Thinking of what you should have said way too late.

Oh, yes, I too have thought of the perfect retort too late on many occasions. But I was once in time with one.

I was cycling on a bike track on a main city street in Copenhagen when I approached a bus stop where people were waiting to get on the bus, which was just drawing up. At that time, you had to stop for passengers crossing the bike track.

So I did, and a young man went straight on, on his bike and called rudely, "What are you stopping there for, auntie?"

I came back smartly with, "I'm not your auntie. If I were, you would know the Road Traffic Act!" The bus queue dissolved in laughter.

(Calling someone "auntie" in that context is as rude in Danish as using "Grandma" similarly is in English.)

A friend of mine who slipped on a pavement and measured her length was asked by a passer-by, "Did you fall, hen?"
"No," replied my friend, "I lay down to take a rest."

Some great retorts

My sister came up with a corker. We were going to look at a house and were early so popped into the pub next door. My sister ordered a diet coke, and one of two guys at the bar looked her up and down and said," Bit late for that love". Unfortunately for him he was rather bald. Quick as a flash my sister said, " And what's yours then, hair restorer"? He didn"t say another word.

My mother was taken to hospital after a serious stroke in 1993 after which she was totally incapacitated. We needed to find her a nursing home but had no money. Every day the social worker turned up hassling us about the "blocked bed" and actually said "what if your father came in here with a heart attack and needed that bed". I told her my father had passed away 9 years previously. If only I could have thought up enough clever, biting retorts to get rid of her, but of course my mind went blank at the time and we were also shocked by what had happened to my mother. Thankfully a wonderful lady in the DSS agreed to pay the fees until the Court of Protection could release the cash, and my mother was only in hospital for 6 weeks in the end.

I was in a discount warehouse quite a while ago, where they used to leave a trolley at th the bottom of the escalator with bargain goods in them. And one day I saw a trolley there and started to rummage through it. When a lady rushed up glaring at me and asked what I was doing going through her trolley. Without thinking I said I'm sorry I thought this was the cheap trolley. My daughter then about 10, ran and hid with embarrassment. I smile now when I think about it.

My mother was an absolute ace at this sort of thing. One I remember is when a young lad was shouting and swearing (f word) in the street. She called to me "Come over here, love, and listen. This little boy has just learned a new word" And then she stood and clapped him. He went puce. She didn't smile.

Your retort would have been perfect for the teenage thugs. Or "Oh dear. Have you children lost your mummies?" In my experience at that age they do hate anything like that. Although to be honest I think the answer your interviewers would have been happiest with would have been that you would ignore them and move yourself and the children away if possible. And yes, call the police if things got worse.

A supermarket checkout operator friend said to our little queue 'Last shift before I go on holiday, 'where are you going dear, Benidorm?' sneered the man in front of me. 'Patagonia actually,' she replied smiling, 'I've been round the world twice.' I've never forgotten the look on his face.

I am rarely quick with a come back but I recall one time when I managed to leave the office "joker" speechless. I was talking to a client when this colleague joined us, I happened to be bearing a red dress and he said did I know that red was a sexually aggressive colour. I slowly looked him up and down and said "I think you are safe". The client almost choked trying not to laugh.

Quizzer I love that, put him back in his box properly.

So many times!
However once I came up with a quick response I was so proud of.
I was in the supermarket when I met an acquaintance who was the world's worst male chauvinist. We were both comparing the prices of washing liquids, different offers, different sizes etc. He condescendingly said "You would need a maths degree so work out the best buy "
" Probably" I replied, fluttering my eyelashes," luckily I have one".
Funny, he hasn't tried to put me down since.

Calendargirl I know exactly what you mean. I’m still think “what possessed me to say that” since an encounter with a farmer on my daily country walk last week.

I had been fascinated to see, in a field of sheep, a black ewe with twin lambs. One black and the other white.

I took the chance to ask the farmer across the hedge. He said the ewe must have been served twice in the same day by 2 different rams.

I quipped “ lucky old girl!

I’m still cringing now thinking about it

Daughter in buggy, we were in a mall cafe sharing a table with a young man. He spilt his coffee down his front. Quick as a flash my mouth said "would you like a spare bib?" My brain said OMG. Then mouth and brain working together "I keep it for my husband"
25 years ago and I still cringe/laugh.

dang, did the grin wrong

I have off and on days. Some days I am on form and can think on my feet so quickly, then, other days not a clue and too slow, then dwell on it.

I work with a guy who is a bit of a jackass and a pretty woman was in the office one day and after she left he rushed in asking who was that!? - I said, that's outta your league, he started swearing at me and I just said - so you kiss your blow up doll with that mouth. He didn't speak to me for a couple of days. My boss was there and he almost pissed himself laughing.
Good times (grin)

I spent a lot of time in Germany and the Germans say "The clever one gives in" and I always think of this when I feel I should have come up with a quick retort.

I tend to respond immediately and automatically, perhaps not always wisely!

I’m the same, I always come up with something smart/cheeky/sarcastic/very clever, AFTER the incident. I think that people like me who are maybe a bit soft/nice/descent are so shocked that someone would say something rude or blunt, that we’re taken aback. We are so shocked by what has been said that we’re not capable of a retort until the shock has worn off a bit and we’ve had time to think about it.

Lizzies, I'm obviously not the only one to dwell on situations that happened scores of years ago!

I think the current parlance is 'let it go'... but 'they' seem to have nowhere to go to!

Luckily i am very quick witted.
A good friend of mine has said so many times how she wished i had been with her when someone said something untoward.
I think i am that way because i was bought up in pubs/clubs where my parents worked.

And I’m sure we have all said certain things, thinking it sounded witty, clever, funny at the time, then lain awake squirming at the recollection, thinking what in heaven’s name possessed me to say that?

oh yes, sure every human being does this at some time or other
and yes, I mull over things during the night

apparently it is described as "monkey brain" so I am practising mindfulness and meditation, said to help

I can't count the number of times I have the perfect quip too late.
Some people seem to have it inbuilt and I envy them.

My mother was in hospital quite ill . She had had a chest infection and had been on antibiotics and while we were visiting she kept having to ask for a bedpan . Eventually the nurse smiled at me and said " she thinks she has cystitis "
How I wish I had said at the time that she probably did as she always got this after a course of antibiotics. The nurse regarded her as a muddled old lady while I knew , apart from her deafness , she was compleyely lucid. I have never forgotten this .

Oh we ALL do this I am sure!

We get home seething at a comment made possibly only a few minutes ago, and lo and behold, a suitable cutting reply comes to us!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the perfectly phrased response came to us instantly, but our brains don’t work like that, especially if we have been stunned at what was said or what happened.