Friendships one sided

I ended a friendship of 46 years because of this exact situation. My friend never seemed interested in anything I said or did, it was all about her. When my DD became engaged I excitedly showed my friend a photo of the ring and she pulled a face and said eugh, following on with, 'oh you wont want to go away with me next year then, you'll be too busy planning the wedding! My father was diagnosed as terminally ill and I cancelled a 5 day holiday I had booked with this friend but she still went on her own, saying that she could really do with a break!! My dad passed away 6 weeks to the day after diagnosis. I refused to let her come to his funeral. Not once did she ask how my mum (who she had known since we were 5) was. Other events brought the situation to a head and I tackled her about her behaviour to me over the years and she admitted she was jealous of me. That was 6 years ago and I havent seen her since and, to this day, I have never missed her.

No golly67 you are not being sensitive or silly. As many here have said it depends if they are real friends or acquaintances. People just get so busy with their own lives these days that they do not necessarily stop to think about what other's may be dealing with. Stick with those who genuinely care about you and try to minimize the time with those who are not so caring.

I don't have anyone to have a chin wag with, or a serious discussion, actually.
Both my neighbours have huge families (one has her grown son living with her)

I really do think it's somehow a more complex problem...

I understand how irritating this can be but, do some of these people live alone and grab at the chance of someone to talk to?

I hope I don’t do it but, since being widowed, I do miss having someone else to talk to. I am lucky that, during lockdown, I have relatives and friends with whom I keep in contact by phone on a regular basis. Some people do not even have that.

I think it becomes some kind of compulsion.

People could be forgiven for thinking my neighbours are lonely, but that is most definitely not the case.

I can be very forthright when I'm pushed, and often say things which are horribly blunt, but it's water off a ducks back.

Don't some people just go on and on about themselves in minute detail. It can be so boring. Holiday acquaintances can sometimes feel the need to tell you all about where they've been. Last year we chatted to a couple who insisted we'd love a holiday in Dubai. Actually we wouldn't.

It has its compensations, being friendless.

Short of moving, I'm a bit stuck with my neighbours.

Now I am glad I have no friends or acquaintances. ?

This seems to be a common problem. I used to write letters (years ago) to my mother and tell her absolutely everything that was going on in my life, what my sons (her grandchildren) were doing, etc. Her replies were always scant; hardly worth the postage to be honest. I tried a new tactic; I sent very short letters telling her nothing. She soon replied asking a ton of questions asking me what was going on in my life.
Conversations are meant to be a two-way thing. You ask the other person a question, they reply, you either respond to what they've said, or you hope they ask you a question etc.
But so many people these days seem to focus on themselves; their dramas; their jobs; their relationship problems and they don't seem to realise that you could be hurting too, or bursting to share something of your own life with them. And even if you do manage to get a word in edgeways, it seems in no time at all that the conversation has gone back to your friend, who is continuing with her drama.
The way I see it is you have two choices: 1: just be the listener and if the friend ever says something like 'how are you doing?' just reply succinctly 'I've got stuff going on but I know you're not interested in my life.' (That will shock them) or 2: dump them. If you want a friend to be a friend, then you have to be a friend first. Does that make sense?

I’ve got a little list........in fact, I have two. The first is of those who have phoned me to see how I am coping, to ask if I need anything, and to have a nice chat. The second is a list of people who have gladly accepted lifts, help when they are sick, or with household tasks, but have never phoned me since lockdown began.
A few of them are unallocated, for the time being. I have phoned them and either had a good two-way conversation or a me-me-me one. If they haven’t bothered to call me, in return, I will probably put them on list two. Most of the ones on this list will find that I am unavailable when they contact me because they need something, or want to rant or bore.
It’s at times like these that we find out who are our true friends, and life’s too short to bother with the ones who aren’t.

I stopped contact with a friend because it was all one sided. She used to work for me and we became friends, I covered up a lot for her so she didn't lose her job but that was ok, it was my choice and I didn't expect anything back. However the owner closed the business down but we still stayed friends and used to meet for lunch. She would never text or ring me and when we did go out for lunch she never offered to pay, except on one occasion when she came into a little bit of money but the ryder was that this was a one off and she wouldn't be paying again! She would tell me her problems and life history and I tried to give her support, but I got fed up of the one way relationship and just stopped texting. She never once asked why and if there was a problem.

My neighbour sometimes thanks me for allowing her to bore me, then I feel rotten.

Totally agree Chardy but it seems to be quite normal now that people rant on about themselves and their life etc. I have 2 friends who do the same but I just listen (or pretend to listen) then politely change the subject. It usually works.

I think friendships are based on dialogues not one person's relentless monologue every time you see them.

Now that lockdown is easing I've got to admit there are a couple of friends I'm not keen to meet up with again One of them will tell you about something she watched on TV last night but start with what she had for breakfast and work through the rest of her day. The other just talks about her grandchildren who she has seen nearly every day (at the bottom of the garden) but still cries it's been devastating because she can't give them a hug while mine live on the other side of the world. I keep making excuses about not wanting to visit coffee shops yet.

I had this for many years
I had enough and ended up telling her so, needless to say this one sided 'friendship' is no more.
Be brave and lay your feelings on the line - sometimes its the only way

It’s a standing joke in this house. When I go out or have someone here, I say to DH 80/20 or 75/25 or whatever meaning that the other person will take up to 80% of the conversation. It is very rare that I get 50% or more.
I’ve got used to it. I also end up dropping the people who bore me too much, too often.
Love your suggestions Pant

Someone gave me some tips on avoiding a long drawn out conversation Miss Adventure and I’ve had occasion to use them!

Hold your mobile to your ear and chat away while you approach and sail past with a wave and a smile ?

If she rings you on home phone or mobile, tell her you can’t talk as you’re on t’other line.

If she knocks at the door, grab a bath towel and say you’re about to have a long soak.....

If it’s a distant friend waffling away on the line, just knock loudly on your own front door and say you’ve got to go etc

I had a friend who was always talking about herself and her life it was the me me me me situation.
She would interupt me if and when i got a word in,suffice as to say she is no longer a friend.

I wish I knew how to make it stop!
I find it really depressing.

My heart absolutely sinks when i round the corner and see my neighbour is waiting for a chat.

Reading all these messages make me feel stressed out because I have a friend that TALKS about her family all the time and never ever asks about mine. But I do not go out to talk about my family I go out to talk about anything and everything. Another friend is meeting up next week with us but she seems to be ok to sit and listen. I am dreading it PLEASE give me some advice before next week ladies on how to get through this.

I could have written the post by Mauriherb. After I made contact for the third time with so called friends I gave up, obviously they do not care about me.

I have another friend who keeps repeating the same stories from years back every time I see her. I try to butt in say is that when so and so happened, but she just carries regardless. I find the whole thing exhausting and to be honest put off seeing her.

I cut out 3 so called friends for this very reason in January ( New Years resolution). I was the one making all the contact and arranging to meet up, then when we did the chat was about them the whole time. So I decided to stop wasting my time on people that didn’t care about me, I stopped contacting them. Spend my time and energy on friends that nurture a friendship like I do.

Yes several like that. One always turns any topic to herself immediately and sometimes starts going through her phone while we are in a café. She didn’t invite me to her 75th because I had previously stopped acknowledging her birthdays, with cards, cake etc. she doesn’t even know when mine is! She is an actress so I tolerate it as part of her.

My neighbour will say "So, I asked the kids what they wanted for breakfast.... so E wanted weetabix, I made it for her in the blue bowl.
D wanted egg on toast, so I used his red plate. Put his egg in the pan (with some oil)
E wanted a jam sandwich, so I buttered the bread, spread the jam, and said "Right you kids, wash your hands, then up to the table... so they washed their hands and all sat at the table...."

Meanwhile my eyes glaze over. There is no point that she is getting to, sadly.