberating. I guess what I'm saying to you is immerse yourself in all of your feelings. Thinking of you. xx

Calpurnia, I am so sorry about your loss and my heart goes out to you. You have to tell yourself that you are strong and you will survive through this. This is the price you pay when you love so much for so long, b ut you must express your feelings as best you can to your family and friends this is the only way to heal and come to terms with life.
Wishing you all the strength you need.

Firstly I am so very sorry for your loss. To lose someone and not to have the usual support mechanisms around you must be doubly difficult. When my beloved Mother died, I was looking for a quote to sum up how to vocalise my thoughts and feelings and found one from the Queen of all people. She said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” This has always been very comforting to me as the hurt and loss we feel is commensurate to the love we felt for that person. I do hope it might help you too in a small way. I am sending my very best wishes ?

My heart goes out to you at this so very sad time. It is so obvious that you loved each other very much and in times to come it will be the happy memories that will once again make you smile. Sending you a big hug!

Acknowledgement and understanding is absolutely what is needed.
Sending that to you now x

Answers to "how are you?"
1) Struggling a bit.
2) Getting there
3) Grim
4) Trying to hold it all together
5) A mess
6) I've been better
7) Not coping very well
8) Trying to cope
9) I can't answer that
10) Sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear.
11) I will email you, I can't talk without crying
12) Doing my best to get through this.
13) I can't do feelings today, sorry.

I hope that you might find something in there to use. So sorry for your loss and the complicated situation that you are dealing with by yourself. xxxx

Lots of love, Calpurnia

There are some beautifully tender and supportive messages already expressed. I hope they comfort you and that you have found some relief from expressing your feelings on Gransnet.
I send you condolences too and want to join all the Gransnetters wanting to comfort you. I hope you will be able to express how you really feel to your children and friends. I think they would want to know, and I bet they are very proud of you and how you are coping. You have been and are a very brave lady.

My heart goes out to you Calpurnia.
xxx

So very sorry to read of the loss of your DH.
I have a friend that is going through the same thing - even though her husband had been in a nursing home for several years after a stroke, she still spent a large part of each day with him and in fact her whole day was built around that.
I see absolutely no problem if, when someone calls you to see how you are, that you admit that you are struggling.
Through experience, if you say that you are ok, the person asking will think that you really are, means that they don't see the need to contact you again.
Perhaps if you look at this time as a time to gather your resources together, look through old photo albums, any videos etc and remember your husband through your time spent together. If you shed a few tears, who cares? no one will see!
Sending you a virtual hug and don't forget, there may be several other Gransnetters that may also be grieving. With or without other people, it is still the same xx