You don't give a gift and then stipulate conditions with it, mind your own business and just enjoy the gift and the pleasure it gives.
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Rewarding GC's good work - what should I do or say now?
(62 Posts)When I was a child, a teacher's good marks for good school work were considered sufficient reward by my parents and grandparents. However, I did have friends whose parents bought them small presents if they did particularly well; and whenever my AC lets me know of especially good work done by my very dear and only GC, I send a handwritten letter with some extra pocket money (NOT huge amounts) to acknowledge this.We live at a distance, and even before Covid could not meet frequently, though we are in contact 2 or 3 times a week.The money is always gratefully received, and I am usually happy that GC uses it to choose whatever would add a bit of sunshine to the day!
However, this year I sent more than usual. GC's achievement, we all felt, was especially great - not only because of lockdown, but also because last year my SIL was very seriously ill,and GC was old enough to understand this. We thought SIL had recovered - but it now appears that the disease has returned. For the time being GC will not be told - in a few weeks after term has started, the news will have to be broken that treatment must start again.
The concern I have may seem very trivial by comparison in the circumstances; but I am worried that my daughter, who has up to now been holding things together brilliantly, has now allowed GC to fritter what I have sent - plus other money - on an extremely expensive toy of little or no educational or developmental value. This is out of character (she is a teacher, although now for only two days a week) and my partner and I, who live in a low income area where so many people are struggling, feel it is wrong. I don't know whether to say anything, or just resolve not to do this again.
At the same time, daughter and SIL - who is still able to work full time, at least for now, have also gone ahead with major (not essential) house purchases, planned before the recurrence of his disease. They are usually sensible with money, and I do not wish to interfere or upset them when they have already had so much to bear, but with so many question marks over the immediate future, it is hard not to worry.
I would be happy that my Grandchild had spent the money on something she wanted rather than worry about educational value. Anyway, imaginative play with a toy is educational and can help with creative thought; very useful for creative writing. Learning to be happy is also a tool for life. Presumably she will have had to buy her gift with a budget, make decisions about what she will or won't buy, etc which are all educational processes. It doesn't have to say "educational" on the box to have educational value; any teacher worth their salt will tell you that.
I hope your daughter's treatment goes well and you are able to give her and your grandchild the support they will need. I am sure you don't need telling (especially as you did acknowledge the triviality in the OP) that this is not something to address out loud at this point.
I have always looked on gifts as being things that someone would't (or couldn't afford to) buy for themselves. Luxuries, if you like.
I will happily help out my family if I can afford to do so and they 'need' the money; but I still see gifts as separate from that, and if I send money in lieu of a gift I actively encourage them to spend it on something frivolous.
When times are difficult it can make all the difference to treat yourself to something just because you want it, and it doesn't matter whether the thing that makes you happy is 'worthy' or not - it's the fact that it is a treat. Whether it is a luxury bath oil or a Ferrari depends on the budget, but the principle is the same.
And I’d put money on the amounts we are talking about here being circa £10 - £50
My jaw hit the floor when you starting whinging about the GC “frittering” your gift away
Sounds like you daughter under incredible stress
And their father very very sick
I think the best thing you can do is keep your distance and judgement to yourself
If you gift money then you have no right to tell anyone how to spend it surely
* Cassandra* first of all so sorry to hear about your SIL's news.
I send my DGC money for every occasion and I tell them, it's for you to spend or save as you wish.
As for your specific question I agree with Hetty
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thank you all for your advice. I am very grateful to you all. I am sure you are right and I should allow them to have fun - especially now.
I have to say, never before has it occurred to me that I should have any say in how money given to GC should be spent. But this year, I have worried that, if things go badly wrong, the family might regret not having been a bit more careful. Years ago, I had to cope with a period of unemployment following illness. At the time, I was a single parent of two teenagers; and my ex husband had gone bankrupt and had enough problems of his own. I had to take control then for us all to survive, and I expect this experience still influences my thinking and behaviour too much.
cornergran and Hetty58, your posts were both especially helpful in different ways. I would like to think I do show that I value my GC other than through presents. I do believe that the best thing we can give anyone is our time; and since lockdown we have regular 1-1 meetings via Zoom to read stories to each other, talk about what we have been doing, and play silly games. Would recommend this to anyone who can't see their own grandchildren very often.
Thank you all for being there at a difficult time.
Don't give them money if you need to tell them what to spend it on.
Cassandra, just focus on the joy you have given the child at being able to unexpectedly buy a toy he has longed for. Hope everything else works out for the family.
You are clearly a loving and generous GP and it must be hard to watch what you consider to be reckless behaviour. It really isn't up to you what any of them spend their money on. Kids need fun toys as well as educational ones. We have to let the AC and GC lead their own lives, just as we lead ours. Their priorities may well be very different to yours.
I have 4 grandsons and have recently retired. I have always said a gift given is receivers responsibility to how it is used. I also believe that how others deal with their financial things is their business. I personally would say nothing about the gift or DD personal family business, but concentrate on supporting them emotionally in their time of need. It is hard to step back, but you don't need to fall out with them especially at this time. Live life as some dont get their true length. God Bless you all and I apologise if I seem blunt. Xxx
Perhaps your SiL is considerably more ill than you think, and they have chosen to use money (and allow GC to do so) to create memories while he is still with them?
Iwouldn't dream of just wanting my grandchildren to have 'educational toys'. Sounds boring to me!
You are only young once, and when I send money, my only proviso is 'Make yourself happy!'
Its not really a gift is it if you have certain expectations on what the money goes on? Its more of an order!
Children are already stressed enough, if your grandchild chooses to treat themselves with money given, especially with all they are going through, I would consider that money very well spent! x
Now, to quote one of my wonderful grandsons who drew me flowers so I wouldn't 'Catch the bad bug from real ones'....chillax!
Cassandra, so sorry to learn about your SiL. He and your daughter sound lovely strong people. and they are going ahead with their lives as they had planned. This outlook will serve them so well whatever the outcome. Well Done to them
All of us need, at times, to spend on items we would like but do not need. Such fun, at times. provided not going in to debt to get them, that is a really good tonic.
I never send any sort of pressie as a 'reward' for success. With eight g.children and limited resources, I do send them all a small monetary amount following GCSE and A levels
but these are 'set' amounts and given as they finish these exams, well before results. Once given it totally up to them how they use it.
Success in anything is a reward in itself, sometimes, it can be important to give a pressie when there has been perceived failure.
I do send my own five very adult - children money pressies at the winter festival (call it what you will), always with a note saying it is sent with love for them to use on themselves for something totally frivouless. NOT to bejust put into h osuehold accounts
Best wishes for a good final outcome for your SiL
I cringe when I hear the words educational toy!
A gift of money is just that - a gift. What it is spent on is no business of the giver.
Leave them be - they must make their own life choices.
It was your choice to send money rather than a gift and so his choice how to spend it. If you wanted him to spend it on an "educational toy" sorry, but you should have bought something yourself and had it sent to him!
More's the point, when did children stop being children and when did all toys have to be educational ?
The items that your DD and SiL had been planned earlier so not as if they are impulse buys. No reason why they can't buy things that they can both enjoy for as long as both can.
I think as a family they have found that life is too short , and if they can afford, why not have the things they really want if it makes them happy.
Good advice here from everyone. How lovely to write a letter as well. In the midst of doom and gloom frivolity is a bit of a must!
I agree with momb your family are under a lot of stress let them enjoy what they can. A gift should be freely given no strings.
I hope your son in law responds well to the treatment cassandra264
I have to agree with the posts so far. You are worried about your family but allow them to have fun. And remember what Robert Frost said Never ask of money spent Where the spender thinks it went. Nobody was ever meant To remember or invent What he did with every cent.
If you give money as a gift you can have no control over the way it is spent. It sounds as if your GC deserved a treat.let your family get on with their lives.
By all means treat your grandchild from time to time if you want to.
As a retired teacher, I'm not at all keen on the 'reward' aspect of gifts, though.
What message does that send? (That you only value your grandchild for their achievements?) You could create unnecessary pressure and anxiety about doing really well and producing good work. That could be damaging and counterproductive.
Give your gift freely as a token of love, for occasions or just randomly, instead. Allow it to be spent freely too. Remember once given, it's no longer yours. Give up the control.
Praise for good work is quite enough. The family are going through a tough time so will make different choices. Don't criticise them.
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