Gransnet forums

Chat

Friendships one sided

(78 Posts)
golly67 Tue 25-Aug-20 18:32:31

Am I too sensitive or silly?
Has anyone else experienced the situation where your friend never asks about you or what your news is, even though we’ve been through a lot together over the years.

I seem to be surrounded by this problem lately. I wonder if I need to accept that they need to unload and not to take it too much to heart.

Illte Tue 25-Aug-20 18:53:23

I have a friend like that. The thing is the drama and muddle of her life is sooo entertaining, I don't mind (mostly) 😬

MissAdventure Tue 25-Aug-20 18:55:06

I suppose it depends if the friend is in need of support, and is unable to reciprocate for now, or if things have always been one sided.

Nonogran Tue 25-Aug-20 20:21:03

I am sooo glad I am not the only one who has to put up with some friends & indeed, a relative who never ever, takes a breath to ask after me or my family. If they learn anything about my life, news or worries at all it's by default. With regard to my cousin, I could be phoning her with bad family news but she would never know because she immediately launches into what's been affecting or happening to her, her husband or her child. I could easily hang up without ever really having an opportunity to say why I've phoned. It's quite maddening and I often leave the company of these people feeling deflated and sad. I like them but I don't enjoy their selfishness or disinterest is me or my world of family, activities and anything else I'd like to share.

Oopsadaisy4 Tue 25-Aug-20 20:24:07

I phoned my cousin to tell her that my brother had been found dead by Police, she said oh dear and then launched into her DHs problems with his hearing.

Not spoken to her since.

MissAdventure Tue 25-Aug-20 21:06:35

There was a similar thread a while back.

I have two neighbours that barely wait until I'm in the door before they are telling me all about every single minute of their day. (Neighbour 1)

Neighbour 2 tells me how she feels like killing herself since her husband died, and they both run each other down, loudly.
Happy days!

Furret Tue 25-Aug-20 21:29:35

I don’t call those types friends. Friendship is give and take and that can’t be taught.

Nana3 Tue 25-Aug-20 22:02:48

Oopsadaisy
So sorry for your loss flowers

lemongrove Tue 25-Aug-20 22:21:38

I do know one person like that, she doesn't phone often but when she does I get the full hour of her problems ( no worse than mine or anyone elses I shouldn’t think.)😁
I don’t really mind, as I can do other things if I prop up the phone next to me, do my nails or check email etc whilst now and then saying ‘oh dear’ or ‘you poor thing’.

CanadianGran Tue 25-Aug-20 22:29:07

I have similar experiences; perhaps I will go down in history as a good listener.

I have a friend with 3 sisters that are constantly bickering. I actually find it quite entertaining when we do see each other, which is only a few times a year. Getting caught up in her family gossip. I don't think she could even name my sisters!

Nortsat Tue 25-Aug-20 22:38:59

We have a friend who goes on and on and on about the minutiae of his life and never asks about anyone else.
He’s a kind man who would help anyone but he just has no concept of conversation as an exchange. To him it’s a one way street!

He is such a bore ... poor man and I don’t know how his family put up with it ...

V3ra Wed 26-Aug-20 00:25:28

Phone calls with my Mum were like that, notably involving detailed accounts of every course of the many meals she and Dad had been out for.
When I finally got a chance to start telling her our news she'd decide we'd talked for quite long enough and she really should get on with something useful.

welbeck Wed 26-Aug-20 02:39:01

a neighbour rings her sons and tells them everything she does, including what she eats.
one of them then tells her off for eating fish n chips.
suggestions that she not tell him so much are ignored.
i have now distanced myself.
many other more serious issues. fraught. complicated.
she's the one who fires questions at the GC. glad i don't have to hear it all any more. was doing my head in, as they say.

Dibbydod Wed 26-Aug-20 09:03:27

I had a friend of many years just the same . She would invite me over to stay the night so we can have chat to catch up and couple drinks , problem being that all evening I’d have to be listening to her and what’s been going on in her life, but, when I’d finally get a word in about what’s been happening in my life, she would always excuse herself by having to go to the toilet , or have to go into kitchen to get something ect ect then when she would eventually reappear, instead of continuing where we left off she would start a new conversation about herself again .....I don’t have much to do with her anymore as to me, that’s not how a good friend should be . A good friend is there to listen to what you have to say as well as telling their own stories .

eazybee Wed 26-Aug-20 09:14:10

I know a Headmistress who got across with her staff, badly, and one of their chief complaints , to Ofsted no less, was that 'she never asks us about our families, but tells us all about her own. ' True, and she still does, but scarcely an Ofsted concern.

Mauriherb Wed 26-Aug-20 09:14:59

I live alone so during lockdown I made a point of ringing around to check on friends and family. Like others, I found that some people never asked how I was and it soon became clear to me that some never actually rang me . I've decided not to bother with some, life is too short and I have a number of good friends with whom I have a 2 way relationship. I'm sure the others will ring when they want something!!

Moggycuddler Wed 26-Aug-20 09:15:28

I used to have a neighbour who was like that, for 20 years. I talked to her (and did odd jobs for her) every day. She would prattle on for ages about her little aches and pains and how she'd bought new curtains etc. Never listened to or took in anything I said to her about me. I used to feel like - if I told her that I'd just been diagnosed with a week to live or I had to have both arms amputated, she'd just have said "oh dear" and then continued rabbiting on about Coronation Street, or her ingrowing toenail or something. Very annoying!

Lancslass1 Wed 26-Aug-20 09:16:18

I have a friend like that who always starts by saying she is phoning to see how we are but then launches into a long conversation about her family and folk I don't know.
I usually put the 'phone on speaker phone and do something else whilst she is talking.
I decided once to tidy the desk drawer and spilt a bottle of ink on the carpet!
Served me right.

LuckyFour Wed 26-Aug-20 09:17:09

I know someone exactly like this. She talks about herself all the time, especially about how much her husband loved her (he is deceased) how much her family love her, everything she has done. The same stories come out again and again. She might occasionally say how is X (my daughter) but doesn't bother to listen to my reply, just launches into telling me how wonderful her daughters are. She lives alone and likes to socialise but she has always been this way, and she spoils every social gathering.

Aepgirl Wed 26-Aug-20 09:22:24

If a ‘friend’ doesn’t ask about you, he/she is not a true friend. Friends care about each other, and are always there when needed, as well as sharing the good times.

Kim19 Wed 26-Aug-20 09:22:38

Think we're confusing friends with acquaintances here.

Davida1968 Wed 26-Aug-20 09:28:26

I had a friend like that (she was a colleague) but in recent years I have stopped seeing her. Every time we met, I received hours of her accounts (this is absolutely true: it got so that I timed it) and she never once let me get a word in. (Not even to ask about what she was saying!) I decided that I'd had enough and I have consciously "dropped" her, because I couldn't face it any more. I came to the conclusion that she wanted an audience, not a conversation - and I was no longer willing to be that audience.

luluaugust Wed 26-Aug-20 09:30:07

I think I am down in history as a good listener and it has got far worse in lockdown, so much so that I have limited how much I phone some people. One friend always asks about my children rather than me I guess they lead far more exciting lives than I do.

downtoearth Wed 26-Aug-20 09:36:41

I seem to have this problem too,admittedly my family is very small,and we do little of interest,or so it would seem.

Two are close friendshmm

One an ex neighbour,the phone now goes on speaker for duration as I throw in a few oh dears and fancy thats.
My brother will talk over me,and then ask if I am still there....yes I say,I am riveted and listening hardgrin

Have lately come to realise that my purpose is to ask and listen ,say hello and goodbyegrin

jaylucy Wed 26-Aug-20 09:41:21

I think it may be worse right now because people have had to spend so much time on their own and really have not had much contact with the outside world, so their "news" is the only thing that matters!
I'd just let them rattle on and get it all out of their system!