Potty training

He will get there in his own time. I started potty training my DD at two and it took about two months to be reliably dry. My elder DS I started at the same time, mainly because of the disapproving looks from my Mother, and he became reliably dry on the day he started school just before his 4th birthday. He was and is , extremely bright (although that has nothing to do with early potty training) and perfectly healthy but how I wished I’d ignored my Mothers well meaning but none the less unwelcome hints, and waited until he was ready. It would have avoided a lot of stress, not only for me but also for him.
My youngest DS I started again at 2 and he was even later, he was past 4 before he could go a day without accidents. It really is nothing to do with laziness, perhaps your DIL knows her own child best and knows he’s not ready.
For anyone who is interested this is the latest advice.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/potty-training-tips/

Pop the potty inside the toilet sit him on the loo so he can go in it. Show him where its gone while its still in the loo. Do this for a day then let him run round with no nappy on and have the potty in a room. Once he fits the 2 together he will think its great fun. At his age he will twig very quickly between potty and the bathroom if you repeat now and again the potty in the toilet. That shouldnt be a problem as when he realises thats what you are all doing he wont want to be left out, id also call his potty little toilet. The word potty just aids a further divide from the activity to object later as he probably knows the word definition of big and small.
If the potty wont fit in the toilet get a mixing bowl its not the what it is done in but the how its done. Kind of Depnds on how free thinking people are....Potty trained my grandson in 2 days.

Much as I think the OP's DiL is leaving it a bit late, I think the OP should say nothing. There is the risk of a big argument.

I found toilet training my children difficult but they were done by two and a half. I have to say they weren't terribly reliable and I had to continually prompt them.

Unless there is something definitely wrong, we all get there in the end.

My son was potty trained without distress before he was two and a half ; I remember he was trained before his sister was born in May. It was so easy because the weather was good and he was happy to run around in little towelling pants, with a potty nearby; it helped that he had slightly older friends who would happily use their potties, and he wanted to be a big boy. His sister was even earlier, again trained in the summer. The daughter in law is simply foisting the responsibility on to the nursery because she can't be bothered, but if mother in law comments she will no doubt be estranged.
When I was still teaching (ten years ago) there was a small but increasing number of children arriving in Reception, aged four plus, who were not trained; school lavatories are not ideal places for training to be conducted and some found it distressing. Schools used to refuse to take children wearing nappies, but have since been over ruled, and lazy mothers know this.

Don’t worry too much he won’t be using a nappy when he is 20.

Relax everything in good time. I haven’t a clue when mine were potty trained, it all seemed to happen naturally.

I can’t remember what my daughter did either with her two.

I do remember lots of praise taking place when they did perform and letting them put it down the loo with help of course which they always enjoyed?.

But I also remember never, never interfering in my daughters method of upbringing (still dont).

Spot on Calendargirl! As a childminder, it was somehow my job (the mum simply couldn't face it, the prospect of accidents on her floor) and they were reliably clean and dry in just a week or so.

as when she is back at work four days a week it won’t be her problem

Says it all.

Leaving it for someone else to sort out.

Hurrah for Lucca mentioning her son and DIL’s choices. Are these MILs with lazy DILs in the sad position of having lost their sons, their grandchildren’s father, or are the parents divorced with the mother having sole residence?
Because if their sons are alive and present, why are they not copping for some of the flack?
My eldest was in knickers reliably just in time for nursery at two and a half, it was hard work though, she was perfectly happy to sit in her own shit and loathed pooing in the potty, she would run and squat and do it on the floor.
I think there was a move to later toilet training because it was thought that trying to train too early could lead to children resisting going, leading to constipation and impaction etc. I’ve no idea if this was research based or valid.
However changing a 2 or 3 year old’s soiled nappy and cleaning all their crevices is not pleasant, even when it’s your own child, so I think most parents who choose to wait until the child is older, are doing it because they think it is in the child’s interest, and not because they are lazy. Whether they are right or not I’m not qualified to say.

Interesting JE. My DGS is 2 and is in the middle of potty training. After 2 weeks he is beginning to show signs he's getting it. My daughter was very easily trained at 1. She'd go for 2 or 3 hours with a dry nappy and would wee when I put her in the bath. Not a lot of trouble to transition her into knickers. She was also dry through the night by 2.

In my opinion, GS was ready 2 or 3 months ago, but DD has only just started doing it. I think he'll crack it in a month. I do have friends with children/grandchildren of 3 plus who are still in nappies. I have one friend whose daughter was almost 5 before she was trained. So much so that the child was upset at school when one of the children made a comment (not directed at her) about nappies being for babies. Which of course they are!

Parents are doing their children no favours by extending babyhood into late toddler years.

It does seem to be common these days to delay potty training.

Is it laziness on the part of the mother? I’m afraid I think it often is, hidden behind the assertion that ‘he/she is not ready’

Our local play school which all of mine went to from three years old, wouldn’t accept any child which wasn’t potty trained.

Mine all managed it between about eighteen months and just over two.

Interestingly my son was earlier than the girls despite many assertions that boys are slower in that department.

I think it’s awful to see three year olds running around with a bulky nappy clearly visible.

I’m afraid they are often the ones with a dummy stuck in their mouths too.
What on earth is that all about at that age?

Thank you for your comments, especially those who understand that it is my grandson who I’m thinking of, he is not a baby or even a toddler, he’s a lovely, proper little boy who loves Spider-Man & batman & pj masks! I appreciate things have changed since my children were small, but according to the NHS website 9 out of 10 children are potty trained at 3 years old and if a child is continually in nappies how will he learn. He knows what a wee is & a poopie!
I would not presume to know better than my DiL. But rather knowing my GS is a bit shy, doing this at home with his mum, or people he knows, surely would be better than with strangers in unfamiliar surroundings. I just don’t think she has thought it through as when she is back to work four days week it won’t be her problem. Please believe me I do not want to fall out with my DiL or interfere, but this is the first time I have done anything like this just to see if anyone could offer advice as it has been really bothering me. At the end of the day if he’s in nappies until he’s 15 it will have no bearing on my life, but I can’t pretend I don’t care!!

Thank you again for your comments.

You are probably right, but please just spectate and don’t get any more involved. It is a bit late, but should be easier as he is older. He’ll be out one day for sure, and you presumably want to be around for ever. Don’t put that to any detriment.

It is not up to you to decide when potty training of a GC takes place. You call her lazy and maybe she is but things have changed since you had children and pressures are different. My first child was in Terry nappies, my second in disposable ones. I was working full time and disposable nappies made my life easier. I have a grandson now and I keep my views firmly to myself unless asked.

My daughter left it later than we did - simply because her life is so much busier and more complicated.

Mine were all trained at two, although we were very relaxed about accidents. Summer is the ideal time.

Hers were still in nappies until three, but she drives almost everywhere, takes them to many clubs and activities, and works as well - so is always rushing around but keeps a potty in the car!

Could it be that she has tried and it hasn’t ‘worked’, but she doesn’t want to tell you for fear of you thinking her a failure (although I’m not suggesting that you actually would).

My DIL first tried to potty train GS at 26 months. He was terrified of the potty, and wouldn’t let his bottom touch it. She waited about a month, and tried again. GS was happy to sit on the potty and the toilet, but held in his wee. As he has a history of urine infections DIL was advised to stop. Exact same thing happened at the beginning of this year when she tried, DIL worried that he was never going to get it. DIL gave it a go for the fourth time at the beginning of lockdown. By then GS was only a couple of months off his 3rd birthday. He was dry from day 3, and hasn’t had an accident since. I do truly think that some children just aren’t ready until they are. It takes a little bit longer for some.

Thank goodness small children are not forced into early toilet training these days. As for babies 'performing' when sat on potties at six months, that is a reaction to being sat down with nothing on, AND their parents getting trained as to when to do that.

A lot of problems can be caused by too early toilet training. A relaxed approach, without looking at their birth date will result in quicker and easy response by the children.

One of my children did come of daytime nappies by the time he was about four years old, but remained a bed wetter until he was nearly 12 yrs.old. Slept so deeply, nothing disturbed him. Did not matter, he would just take the sheet off his bed on those nights, before he went to school and I would know to change everything when I made up his bed that morning.

Really do not understand why so many people think that they no better than their g.childrens parents about so many aspects of their upbringing.

Yes, I did use terry nappies for all of mine, including many foster babies, never found them not a great chore once I got a washing machine (just after no. 2 was born, eleven months after first one). Soak in milton bucket, which was then entered each morning into that washing machine.

Unless you're involved in childcare for your grandson it's not worth saying any more.
You'll only irritate her.

Interestingly my son and DIL. Who are very relaxed easygoing parents are into reasonably early potty training. GD out of nappies at about 2 1/2. GS dry at 2.
Other DS and wife left it until late following some book they’d read.....had a hell of a time with their first boy !

Agree NfkDumpling terry nappies and no washing machine did certainly concentrate the mind! I also had the incentive of the prospect of having two in nappies as there is only 18mths between my DD and DS. Luckily DS was due at beginning of July and a with a few good months of early summer weather had DD in light summer clothes and although we had a few accidents she was happy putting on wee panties rather than bulky nappies! DS was a bit later in starting using the pot but was still off before two and happy with it. Don't really remember us stressing about it.

Another one here who doesn’t agree with late potty training- both from environmental point of view and feeling slightly disgusted by healthy older child in nappy.

My 5 were all trained around 2 or so, without any stress. GD (2 ) is nearly trained now. Unfortunately there’s not much OP can do, except have a rant here! It would be better if pre-schools didn’t allow nappies (unless child has health issue) and health visitors encouraged earlier training. Disposable nappy manufacturers must have a vested interest in the trend towards later training.

Two and a half is early these days Shelmiss!

My MiL told me she had a lap potty which young babies were put on directly after a feed once they were able to sit aided to catch what could be caught. Apparently the cold rim worked wonders and children were toilet trained as they learned to toddle to a potty! Terry nappies and no washing machines certainly concentrated the mind!

My main concern is that the majority, if not all disposable nappies used are not biodegradable and either have to go to landfill or incineration, neither of which is good for the environment.

I left mine until they were 2 and a half as I couldn’t face potty training twins. But when I did, one was dry during the day within 24 hours and the other within 5 days. I’m glad I left it late!

I agree sounds lazy to me if your DIL isn’t even wanting to try, but I think you just have to stand back and don’t mention it again joolz , I’m surprised the health visitor saying it doesn’t matter if left until 4,

Reading this I couldn’t remember when mine were potty trained. They did go to a Montessori school a couple of hours a day from 2 and a half so they must have been out of nappies by then.
I do remember them having “who can pee the highest” competitions with their friends once they could walk. Helped that we lived in the tropics so they went around in swimming trunks most of the time.

Yes we had to struggle with Terry nappies and horrible plastic pants Calendargirl focussed the mind on potty training early. I didn't have a washing machine initially either.
Who said they were the good old days.