40 year old son now living with us - advice needed

Nanamar ... lots posters are sympathetic and knowledgeable about your situation. Follow their suggestions if poss.
Try not to over burden yourself with worries that really aren't important.

Dont forget to think of yourself as well. You seem to be carrying quite a load as it is!

Best of luck

I am not sure what your problem is. Do you have a theory too much sleep is bad for health or something?

I have been there so understand why you are concerned and unsure what to do. Yes, they want to sleep but we know (and our doctors advised) that getting up and getting normal sunlight hours, sleeping normal hours, getting up and doing something, is beneficial. TBH, it sounds like your son is actually doing quite well overall. He still has a part time job he does get up for, he gets up for his son. Those are all good things. He's been through a lot. It's not surprising he's depressed. What does your son want? Does he want you to get him up or tell him when it's a certain time? Does he have a team he is working with for his care who has given advice for his unique situation? If he can't sleep till 3am, look at the overall sleep hours he's getting. He is an adult but I know you want the best for him and are concerned he is doing what's best for him.

why do you think you should intervene in his sleeping pattern. i don't quite understand that. it's not as if he is doing something dangerous.
in fact, i think it is good that he is able to sleep. people with depression and other mental problems often go for long periods without being able to get enough sleep. that can be a perilous situation.
i remember hearing an american army psychiatrist saying severe lack of sleep was nearly always present in cases of extreme self-harm.
we tend to think the mental problems lead to lack of sleep, which they do. but he had studied it closely and found that lack of sleep caused a worsening of mental problems.
he said for people who are suicidal, active medical intervention to restore sleep can be key to saving a person. maybe it sounds like stating the obvious, but i think this aspect is often overlooked.
it's a complex inter-relation, as to cause and effect.
let your son sleep as much as he can. hope he feels better.

My son's 35 and has lived here for several years since finishing university and working away for a while.
He's currently working shifts plus doing associated academic work so his routine is all over the place.
Apart from me putting a dinner on a plate for him some days we operate as adults sharing a house, he does his own chores and we do ours.

I think considering he is depressed to the point of having difficulty getting out of bed he is actually getting up and doing quite a bit.
Most people who have had clinical depression will recognise the just not being not to move stages. He is functioning when he has too and that can be difficult. It can take a long time to recover from a depressive illness. Don't try to fix it. That will just feel like pressure. If you can't cope with him at home then you will have to try to find alternative accomodation for him if it can be afforded but it is an illness not naughtiness that he should be punished or judged for as some people seem to feel. No one would choose to be that ill anymore than they would choose a physical illness which it sounds like you understand.
Is there any reason that you can't leave him to sleep? At least for a few months? If you can cope with it, he needs support but only to help him with what he needs to do and probably to go to a doctor if he isn't seeing one but it can't be more than a suggestion. He is lucky to have you but you have to watch your own health too.
It must be hard having two people with serious illnesses at home at the same time at a time when there is so much tension around anyway.

Please step back.

Your son is 40. 40 years old.
He is old enough to look treatment for his clinical depression, learn how to coparent with his wife, etc.

Let your son and his ex wife decide what is good for their son.

Covid is still a huge problem. Your husband's condition makes him more vulnerable to the virus.
Separate households again. Your son shouldn't be living with you

FGS, DO NOT become your son's alarm clock. Treat him like the adult he is, not a rebel teenager.
What's next? You clean his room? Cook his meals?
Enabling is a very real problem and you are almost there.

Thank you, especially ladymuck - very succinct and good way to express it!

Oh, don't remind me ......?

I think all mothers have difficulty accepting that their child has become an adult. Your son has returned to living with you but he has not returned to being a child. He's an adult...let him decide when he wishes to get out of bed.

I've had adult children living at home and did not get them up on days they have no work or childcare. It's obviously difficult with you with your husband's illness as well. Take care.