Je regrette a lot

Maybe think about the saying, “ When I knew better, I did better” . Was it Maya Angelou ? Can’t remember.
Life is about learning from our mistakes. Pity we can’t go round again.

It sounds as though you would really benefit from some CBT therapy, if you have got yourself into the mindset of feeling guilty?

We have all done things we regret, as in the confession 'we have done those things we ought not to have done, we have not done those things we ought to have done, and there is no health in us' but it isn't helpful to keep dwelling on those things. If you are a church member, your clergy will help, if not, CBT would help you to forgive yourself and not keep following the same thought processes?

Write letters to all the people you feel you may have wronged. Doesn't matter if these people are no longer on this earth, as you don't need to send the letters. Just write them, with love and care, apologising for anything you may have done to upset them. Tell them that if you could, you would turn back the clock and undo those things. Tell them you love them, and that you always loved them, even though it may not always have appeared that you did.

Read each letter through afterwards, out loud if you wish. It can be quite cathartic writing down our regret for past behaviour and apologising for it in this way. You can then destroy the letters.

Of course, if any of those you feel you have wronged are still living, and close to you, you might want to talk to them and let them know how the incidents have been haunting you.

Hi op.
Are you able to put right any of your wrongs?
I mean, can you apologise to the people you feel you’ve wronged?
Explain how much guilt you’re feeling and that you’re sorry?

You are not the same person now, so forgive the person you were for what ever happened back then.
Sometimes it helps to choose a time & a place ( perhaps a favourite place ) & think of yourself as physically letting go of the old you, acknowledge that some behaviours were not ideal & that you now realise you could or should have done things differently. I think it is fair to say so many of us wish we had done things differently on occasions.
I like this saying ‘ don’t judge yesterdays decision/choices / behaviours on today’s circumstances.. I hope it may help you too, best wishes .

You need to brain dump these feelings. Best way is to write them all down with as much soul searching as possible. Think about why you did them - there are usually answers or reasons for the way we behave.

Then I suggest you burn them all.

Can you balance those things that plague you with good deeds you have done over the years. You must have some good points. Also remember that you can ask out loud for forgiveness, and express your regret.. Be kind to yourself as I'm sure you wouldn't have done these things if you were supported and cared for.

If you are a churchgoer and a believer remember that God has forgiven you.

Most people have things they regret because we are human beings. And we tend to remember the few bad things we've done and forget all the many good nice things. Don't be too hard on yourself. You can apologise to people who are still here of course. I have done this twice. The two people I apologised to couldn't remember the thing I was apologising for, which was funny. All my years of guilt and they didn't even remember!

Think of a phrase - such as the one that MissTree mentions -and when a guilty thought comes into your brain say the phrase to yourself. I really hope that this works for you x

I'm mildly OCD and can usually keep it under control but I realised a while ago that overthinking something is another symptom, and this realisation has helped me to find a switch off mechanism. Give yourself a break and listen to something funny/interesting to take your mind off things.

I have found volunteering helps guilt. I help with refugees who have nothing so somehow when they show deep appreciation it wipes out some of the guilt I carry. I think as we grow up it’s good to give something back especially our ‘time’ and it gives us less time to ruminate. As a Christian I also believe in forgiveness and healing

You have my sympathy. Over thinking can be an aspect of anxiety. There are times when I bear the guilt of the world for no real reason but I still feel that way and I often rerun conversations that I had as far back as childhood and feel terrible guilt. I can be logical and tell myself to forget it but the guilt wheedles its way back.

I have no advice about how to deal with it but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Thank you, such helpful suggestions everyone. And it's good to know that lots of people feel like this.

Me too! I always seem to remember the things I have done wrong and some are cringeworthy. I tell myself I've learnt from them and wouldn't do them again. And I reason that I've been around for a very long time so it would be remarkable if I hadn't made mistakes now and again. Forgive yourself. They are in the past. Be kind to yourself.

There is something I did through thoughtlessness once, nothing terrible, and probably something a lot of people wouldn't fret so much over, but it was a very upsetting thing to me because of a consequence to someone I loved. It still bothers me and I think of it every single day with pangs of guilt. Whatever I tell myself, it's there.

Practice the Ho’pononono technique Forgiveness works

From what you say about your childhood, I think you might have had a parent or parents that were overly critical about any childhood misdemeanour and this has carried through your adult life. Sigmund Freud did a lot of research about childhood experiences on adults.

You do not give examples of what you actually did that could be construed as so bad to make these acts and omissions continue to haunts you. Many of us were rebellious teenagers. Some of us made bad decisions in our relationship and life choices.. We all have made some mistakes in life but there is no point punishing ourselves forever..

Counselling sessions or reading some self help books on self esteem and how to rid yourself of negative thoughts may help. It is common to become reflective as we get older but it sounds like this might be making you depressed. We can't change the past, and negative thoughts are rarely helpful. By all means apologize to those you care about if you have really wronged people. If you do write the negative thoughts down, make sure you balance this out by finding some positives in your life or actions you can take to improve your perspective that might help to find a way forward.

Do you know that you can choose NOT to be caught in this thought storm. After all if you carry on you'll be trapped in it till the end of your days and that would be horrible for you.

Reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, and also finding out about the 3 Principles
(a similar philosophy) has helped me so much in this regard. Now I understand that many of the thoughts that are continually running through all our minds are negative, repetetive, and regretful. The wonderful thing is however that we really DO have the power not to be consumed by them and to actually create space for fresh and constructive new ones. It's true, honestly!
Good luck with your search for information about this, Factfinder (!) and a happy New life to you. ?

I do that a lot. I seem to have been a good mum but constantly think of all I should of done better. I was a good daughter but just think of all the upset I've caused my parents at times. I met my husband age 15 and we're now 59. We have a happy marriage but I often think of what we could of done better when we were younger. I think of things I've done in work and friendships that are minor embarrassments. I know I'm a good person, I know I have a close family and I know I tried hard in my job .....and yet the lows in my life are now prominent in my memories

As we get older, it seems that regrets and guilts somehow get worse.

Yes CBT is excellent

I wouldn’t give it any more time or thoughts. We all make and have made mistakes in the past. Move on and live your life as it is now.

Bathsheba has the answer. Hers is an excellent suggestion ...

Factfinder: thank you for your post, it’s helped me realise I’m not alone. I’ve tried CBT in the past but it seems to have ‘worn off’ lately. Will get my book out today.