Potty training

Whilst I agree that parents have every right to do things their own way, as long as it is not harming the child or anyone else, I think this is an issue that is legitimately debatable because it affects school staff.
If there is a physical or psychological reason for the delay in toilet training then that is a totally different story and they should be seeking help.
However it sounds as though the mother is just leaving it up to others to do her job. And it sounds as though the Health visitor is doing the same as she should be encouraging and supporting the mother to do the training.
Primary teachers, who have done several years of comprehensive training are now getting 5 year olds in school still in nappies and are expected to deal with this. . Some parents are devolving more and more responsibility onto the teachers which should be theirs.
In this time of the pandemic in particular I find it very selfish and irresponsible of parents to expect other people to have such close contact with their children, and in fact I'm surprised that the preschool is prepared to do it.
Again I stress that I know there are children with special needs who will need to be changed and who have every right to expect this.
It just makes my blood boil, being involved with 3 primary schools and knowing how much parental responsibility is pushed onto school staff these days.

Dil is working while DS is still furloughed so he is primary carer for now. Yesterday he sent a video of 14 month-old handing him the changing mat then fetching the changing bag. Only the second time he's done this but a good sign that he's ready to start.
I'm a great believer in letting them run around the garden with no nappy. This is the ideal time of year for that!
They then quickly become aware of a wee!

Certainly the bucket full of dirty nappies and the fact that I had to boil then hand wash them stopped me being lazy, eldest daughter around 2 and dry during the day very quickly. I understand where you are coming from Joolz but as its not going to get you thanked I should just leave it and let them sort themselves out.

My daughter had potties in each room and used a "reward" chart. This together with some Peppa Pig knickers (that my granddaughter wanted but was told she could only wear when she became a "big girl") worked a treat. Admittedly over the lockdown there have been one or two "accidents" but considering the changes in routine of no nursery, daddy being home, no overnights at Nanas, I think she has done very well for a three year old

My daughters were dry before they were 2 not 1 ;-)

My daughters seemed to train themselves in an odd way. I got a little step up to the loo and they both were dry before they were one

My son was a different story.

When he was about 3 I read some article about putting a ping pong ball in the loo and asking them to aim

Worked like a treat

I left my boys until they were around 3 1/2 and it took no time at all. My friend on the other hand had no qualms about whipping a potty out in the middle of the bank for a wee. As she was training earlier. A nightmare

I was surprised to find out that some school nursery class children turn up still in nappies, and the Nursery staff are left to toilet train them. Nappies are expensive so I don't really understand why parents are leaving their children in them for so long. My children were out of nappies at 18 months and using a potty then asking for the toilet.. It wasn't hard to train them really. I don't think you can do much about it to be honest, especially if you don't have any day to day care of your grandchild.

It doesn't matter what age they are, no child is the same and they will do it at their own pace. It is up to DIL to make the decision and i believe grandparents are there for support when asked but not to intervene. It can cause friction and fall out and not worth it. I would wait before saying anything

I was a Mum in the nineties and there was a lot of competitiveness among mums about whose toddler was potty trained first. At that time, the majority of playgroups/pre schools wouldn't take children till they were out of nappies. I still struggled with potty training with DD1 who was very bright and ahead on milestones such as crawling and walking. I remember she was due to start play group in the September and just about made it out of nappies in the July/August - the situation really stressed me out and she really needed the stimulation of playgroup. DD2, five years younger, had all sorts of developmental issues (dyspraxia, autism etc although we didn't know that at the time). Fortunately, I found another playgroup who were happy to take her in nappies because she definitely wouldn't have been dry in time. Between the lovely staff there and DH and me we eventually got her dry. With hindsight, I know that both would have got there in there own time. A bit of encouragement yes but I really don't feel all this judgement on little ones not being out of nappies by a certain age is helpful.

I agree with Elaine1, I was the "lazy" daughter in law apparently when I wasn't interfering mother in laws are still about I' see, not good ladies just but out and leave this woman to work it out her way.

feeling slightly disgusted by healthy older child in nappy.

Good grief - no wonder many people grow up to be disgusted by their own bodies - no doubt subconsciously rubbed in by our approach to normal body function.

It really doesn't matter what age we do or do not 'potty' train - I find the word sums up the attitude tbh.

Old ways aren't always the best and they are often based in 'controlling' children until they become controlled adults.

Both my daughters were out of (terry) nappies shortly after they were two. I was heartily fed up with the festering nappy bucket. I bought them pretty knickers as a bit of a bribe and it was easy. Obviously a few accidents, but no problems. I do worry about the landfill with disposable nappies, but my four grandchildren all wore them and I understood why when I looked after them!

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I sympathise OP, and am astonished at the health visitor's attitude. I can tell you that preschools and reception classes certainly do mind. We are not staffed for pottytraining, nor do we have the facilities. With a ratio of 2 adults to 30 in reception, , how on earth can we leave the class to do that?
My heart would sink when I showed children round in huge nappies. Why can't parents take some responsibility?

Yes, I listened to my DM and MIL and put my son through misery trying to potty train him from about 2.5 years. He was having none of it. After a miserable month I totally gave up.
He, "trained" himself in a couple of days just a few of weeks before his 4th birthday. I could have saved myself a lot of bother and him a lot of trauma if I'd not listened.
Leave your DIL alone. It's nothing to do with you, he's her son, you've had your turn.

You could let her lead her own life.

I've been there and done this.

Nowadays the health visitors are insisting that children should not be potty trained before 3½ or even 4. They say a hormone controlling bladder and bowel spincters doesn't develop until that age.

Dear lady, save your breath to cool your porridge. You will only offend your DIL if you try to make her see your point of view.

My daughter certainly wasn't prepared to listen to me, I can tell you.

Thinking back, how much advice did we take from our mothers and mothers-in-law if it ran counter to what was modern in our day?

Riskybuisness

dizzyblonde

I think we have exchanged nosy village busybodies ‘calling’ young Mothers out for parenting decisions that do not fit in with there own narrow views of what is correct for nosy busybodies online who do exactly the same. Far from generally being told they are wonderful Mums, they are ripped to shreds for not doing enough crafts, dressing their children a particular way, going out too much/too little and, guess what, potty training too early/too late.
One medium has been exchanged for another and the result is still Mothers , and it generally is Mothers, feeling depressed and inadequate for decisions that really do not matter in the long run.
The age at which my children were potty trained has had zero effect on their future, either long or short term.
I did what my Mother hinted at re potty training because I knew it wouldn’t harm my child, it just made more work for me. I ignored her, equally well meaning, advice on breastfeeding as it was factually incorrect and I was confident enough in my own scientific knowledge to go my own way.

New Mums are battered every way they turn these days, grannies advice, friends advice and social media censure. At least I could close the door on my busybodies.

If they had to wash ckean and dry terry nappies all children would be potty trained as best and as early without destress.
Its the easy way out with pampers why would anyone bother who even had the time unless they cared for thier childs humiliation not to mention the toxins thier body is exoelling being rubbed in thier skin for 25 minutes on a bus journey home. Pampers is the equivilant to microwave meals and fast food. Use it only when you need to but dont expect anything good to come from it.

I think you may be a little out of date, many of the new Mums I know don’t use disposables and children are definitely not humiliated unless it’s in the minds of others. And as for toxins...... I would rather worry about the toxic minds they are being exposed to by relatives thinking their Parents are lazy. Anyone close to me would have had seriously restricted access to my children if they had expressed those sort of attitudes.

Dont interfere. His parents decision, not yours, even though you mean well. Just watch, wait, and help if and when asked.

dizzyblonde

I think we have exchanged nosy village busybodies ‘calling’ young Mothers out for parenting decisions that do not fit in with there own narrow views of what is correct for nosy busybodies online who do exactly the same. Far from generally being told they are wonderful Mums, they are ripped to shreds for not doing enough crafts, dressing their children a particular way, going out too much/too little and, guess what, potty training too early/too late.
One medium has been exchanged for another and the result is still Mothers , and it generally is Mothers, feeling depressed and inadequate for decisions that really do not matter in the long run.
The age at which my children were potty trained has had zero effect on their future, either long or short term.
I did what my Mother hinted at re potty training because I knew it wouldn’t harm my child, it just made more work for me. I ignored her, equally well meaning, advice on breastfeeding as it was factually incorrect and I was confident enough in my own scientific knowledge to go my own way.

New Mums are battered every way they turn these days, grannies advice, friends advice and social media censure. At least I could close the door on my busybodies.

If they had to wash ckean and dry terry nappies all children would be potty trained as best and as early without destress.
Its the easy way out with pampers why would anyone bother who even had the time unless they cared for thier childs humiliation not to mention the toxins thier body is exoelling being rubbed in thier skin for 25 minutes on a bus journey home. Pampers is the equivilant to microwave meals and fast food. Use it only when you need to but dont expect anything good to come from it.

My DGD at 2 1/2 has just been done - potty has been hanging around for a while and she became interested, comes with me to the loo when I am there and did it herself basically! Dry in the daytime after a few days - boys however are much less mature and tend to be later anyway, but now is the time when you can chuck them outdoors in case of accidents in my opinion.

Has she actually got a potty for him? He won't be interested if there isn't one, or goes to the loo with Dad to see what happens? Difficult one! As MIL you will be damned if you do and damned if you don't anyway! What does your son say?

I think we have exchanged nosy village busybodies ‘calling’ young Mothers out for parenting decisions that do not fit in with there own narrow views of what is correct for nosy busybodies online who do exactly the same. Far from generally being told they are wonderful Mums, they are ripped to shreds for not doing enough crafts, dressing their children a particular way, going out too much/too little and, guess what, potty training too early/too late.
One medium has been exchanged for another and the result is still Mothers , and it generally is Mothers, feeling depressed and inadequate for decisions that really do not matter in the long run.
The age at which my children were potty trained has had zero effect on their future, either long or short term.
I did what my Mother hinted at re potty training because I knew it wouldn’t harm my child, it just made more work for me. I ignored her, equally well meaning, advice on breastfeeding as it was factually incorrect and I was confident enough in my own scientific knowledge to go my own way.

New Mums are battered every way they turn these days, grannies advice, friends advice and social media censure. At least I could close the door on my busybodies.

eazybee

My son was potty trained without distress before he was two and a half ; I remember he was trained before his sister was born in May. It was so easy because the weather was good and he was happy to run around in little towelling pants, with a potty nearby; it helped that he had slightly older friends who would happily use their potties, and he wanted to be a big boy. His sister was even earlier, again trained in the summer. The daughter in law is simply foisting the responsibility on to the nursery because she can't be bothered, but if mother in law comments she will no doubt be estranged.
When I was still teaching (ten years ago) there was a small but increasing number of children arriving in Reception, aged four plus, who were not trained; school lavatories are not ideal places for training to be conducted and some found it distressing. Schools used to refuse to take children wearing nappies, but have since been over ruled, and lazy mothers know this.

Sasly social media has alot to do with the decline of thought for children. The school rule pampers to those that want to be a parent have the medal, post the happy family snaps and do nothing behind the scenes. Decades ago parents would get called out on this behaviour byt they now have a thousand people telling them they are doing a grand job on the back of a 2 second snap of a first day of school uniform or a child sat in a swing. Even sadder is these mind sets now congregate off screen and its now become the new normal. The Heart breaking reality of mobile phones mixed with lazt attitudes. .