Gransnet forums


Cabin fever with adult children

(59 Posts)
LynG6 Tue 05-May-20 11:13:13

Morning all, so glad I found this group, this is my first post! Anyone else climbing the walls having their adult children at home 24/7 during this pandemic? I was widowed in 2013 so it’s just me and my daughter who is living here while she saves for a deposit. Most of the time we get on great but this lockdown is proving to be difficult. She is extremely anxious about schools reopening (she’s a teacher) and I’m getting the backlash, moods and tears. My sympathy is wearing thin!
I’m constantly judged, when the postie brings a parcel ‘what have you ordered now?’, I can’t put anything down without her getting the anti bac spray my home is filthy...not! And heaven forbid, yesterday our lovely gardener came and I offered to leave her a coffee on the did I get told in no uncertain terms! Anyone else going through this or can relate?

Calendargirl Tue 05-May-20 11:19:49

Perhaps you need to sit down and have a good chat. Point out you are glad to have her with you, and happy to be able to help her save for a deposit by doing this, but it is your house, and as long as you are following the guidelines, she needs to remember that.
Sounds like she is overwhelmed by the thought of having to go back to work, and you are bearing the brunt of it.

Has she lived with you constantly since you were widowed? And how old is she?

Probably after all this, she will be ready for her own space, as will you.

eazybee Tue 05-May-20 13:05:23

She is a teacher; she should have some control over her emotions.
Time for a few pithy words about whose house it is; your house, your rules.

sodapop Tue 05-May-20 13:08:23

I think this must be a common problem everywhere LynG6, people are anxious and have varying levels of tolerance. Perhaps as Calendargirl said you should sit down and have a chat. You need to acknowledge her health anxiety and your daughter needs to recognise she is over reacting a little.
Welcome to Gransnet by the way.

JenniferEccles Tue 05-May-20 13:12:16

Does she go out at all for a walk or a little drive somewhere to give you both a break from each other?

It must be a consolation to you to feel thankful that you are living here and not in some European countries where folk weren’t allowed out for weeks on end until recently!

GabriellaG54 Tue 05-May-20 13:47:59

I'd tell her to put up or shut up.
She's lucky that you're giving her the opportunity to live and save with you.
Does she make any contribution to your mortgage or Council Tax? Food? Cleaning items?
What d'you think she'd say if you were acting like that in her home...if she had one.
Tell her what's what and to MHOB in your home. She's an adult so no need to pussyfoot around her. She'll get far worse from schoolchildren.

Kalu Tue 05-May-20 14:09:49

Time to tell her enough is enough and to quote Mumsnet, your house your rules.

She is a lucky girl, sharing your home with you while she saves. I do understand you would rather avoid arguments or fall outs but for your own mental health and the fact that you should be able to relax in your own home, a chat is needed telling your daughter her input to whatever you decide to do with your days is up to you and if she has a problem with any of that, keep it to herself, you don’t want to hear it.

It’s a difficult time for everyone Lyn but the last thing any of us need is anyone thinking they are in a position to control our lives. An absolute no, no. Good luck. .

SalsaQueen Tue 05-May-20 14:41:05

My eldest son (38) moved back in with us (husband and me) in December. He's working from home, taking emergency calls from Eon customers. Husband has been furloughed - he's been off 8 weeks now- so they are both here, in my domain and I'm looking forward to having time alone again grin

Daisymae Tue 05-May-20 15:06:53

Well I would be reminding her just whose house it is. As for viruse spraying, just tell her to stop. Everyone is in the same boat with regard to returning to work. Some teachers have never stopped. She really needs to act as an adult rather than reverting to childish behaviour. Stand up to her, it won't be easy but life would be more tolerable for both of you with some new ground rules. This may not be the only lockdown we experience.

Jomarie Tue 05-May-20 15:17:12

SalsaQueen - I feel your pain !! Have adult son (39) temporarily living with us (2 weeks turned into 2 years - don't ask) he's working from his bedroom and OH (75) missing his bowls and other activities. Tensions can be very fraught at times - sometimes (most of the time actually) I feel like the proverbial ping pong ball - aah well this too shall pass grin

Washerwoman Tue 05-May-20 18:57:29

Oh dear.She seems extremely anxious but also taking it out on you in the extreme.Have none of the staff in her school been in at all?Our DD has been in on a rota with all but the staff with shielded relatives taking their turn to supervise key workers children.Maybe that's helped keep a sense of perspective,not being away too long,and the reality is as a younger person the chances of serious illness are in reality still highly unlikely.How does she normally cope with work stress and life in general.Good luck talking to her.

Emilymaria Wed 06-May-20 09:44:22

LynG6 All sympathy. Your house, your rules. You sound as though you’re behaving perfectly reasonably under the lockdown and giving her plenty of support. BTW, as a teacher, your daughter should know that anti-bacterial spray doesn’t work against a virus.

Phloembundle Wed 06-May-20 09:47:39

Up until now I wouldn't have counted myself lucky to have a reclusive son, but nothing has changed much in his life. When not at work, he is holed up in his room quite happily.

polnan Wed 06-May-20 09:52:17

cabin fever with someone living with you

cabin fever and worse being alone,, in the real sense of the word...
just pondering... strange aren`t we?

FarNorth Wed 06-May-20 09:54:00

"Your house, your rules" doesn't work so well when someone is terrified.
They have trouble adapting then.

You need a chat with your DD about her concerns re work and re your home.
Work out how things can be done to reduce her anxiety e.g. no offer of coffee to anyone, a system for dealing with post etc.

If she can become happier, due to some adjustments being made, won't that be worth it?

(Maybe she is worried for your health, btw, as well as her own.)

Moggycuddler Wed 06-May-20 09:58:15

My daughter, aged 35, has always lived at home with her dad and me. She works for a law firm but she's currently working from home. Luckily she is no trouble and we all get on very well. When she isn't working (in her room) she's usually gaming or on her smartphone these covid days. We all watch Netflix together in the evenings.

Dillyduck Wed 06-May-20 09:58:42

YOUR home YOUR rules. It is none of her business what you do with your life, you are NOT one of her school children, in fact she really does need to grow up a bit herself. I don't suppose she is paying much towards the home either, if she is "saving for a deposit". It's time for you to pull rank. She is presumably still being paid? Then either she keeps her thoughts to herself or she moves out and rents somewhere. Her behaviour is not acceptable. Even if you had an afternoon of passionate sex with the gardener, it's NONE OF HER BUSINESS!!! My eldest son lives with me after he split up with his partner, I'm widowed too, so he looks after my half acre garden and the house DIY jobs etc. and in return I feed him and look after the house. He gives me £120 housekeeping.

Missiseff Wed 06-May-20 10:00:30

She's obviously stressed and taking it out on you, because she can x
Deep breaths x

Harris27 Wed 06-May-20 10:03:16

I think we’re all suffering it’s the not the norm at the moment make allowances and have a quiet word with her it can only help,

NotSpaghetti Wed 06-May-20 10:07:18

Can you work with her and say, "I have some parcels coming shall I call you so you can spray them for me?"

Maybe she is wanting to protect you.

My daughter in law is a teacher and dreading going back. A friend is on a rota of teachers going in to support children still at school and is not impressed with how things are working. Some staff members are not respecting space and she is afraid when it open up again it will cause a new wave.

Your daughter is obviously super anxious but it will end eventually.
Be kind to yourself if you can. So hard.
Thinking of you.

NotSpaghetti Wed 06-May-20 10:09:29

Forgot to say "welcome" LynG6 it's a tough time for many right now.

Hawera1 Wed 06-May-20 10:20:54

My son although not living with us is so pc when it comes to the rules. Way over the top but I.found out it was me he was trying to protect. I couldn't live with my children anymore. With the number of deaths you have had she has a right to be scared.

Coconut Wed 06-May-20 10:38:14

Yes, family meeting time, stay calm but let her know exactly how she is making you feel .... good luck

VioletSky2059 Wed 06-May-20 10:39:05

Teaching is hard enough without current circumstance and the added element of the unknown. Is there support she can get for her anxieties via her professional body? GP might have advice too and be able to give links to some useful support.

Riggie Wed 06-May-20 10:42:56

Salsa its similar here. DH is wfh and our son who is a young adult with SN lives with us anyway. Hes off college. I love them both dearly but am missing having time to myself!!