Cabin fever with adult children

I can't believe some of the derogatory comments here regarding the daughter.
Teachers are people too and the ones I know, as well as trying to prepare numerous remote lessons and marking etc are afraid of going back to work.

That said, I'm obviously sorry that LynG6 is having such a tough time, but her daughter is obviously trying to control the things she feels she may be able to.

She may be feeling that if she can't keep her home environment safe (Lyn's home) what chance does she have at school? And stories from schools that are still open are NOT encouraging.

Could you sit down calmly with her Lyn and ask her gently about her fears and exactly what she needs you to do for her to feel safe? Personally I would not be confrontational as that will undoubtedly make things worse. By being sympathetic and finding out calmly what she thinks you should be doing (and agreeing to some of them) you may be able to live more harmoniously till this is all over.

Good luck.

Of course she is anxious about schools reopening. This has not been thought through and your daughter will know how impossible social distancing is especially if she works with younger children. PPE will be needed but we know how limited this is.

Luckily there is better guidance coming through from professional unions.

If your daughter is to be exposed to Covid19 there is a very real risk she could bring it back into your house.

How about you both sit down with a cup of tea and cake and have a quiet mother to daughter chat about her fears. You night find that she is concerned about your health too as you might be in a vulnerable age group.

Confrontation is never the answer and understanding one another is the more mature approach.

Teachers are still getting full pay. The majority are working hard from home setting work for their students via the internet. One would expect this daughter to be so busy doing this that she would. ot have time to criticise her long suffering,
kind mum !!!

Have similar experience ,DD and partner both here .
Husband too.
It could become a volcano,so trying to be tolerant .

They are waiting to move into a house, they are in the process of buying,only waiting for the house move solicitors to be able to proceed
Trying to keep things as calm as possible.

I now am worried about empty nest syndrome when they move though.
She is a teacher too!

Avalon and Icanhandthemback well said

It is wonderful to self isolate & have no appointments to make or attend & no adult children's tune to jump to .

I've heard a lot of pitying, sympathetic comments about people 'all on their own' in this crisis. I've also heard constant sniping and rows from a few doors down (couple and adult son isolating).

If any of my children were here, I doubt we'd be getting along. I was invited to stay by both a daughter and sister at the beginning of lockdown. 'No thanks', I said - perhaps a bit too quickly!

Give her this to read.

Don’t imagine harsh words such as ‘my house, my rules’ are going to make living together easier. Talking when you’re both reasonably calm may help. Maybe on a walk. Always found it easier to talk to someone in troubled times when we weren’t face to face. In the garden in the dark was a good one. Possibly with blankets! And tea and biccies!
Best of luck. Do hope you can solve to be a happier house.
I have an adult son here. Luckily, we seem to rub along quite well. But understand how difficult it is for them, and for us.

Good advice from Icanhandthemback…..

…..*LynG6, your daughter is sounds like she is suffering from anxiety along with many people these days and she needs to get a handle on it but may need your help to do so. Teaching is a highly stressful job at the best of times and I expect that she knows that it is likely to be a devil's own job to get things back on track which will take a lot of hard work even without the worries of distancing. Although I understand all the arguments for telling your daughter that it is your house so your rules, I'm not sure that is terribly helpful at the moment and it is also her home. My advice would be to calmly ask your daughter not to speak to you in that way when she is being rude or moody, ignore her spraying the anti-bac and her comments about what you have bought. If you escalate things it will just mean that you have to live in an even more unpleasant atmosphere which would probably be even worse. Once this is over, you can make decisions about whether her time at home has reached the end*

I am another poster who believes as she is in your house it’s your rules, this is hard on everyone, you shouldn’t be getting any backlash from her, and no way should you be explaining away to her why you are getting parcels del. if you want to leave your gardener a coffee so be it, as long as the cup is washed up properly, and you are using adequate hand washing etc,

Easybee's comment of 'She is a teacher; she should have some control over her emotions' is completely true. However, I have a 42 years old sister, also a teacher, who needs a trauma nurse if she can't find the right colour nail polish!! Yes, it's your house, your rules but daughters will be daughters and more and more I feel that daughters are not happy unless they are picking on mum, whenever and wherever they can. Let her know who's boss, you're saving her tons of money no doubt and for that reason alone she should be more thankful..

Point out to your daughter.

that this situation is hard on us all.

that the fact that you are her mother does not mean she can treat you with less than common courtesy.

that it is no business of hers what you buy or order

that as long as the gardener's cup was washed by you and scalded, no-one is likely to catch anything from it

Then ask her to be her age.

She will be sulky and oh, so hurt, but she is behaving like the worst spoilt brat she has ever taught or ever will teach.

Kind regards to you both from a retired school-teach er of the Prof. McGonnegal type.

This is obviously a stressful situation for you but as a teacher well aware of the problems she may face when she returns to work I imagine it is stressful for her as well. Is her behaviour different now from what it has always been?

My personal feeling is that making a big thing of something as trivial as the anti-bac spray, annoying as it may be, is pointless.. In a difficult situation saying nothing is often the best response and going down the my house my rules path will only lead to confrontation and I doubt whether in any case she would change her ways. My response to the question "what have you been buying now?" would be just "something I wanted"and leave it at that.

Maybe try to regard your daughter as a housemate, rather than your child?
How would you address this situation with a housemate?

Sorry, JenniferEccles, but the daughter should NOT being going for a little drive to get a break!

I’m same mind as you Aepgirl. I too am on my own, coming up to my 9th week and crave the company of another human being. I know there are lots of people out there going through stress locked down with people 24/7 and it must be very difficult at times but being on your own 24/7 is very stressful too. Us humans aren’t meant to be in isolation but needs must.

Being a teacher she is lucky not to have to go to work since the beginning of the lockdown. Every teacher I know has to do at least some days at school.

My daughter lives with us and she has been a tower of strength to us. Our other daughters are grateful to her for making sure we keep safe. It was hard for my husband at first but all is calm now. My family feel secure in the knowledge that we are in good hands. She says (daughter) that it is her turn to look after us, and bless her, she's doing an amazing job.

Also it’s akin to ten years ago. Same bedroom I honestly if I was going to stay here after this as I aren’t I’m hoping to sell up I’d padlock the room up it reminds me of awful silences and moody door slams, years ago and it’s back to that again

Yeah same boat here. Daughter in house share and here until travel lifted. I should of set I wouldn’t say rules it sounds too harsh but MY home not yours, sounds awful but having left home four and a half years ago I’m so depressed now. I’m having to go out on bike, do garden, sit in kitchen which is a galley one and feel so down. Can’t wait for restrictions to be lifted. I let her know how I was feeling and the fall out was horrendous. NEVER will I do this again. Sorry for caps but I need to vent. X

What an unkind post, Annecan. Being nervous about going back into an environment where you are at higher risk of catching Covid-19 is quite a normal reaction. Taking it out on the people who are closest to you is not to be admired but very common too.
LynG6, your daughter is sounds like she is suffering from anxiety along with many people these days and she needs to get a handle on it but may need your help to do so. Teaching is a highly stressful job at the best of times and I expect that she knows that it is likely to be a devil's own job to get things back on track which will take a lot of hard work even without the worries of distancing. Although I understand all the arguments for telling your daughter that it is your house so your rules, I'm not sure that is terribly helpful at the moment and it is also her home. My advice would be to calmly ask your daughter not to speak to you in that way when she is being rude or moody, ignore her spraying the anti-bac and her comments about what you have bought. If you escalate things it will just mean that you have to live in an even more unpleasant atmosphere which would probably be even worse. Once this is over, you can make decisions about whether her time at home has reached the end.

Completely empathise! We had our 39 year-old daughter with us for 4 weeks (2 weeks pre LD, 2 weeks during). Adult children who haven’t lived at home for 20+ years seem to revert to stroppy teenagers in this situation. Our daughter had been off work with stress initially and came to live on our smallholding. Her doctor deemed her fit to return to work after 4 weeks and she herself decided that would be the right thing to do. She then proceeded to behave like a child for a day - not speaking, refusing the (vegetarian) meals specially prepared for her, laughing uproariously all evening with friends on a house party app - before apologising the following morning & not really wanting to go home. The month had already been really trying for us (walking on eggshells, accommodating smoking, vegetarianism & a ‘medicinal’ weed habit) and so I calmly said that I thought the time had come for her to re-engage with her own life and work, rather than the artificial existence here with two 60+ year-olds. My husband drove her home (a 5 hour round trip) during which she didn’t speak to him & she subsequently refused to respond to texts and calls for 3 weeks. We were worried about her, but knew she was fine as she remained in contact with her younger, married sister. She finally resumed telephone contact this weekend & I guess we’ll have to dissect the whole situation over the coming weeks. She does seem to have (at last) taken responsibility for herself, which is gratifying, but has been a difficult period. So, in summary, I do think you have to address your situation as diplomatically as possible: it’s your home after all! However, do be prepared to find that it won’t be heard graciously and there may be some unpleasant fall-out before the parent-child balance is recalibrated. And, before I get it in the neck from Gransnet terms, I’m not saying we handled the situation perfectly but some self-preservation & sanity has to come into play at some point. Good luck!

My adult children all have their own homes so I’m not dealing with these problems. I do however have several family members and friends who are suffering with varying degrees of anxiety at this time. Meditation apps such as headspace may be helpful. Also exercise and fresh air. I speak regularly to 2 friends whose attitudes are verging on the hysterical at times. One of them had refused a distanced chat in my front garden because I went abroad in February and she doesn’t know if I’m free of the virus!
It’s hard but I think that treating the anxiety is the way forward here. One friend has telephone counselling which helps her a great deal.

She is obviously more anxious than you about the virus and that is understandable.
I’ve asked my mum not to make a coffee for her gardener and if it was me I’d bring a flask anyway. I think she was right about that.
Cut her some slack and try talking it through without being defensive. If you are not being careful with post and shopping by cleaning and disinfecting before you use that’s not following advice so she probably thinks you aren’t taking it seriously. It is best to be cautious at this time.