Thinking of what you should have said way too late.

My mother was taken to hospital after a serious stroke in 1993 after which she was totally incapacitated. We needed to find her a nursing home but had no money. Every day the social worker turned up hassling us about the "blocked bed" and actually said "what if your father came in here with a heart attack and needed that bed". I told her my father had passed away 9 years previously. If only I could have thought up enough clever, biting retorts to get rid of her, but of course my mind went blank at the time and we were also shocked by what had happened to my mother. Thankfully a wonderful lady in the DSS agreed to pay the fees until the Court of Protection could release the cash, and my mother was only in hospital for 6 weeks in the end.

My sister came up with a corker. We were going to look at a house and were early so popped into the pub next door. My sister ordered a diet coke, and one of two guys at the bar looked her up and down and said," Bit late for that love". Unfortunately for him he was rather bald. Quick as a flash my sister said, " And what's yours then, hair restorer"? He didn"t say another word.

Some great retorts

Oh, yes, I too have thought of the perfect retort too late on many occasions. But I was once in time with one.

I was cycling on a bike track on a main city street in Copenhagen when I approached a bus stop where people were waiting to get on the bus, which was just drawing up. At that time, you had to stop for passengers crossing the bike track.

So I did, and a young man went straight on, on his bike and called rudely, "What are you stopping there for, auntie?"

I came back smartly with, "I'm not your auntie. If I were, you would know the Road Traffic Act!" The bus queue dissolved in laughter.

(Calling someone "auntie" in that context is as rude in Danish as using "Grandma" similarly is in English.)

A friend of mine who slipped on a pavement and measured her length was asked by a passer-by, "Did you fall, hen?"
"No," replied my friend, "I lay down to take a rest."

Not really a quick retort but the checkout story reminded me of a time when I worked in an academic environment that was very 'them and us'. 2 female academic colleagues (UK teachers of German) were in the mail room talking disparagingly about the abilities of someone in the admin office while collecting their post. I had come to sort the post so they gave me 'a look' and then continued in German. I finished sorting the mail and then as I left said, 'Just to let you know that every member of admin staff in this office has a degree - mine is in German'. I can't say I'm very proud of that actually, but given the working atmosphere there it was appropriate. I soon left that job!

While giving birth to daughter number one, very snotty doctor said “You’re going to have to learn to relax dear”. I said “if someone had your balls in a vice, would you be able to relax”. I don’t know what came over me, I suppose I was in so much pain, I didn’t give a toss.

I've only ever managed one well-time response. A chap well into middle age was cycling on the pavement and it was quite crowded with pedestrians. He slowed next to me and I said, "Doesn't mummy let you ride on the road yet?" He looked a bit blank for a second but I think he got it.

My bookmark says” I always think of the right thing to say after the time to say it has passed “

I had one glorious moment when I had the right phrase at the right time!

My boss at the time, who had a large, overhanging stomach, was always "adjusting" himself "down below" and I pulled a face. He said "Take no notice, I've got itchy b**l l*cks"

I told him that the contents of his underpants were of no interest to me.

He replied "Well, I'll have you know they are very well filled!"

I looked at him over the top of my glasses and said "Really? I always understood that nothing grew in the shade!"

I can’t think of a belated response off hand but I can think of one I did manage 40 years ago and which still makes me laugh even now. It was Xmas day and I decided I couldn’t cook lunch in my FIL kitchen so I made a complete Xmas dinner and put it , DH and baby in car and shot off down Earls Court road London. I was going like the clappers when a policeman stopped me. He said so young lady any ideas why I stopped you ? Quick as a flash I said ‘so I could wish you a very merry Xmas?’ He roared and said ok ok I’ll let you go this once. I said ‘thank you so much I never usually speed it’s just I’ve got an old mans xmas dinner in the boot!’ The awful thing was a week later in central London I put my foot down to speed through traffic lights and guess what ? There he was waiting at the red light ! Talk about coincidence !

Please tell me what others would do .........I have been married for 33yrs, 6years ago my husband started playing war games on his phone. I really wasn’t bothered but then found out he had been sextexing a female of 18yrs old in Australia. As you can imagine there was an almighty row After asking him what his game was , after a lot of Rows he said he would delete the game I believed him, he lied. He kept playing in secret ... I found out again And another row he did delete the game then. But stared another “Clash of Clans” I was not haPpy but thought he won’t do it again . But after 4yrs he deleted that one and stared playing X Days Hearts of Hero’s .... he never said I never new until his phone made a funny sound and picked it up to take it to him and then saw this game. I asked why he had changed from one to the other only to be told it has F all to do with you . And mind your own F in business ,& I don’t have to tell you what I’m playing and I will if I want... fine yes after all he is 64 now. I was so hurt as he is texting yet again to females because he is leader in this game. To be fair I don’t trust him and I have told him this but it makes no difference he says he is NOT going to stop or give up the game. ....... More rows so in the end I said to him right this unfair (as he is spending money as well to get to where he wants to be in this game) I told him I don’t trust him and that he lies through his eye teeth about it, we might as well call it a day . To which he has said yea! sell the house get divorced because “HE WILL NOT”give up this game .and he is not going to live his life like this .. we have not talked for 5weeks now . So that’s what is going to happen ! I’m so heart Broken What do I do after all these years . please advise if you can am I doing the right thing I’m scared stiff ...... And no he will not talk about it I’ve tried . He is hell bent on doing this now so really our marriage does not account for anything it’s just a sham .... so sad .... sorry it’s so long ...

Harv1

I feel for you, but perhaps this is not the right thread for your post.

May I suggest you try either the Relationships thread or *Ask a Gran*Thank

Every good wish.

Harv1 But before you go, read what you wrote as if you were one of us reading it and you will see the answer for yourself.

I used to look after children with Downes syndrome. At a park, several teens laughed at them. After a quick word together, all six looked at teenagers and laughed at them. Job done!

A server in a shop was being really rude with attitude. Nothing she said but it was obvious from her pained sighs we were little more than a nuisance. I was getting more and more wound up till eventually from nowhere I said while smiling .... ""Are you being rude on purposes or Are you having a particularly bad day. If you are not happy serving me please get your manager to come do it. ""
Her attitude changed immediately.
And I spent the rest of the day upset at having said that. I felt I was as bad as her and then worried that she maybe had some great burden.

Always. I usually don't know what to reply to a remark or I blurt out something which I then realise could offend! But yes I wish I could think of the witty replies I think of afterwards!

Once, and only once have I come out with an appropriate retort. A man was being extremely rude to me so I ended the conversation with this corker - ‘May you be infested with the fleas of a thousand camels!’ And stomped off down the lane. Been watching too many carry on films, I guess, but I must admit I felt pretty pleased with myself afterwards

Leah50 - that reminded me of a quip I often use in supermarkets. When you’ve been in the queue, reach the check out and the check out operator says ‘Sorry about the wait’. I say ‘So am I, I’d love to be a size 12’.

My SIL was a great one for inappropriate utterances. she went into the bank one day and thought the girl serving her looked a bit glum so she burst into song to cheer her up . The poor girl looked at her and said " My granny just died ."

Back in the 1990s I was working in Windsor and had to find a different route to work as there were some hefty roadworks going on. I discovered a long but rather nice way round and although it took ages, I did keep moving rather than get stuck in traffic jams. Part of the journey took me across a common where cattle were grazed and they were allowed to roam freely so if they decided to meander down the road, you had to wait for them.

This happened one morning and I was a good three-quarters of an hour late. Our HR Director, a bit of a jobsworth, pointedly looked at his watch and remarked on the lateness of my arrival. I smiled sweetly at him and said "Bullocks, Richard" , his face was a picture until I added "....right across Dorney Common".

Well Ladies, Thanks so much for this thread. I no longer live in the UK and I really miss the British sense of humour. I am laughing so much and have tears streaming down my face.

I'm quite good at this - and tend to be very rude - which does not bother me a jot.

One that comes to mind happened a few years ago when my (extraordinarily beautiful) Bulldog bitch, Daisy, was tied up outside the butchers. A mother and brat walked past and then the mother stopped, pointed at Daisy and said (very loudly) "Gawd! That dogs' ugly!".

I walked over, untied Daisy's lead and in an equally loud voice said "Have you had a good look at your kid lately?".

The shop erupted in laughter and the stupid woman - and her ugly, snot-nosed brat, flew up the road....

My plumber looked at the colour I’d just painted my fireplace surround and said,”What’s that, the undercoat?” I retorted, “Do you think your aesthetic sensibilities are more developed than mine?” He looked puzzled and loped off. Later he criticised my choice of tiles. “ Right,” I said,”I know where you live, I’ll be round later to take a look at your bathroom tiles.” He looked really worried, and said, “We haven’t really done much to our house yet.” Apart from his cheek he was such an inept worker I never employed him again.

My mum always used to say " Its not what you say, it's the way you say it "

When I was growing up I never absorbed the full impact, zoom forward a few years and WOW !!
My mums words now leave my mouth at any opportune moment... as they saying goes.... I now open my mouth and my mum comes out.

Haaa

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