Feeling very hurt at not being invited to party

Such sad stories of loneliness on here. I wish I could help. Wouldn't it be great if, as a group of gransnetters we could do some think further to support members of our group who feel unsupported or lonely.

Similar thing happened to me group used to all meet up for a meal then I saw pics on Facebook they had gone without me later gave me a feeble excuse i just had to admit to myself I wasn't wanted

We are a couple with a disabled - now adult- son. Even with the wider family its pretty obvious that we are always last to be invited and that if we accept they're always surprised, and more surprosed when we turn up!

Well done you!

SheilsM
Lots of helpful advice here. I just wanted to add that my husband lives in France and we haven’t seen each other for nearly six months. However, it is possible to travel there now - I’ve booked a ferry crossing for 14th July. Can’t wait!!

It takes about 20 years to be 'accepted' into a village in our experience.In our last village where we lived for 22 years. had our family and started up our building business, it was only other incomers that employed us or the rich or middle classes.
The old time villagers always employed one of their own,We joined in with most village activities, joined committees and we have happy memories of our time there. When we put our house on the market , on two occasions, two different villagers expressed their sadness that we were leaving and said the place would not be the same without us. That was 22 yeears after moving in. We have lived in our present village for about 26 years. Only now are we beginning to feel accepted, although people have always been very polite and we have been invited to lovely parties by other incomers. Part of this could be that now we are quite private people. Our house is not visible from the road and we have big wooden gates that we (until the lockdown and the need for so many deliveries) keep locked so we feel as if we are in our own little world. So it is not you, if you spend a lot of time away from your village, you might be considered peripheral to village life.

That happened to me. My next door neighbour asked to borrow a large dish for her daughter’s christening and explained that ‘it was only for family and good friends’. Having spent the previous two months helping to look after her daughter I was upset and hurt to say the least. I suggested she ask one of her good friends .......

Have you got any interests locally. My friends tend to be people I meet at book clubs, choir etc. Also I volunteer with the National Trust and have met two very good friends there, both of whom are divorced and therefore live alone. I recommend volunteering with NT it's a great way to meet people, and there are social events and Christmas parties etc. If you don't like it you are not committed.

I agree MawB and GrannySomerset, I know I talk too much when I get the chance because I live on my own.

I noticed it with my Mum after Dad died, and now I'm becoming the same. And I think it's easy to get out of the habit of socialising as it's so much more of an effort, as has been said, when living alone.

I even find that my throat is very croaky when I first begin a conversation, and I think that's due to lack of use as sometimes I go days without speaking to anyone except the cat.

I just wonder if they had assumed that you would be in France? Especially if they haven't seen you out and about.
I know exactly what you mean - I returned to my village after my marriage broke up and there was only 2 of my long term friends left - the rest had moved away from the village and I had lost contact with them while I was in Oz.
Out of all of the mums in my sons age group, I was the only single parent. I got invited to some events and parties but always felt really uncomfortable - If any of the husbands talked to me for any length of time, their wives were either giving me dagger looks from across the room or they were physically removed from my vicinity! As if I was likely to race off with them !
I ended up being the one that was invited to help set up the parties and the one in the kitchen doing the washing up and clearing away - unpaid help! One in fact had her own catering business and I used to go to various places helping her out, that she paid me for but I only said I couldn't do one date that she wanted me to help with, and she didn't ask me again!
When I went to work full time and our children moved on to senior school so only saw the other parents in passing!
It is really hurtful when you feel left out - I think that next time you see your neighbour that was hosting, I'd be inclined to make a comment along the lines of "It sounded like you all had a lovely party the other weekend. I heard everybody going home as I was going round the locking up - living on my own, I tend to do it more than once!" and watch them squirm !

I also feel a little angry that people can be so unkind - I really was one of the few people not to go to the party and yet I do know them all. Even though I didn’t really want to go because of the dangers of (un)socially distancing, it would have been nice to have been asked
And, being mischievous, it might have been satisfying (although social suicide!) to be able to decline because you felt it inappropriate ????

polnan

oh my! and here I am, feeling sorry for myself

lived here 20 years, closest neighbours know my dh died about 8 months ago, not a one..
that hurts..

I realise that every one has problems, particularly at this time

my family, two grown sons, two lovely dils.. this weekend, so lonely. youngest ds mails me a lot, eldest ds with 4 gks... mine not his, know I am alone, isolated, and I feel so very much unloved.

dil mailed me late last night.. "Hi! been busy as usual, how are you!"

it is very hard to reach out, I hear what some of you are saying, but so very hard to reach out..

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself - I can empathise with what you are saying. We try too much not to appear “needy” to our families in case they say “oh no, it’s mum on the phone/having a moan” but in reality they have no idea.
I wonder if they ever will have until they are in a similar situation?
Now, listen to Maw
Don’t do as I did, polnan - do as I say...take a deep breath and tell them how lonely it is for you, that you are doing your best, but actually not coping, that you understand how busy they are and don’t want to be a burden, but a regular phone call, a card or note from the grandchildren would help.
Now the neighbours - well honestly. If they deserve your attention at all ring, or pop a note through the door inviting them to coffee/tea/a cold drink in the garden possibly “one day next week”
They might be finding it hard to know what to say to,you, - but isn’t it dreadful that you should be the one making allowances? However, that’s the way it goes.
If your neighbours are not worth bothering about, consider friends slightly further afield as long as they can get to you.
I’m sorry I have gone on too long but there will be many here who know exactly where you are coming from.
Please feel free to pm me if I can help in any way

Take consolation in the knowledge that if there's a spike in Covid-19 cases in your hamlet it will be obvious where it has originated. Lucky you! I'd say!

New day today, rise above it and let it go; they're not worth stressing over!

We will get through this and you will be able to visit your family in France before too long!

I would like to think the party invites were given to some not all of the hamlet as that would be cruel. I suspect it was done with no intent to hurt you ( your type of person ? ) as a very thoughtless thing to do.
Look forward to France and join your family again. Maybe have an afternoon tea ......experience tells me you give out invites then you get them back another side of human nature.
Try not to dwell but I also would have been deeply hurt.

Davidhs- hope you weren’t suggesting I’m a moaner ? I might feel sorry for myself when in on my own, but I have got a good sense of humour and do make friends laugh when I’m out.
Thank you for all your comments - kind of you.
It is true, they were all couples at the party as my only friend here told me!
I do actually have a lot of friends outside this hamlet and single ones too. It’s here I feel left out. I did have a Christmas party a few years ago and invited all the neighbours including the woman who gave said party for her partner Friday night. I also invited her to a 70th drinks party in my garden some years ago so this all added insult to injury.
I have to be realistic, the couple don’t like me - I guess not everybody can! But it still hurts when I think about it.
If I had the courage to fly in the next few months so I could see my son and grandchildren I wouldn’t be concentrating so much on that and just looking forward to seeing ‘them’. It’s never been this long without seeing them.
I also feel a little angry that people can be so unkind - I really was one of the few people not to go to the party and yet I do know them all. Even though I didn’t really want to go because of the dangers of (un)socially distancing, it would have been nice to have been asked.

Totaly agree Hetty58.

What you said brought back memories of many years ago when I was a young woman.
A neighbour who lived opposite was moving to another area and wanted a last evening out before they moved and she asked me if I would baby sit which I did.
The following evening it was obvious they were holding a party to which many people had been invited.
I wasn't.
As I do not enjoy parties I was relieved not to have been invited but on the other hand I was a bit miffed.

I feel for you SheilsM it feels awful to be left out. I think the suggestions to be pro-active is a good one but sometimes it’s hard. People just let you down at times don’t they? I too am feeling left out at the moment but for different reasons. It makes you feel so sad. Sending you love and hugs xx

Well more flouting guidelines as many of my friends and colleagues work to save lives. I have lost friends to this virus as they fight to save lives and it is these idiots who think that it is ok. I'm flabbergasted that you were upset at not being asked, I would have been jumping for joy. After 40 years of nursing it never amazes me how selfish some can be.

polnan sending ((hugs))
Tbh there is not a lot they can do at the moment. Can you phone?
There is Esther Rantzen's silver line for if you feel very lonely and isolated and age concern etc.

The Silver Line

Helpline: 0800 4 70 80 90www.thesilverline.org.uk

The Silver Line is the confidential, free helpline for older people across the UK open every day and night of the year. Our specially trained helpline staff offer information, friendship and advice, link callers to local groups and services, offer regular befriending calls and protect and support those who are suffering abuse and neglect. If callers would like to be put in touch with Silver Line Friends, they can receive a regular weekly friendship call or email. Or they may like to join a Silver Circle and take part in a regular group call on subjects that interest them.

Dear Polnan talk to your famkly and let them know you need bit if their support. They may be thinking oh she manages so well! I know because it happened to me after bereavement.

oh my! and here I am, feeling sorry for myself

lived here 20 years, closest neighbours know my dh died about 8 months ago, not a one..
that hurts..

I realise that every one has problems, particularly at this time

my family, two grown sons, two lovely dils.. this weekend, so lonely. youngest ds mails me a lot, eldest ds with 4 gks... mine not his, know I am alone, isolated, and I feel so very much unloved.

dil mailed me late last night.. "Hi! been busy as usual, how are you!"

it is very hard to reach out, I hear what some of you are saying, but so very hard to reach out..

I am so sorry. I know how it is to be hurt like that. This is grown up people and I don't really understand. What about your friend? She could say something to the others.

I would look for someone in the group- 1 or 2 women you may have spoke to before - and then invite them for lunch/coffee etc. Action is the word to save you from hurt feelings. It is NOT you. Those people are not friend-potential in my point of view. Take care.

rockgran

I was single for a while and realised you need to try harder just to keep things going. Now (during lockdown) I have phoned and written to people regardless of whose "turn" it might be. I have always had a good response and I think it it too easy to let things slide or take offence. Having and keeping friends requires some effort - more so when you are single. Sad but true.

Indeed very true and something we need to regularly remind ourselves of.
It is also true that you “notice” not being invited less as a couple and it is easier to accept.
The danger is to let yourself sink into self pity because then everything can be turned into a rejection or slight.

*PS I have to admit I talk too much too - almost as if I have to make conversation for two!
Something I need to guard against, but when you’ve only had the dog for company there is so much bubbling inside that wants to come out! ??*

mawB I have to watch this too I find so much time on your own and when you meet somebody a weeks worth of news, info, stuff comes out I have apologised before now for flooding the air
I find my socialising is all outside the home now whereas I used to have house parties and folks round but since being on my own it’s all gone, as have a lot of the people who would have come round they ve moved away, some died, some just gone out my life
I don’t find it easy to go to ‘do s’ on my own and if you stop going you stop getting invited so my social life is restaurants, coffee, cafes, cinemas, theatres, and work now

I do feel for you sheils as there is nothing worse than hearing others having a good time and feel left out but maybe it’s because they know you’re not there much and not sure whether you would be around or not No excuse as they could have popped an invite through your door whether you were there or not