Je regrette a lot

I find myself doing the same Factfinder, I think it's because we have more time on our hands to analyse our life, maybe over-analyse. We cant go back and change anything but we can ensure we learn from the mistakes we made.

I know the theory about loving yourself and ‘ not sweating the small stuff” it’s the last thing I should be doing when I am heading towards ‘ old age.
But, and it is a big but, I was born anxious, and rotten parenting has left scars.
There is very little wrong with my life. I have great children, a amazing husband, plenty of money and yet anxiety gnaws and gnaws away. Sometimes I feel like two people. The rational one who says ‘ you are as good as anyone else. Then there is the other one..
Don’t we all feel guilty about something ?

Factfinder I can identify with you. Never mind all the mistakes I made with my children ages ago (some of which I've apologised for) each night when I go to bed I think back over the day and there's always something I feel bad about.
As someone said, confession should release us from guilt. But this also entails trying to do better.
I talk to my husband about it and he can't understand why I care so much.
Did you live through WW2? As I did.

I think living in isolation in lockdown has led many of us to look back through our lives and find things to regret. And only a saint could look back and find nothing to regret! I have this mantra written on a pebble and keep it somewhere where I will notice it each day. I look in the mirror and recite it so I can forgive myself, or I can recite it while picturing someone who has hurt me. It does seem to have a healing effect.

Of course you want to be free of all these thoughts that plague you Factfinder, and sometimes as we age they come more to the forefront of our minds.
grandtanteJE65 has the answer when suggesting going to confession. Only God can forgive our sins but I realize so many people do not believe this and will suggest many other alternatives.

We all do/have done things which we feel we shouldn't have done but I cannot tell you how great it is to have the burden of guilt/wrongdoing removed, uplifting our spirit.

A monumental event is on the horizon of the world's history relating to the ' illumination of conscience' which everyone will experience. I have known this will come about for a long time and if you wish to learn more see....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzz1Plypj3k

If you don't want to watch this, I would recommend you looking up the story of Marino Restrepo who I personally met some years back. His story is amazing.

I love that phrase. When I knew better I did better. I'll remember that, it's so true

Annaraml. As another poster has pointed out, you were a very small child who had no intention of harming your kitten so please forgive yourself for your actions. Seeing it drowned in front of you must have been horrific. You have done all you can to help animals since so please forgive yourself xx

You can't change the past, what's done is done. There is no point dwelling on things.

Apologise where you can, don't repeat past mistakes and go forward.

MissTree thank you for posting that. Reading 'When I knew better, I did better' made me feel lighter. Like the OP, I dwell on my wrongs, which are many, and can crucify myself wishing I could change thoughtless, unkind behaviour and say how sorry I am to those I must have hurt. The small hours are the worst; sometimes I have to tell myself that at least I suffer now thinking about it, as a kind of penance, and haven't carried on with silly or unkind behaviour because now I know how wrong it is, but oh how I wish I could change some things I have done and said in my silly impetuous youth.

janeainsworth

Factfinder I read this article a long time ago - I hope you find it interesting and maybe helpful.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201402/bargaining-your-past-creates-regret-in-the-present%3famp

“If you find yourself in the cycle of regret, replaying a scene in your head and sculpting a different outcome, try to acknowledge that there are reasons you did what you did at the time. Understand that your past self didn’t have the wealth of knowledge or perspective your current self does. Putting your past in context and acknowledging that there were more forces at play than you may have considered at the time can help you feel more accepting of the person you are now.”

Very wise words it seems to me.You are not alone in those thoughts Factfinder I think being older makes us ‘think back’ a lot, which is why some seem to talk about the past more than they do the present.
The very fact that we know we would have done things differently and regret our words and actions is in itself a good thing, but not if we dwell or brood on it constantly.
Forgive your younger self and look forwards now, not backwards.

Some excellent ideas from everybody; this is what I've found worked for many of my worries including one the same as yours. My feelings come from childhood too.

I visualise the worry as a little child feeling that it is protecting me by reminding me constantly (keeping pulling at my hand, wanting attention etc.). I bend down to its level and take it on my lap and hug it, accepting it as it is and loving it.

So I'm not resisting or fighting the thoughts that haunt me (which I find makes the thoughts even more damaging); I'm simply accepting that they are there in the form of the child, who only wants to be noticed.

This may all sound ridiculous, but it does work very well for me, so I wanted to tell you about it.

I can so identify with this. Great shame comes over me when I think of some of my selfish actions. But I have done a Freud on myself as it were and realise it all came about through my childhood. I’m sure a stable upbringing would have made a difference. Try to look on yourself as a child and be kind to that child. When a hateful memory arises, I try to compartmentalise it, put it in a box in my brain and close the door. As others have said, if you have any religious feeling, and you don’t need a lot, pray and forgive yourself. We are only human.
I also agree with reading a good book! In the middle of a serious family worry I was telling my brother about my book. ‘How can you concentrate on that!” He said. But it’s always been a life saver, words of wisdom and to climb into someone else’s mind which corresponds to your own and read of similar experiences.
I won’t feel subject to this when life is more ‘normal’ and I’m out and about with others I’m sure.

It's a rare person who hasn't said or done things without regret and sometimes I dwell on them too. During these strange lockdown times as our lives have changed so much I think that those of us who are not on the front line have more time to look back. Please don't beat yourself up about it.
I believe a famous quote goes along the lines of, "a man who never made a mistake never made anything" which helps a little.

Factfinder I read this article a long time ago - I hope you find it interesting and maybe helpful.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201402/bargaining-your-past-creates-regret-in-the-present%3famp

“If you find yourself in the cycle of regret, replaying a scene in your head and sculpting a different outcome, try to acknowledge that there are reasons you did what you did at the time. Understand that your past self didn’t have the wealth of knowledge or perspective your current self does. Putting your past in context and acknowledging that there were more forces at play than you may have considered at the time can help you feel more accepting of the person you are now.”

Apologise - that always works and very few people do it. It would seem that saying 'I'm sorry" is difficult for people to say. Even if it is a long time ago you can still say it because I expect, all the people who you though you hadn't been nice to, haven't forgotten. If they are no longer with us then find a private, quiet place and perhaps a little 'out loud' apology to them.

My Aunt used to say Hell is looking back on your life and remembering the things you did wrong and cant put right. At the time I dismissed it as old lady speaking, but now I'm an old lady I know how true her words are.

Another vote for CBT here. The only people who don't have regrets are sociopaths (I can think of one who is the so-called leader of the free world). For the rest of us, we make mistakes and we learn from them, but we must try not to get caught up in ruminant cycles of regret. You can't change the past, the future is not yet here, now is the only time you can influence. Get help before you are too low.

Annaraml - you were a very small child with a child's mind. .So dreadful for you. Please try and forgive yourself. You didn't mean to hurt your kitten. You have helped lots of animals in atonement. It is over.

It’s a female thing too.
We’re so hard on ourselves & strive for perfection in everything.
If things go wrong we take on all the responsibility & blame.
Nothing happens in total isolation.
What ever you did wrong was due to a whole host of factors ( many of which were probably out of your control )
Yes, I’m sure you could have done things differently - handled things better - ( who couldn’t! ) but no one is perfect, & the fact that you now feel so much guilt proves you are a nice decent person.
Look forward now op, you have plenty of time to make fantastic new memories & to enjoy life - a life rich with experience.

Sounds as if it is time to go to confession.

We have all done things we are ashamed of looking back, but you really must not let them ruin your life.

If you are not a believer, so confession doesn't appeal to you, do try to get professional help. There is no point in feeling so sad and guilty about these very human mistakes.

My mum is exactly the same at age 89. This tends to happen when there is nothing going on in one's life and not much to look forward to. It is a waste of time. Read a good book.

So many in the same boat and so much good advice Thank you all.
This seems to be something that gets worse with age and lockdown has not helped (so much time to think). In addition to re-running bad behaviour from 50 years ago, I also think far too much about ‘near misses’ with the children (e.g. when one of the nearly got run over), things I sailed through at the time but find difficult to forget now. These are things that were not even my fault. It’s a sort of retrospective anxiety, such a waste of time and energy but tough to deal with.

Like Bathsheba, I believe this method could help you. Good luck.

When I was 4 years old I was playing with my new little kitten and pretended it had been naughty and threw it against a wall. Apparently its neck was broken. A family friend drowned it in a glass jug in front of me. The vision of that still haunts me and although I was only 4 I still feel guilty about it 75 years later. I am an animal lover and have given a lot of money over the years to animal charities but it does not assuage the guilt I still feel.

not really off topic, imo

but this Black lives matter, with which I absolutely AGREE

but looking back at history, and these statues, and names of roads and buildings, Bristol being a prime suspect...

I just wish, hope, pray, that the media and everyone would think and DO SOMETHING about the present day slavery,, what is done is done, and yes, b.... awful,, and all that..

but we do NOT seem to learn! sorry we don`t... do something NOW about present day slavery?

too much to ask?