Thanks, Rufus2, copying to my favourite Master Mariner!
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Battle of Trafalgar
(40 Posts)Battle of Trafalgar (Updated)
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations, and they won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy at the moment knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently "abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."…. " That's how you got the job".
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such shite. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your high visibility vest; it's the rules".
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."
That post wasn't meant to go here. iPad jumping all over the place ?
Let's hope there was/is something about you and your husband that they found equally offensive.
A Queensland winter is probably better than a British summer (but you knew that) ?
Admiral Lord Nelson planted his acorns in 1802 and pesky grey squirrels werent introduced until the 1870s.
Red squirrels are fine, in fact I think some are even called Rufus!
Nelson planted 30 million acorns in the Forest of Dean
Callistemon So what happened to all the squirrels? ]
I remember walking through a shopping centre in July
Do you mean to say you forsook an English summer to be in a Queensland winter? Although, having sampled both, I'd have to agree!
OoRoo
Nelson planted 30 million acorns in the Forest of Dean, as the country was short of oak timber to build ships.
By the time they were half grown, ships were being made of iron and steel.
I don't think he planted them all personally
This is from Pussers Bar on Tortola. Nelson was based in the Caribbean during his career.
Tell him that we also have "Christmas in July" down here for expatriate tragics who must have their traditional fare in mid-Winter
I remember walking through a shopping centre in July with Christmas music playing, all the trappings of Christmas around.
It was depressing.
Greyduster
He only gets it at Christmas, Rufus. The rum, I mean!!?
He only gets it at Christmas, Rufus. The rum, I mean!!?
Greyduster I see!; but surely he gets more than that in his Christmas stocking!? Anyway, after a couple of tipples he probably wouldn't be up to anything!
Tell him that we also have "Christmas in July" down here for expatriate tragics who must have their traditional fare in mid-Winter, albeit without snow; although you don't see many White Christmases these days either!
Cheers
Loved this! Thanks Rufus.....??
Brilliant, ??
I think we only have Pussers' normal!
Well, no-one else drinks it - he offered a tot to both DS and SiL last Christmas. They didn’t speak to him for a while. Not because he had caused offence, but because they were simply unable to speak!! Strong stuff!
Surely a tot on Trafalgar Day would be in order, Greyduster! And another to commemorate the loss of the tot on 31st July.
New Year? And on The Queen's birthday?
He wouldn't want the bottle to hang around for years, it could go off.
Cheers ?
He only gets it at Christmas, Rufus. The rum, I mean!!?
Thank you Rufus. Needed something to make me laugh. DH is Also chuckling away as he is sending it to work colleagues under subject matter “Hello Sailor!”
Excellent Rufus, I really enjoyed that.
DH is very partial to a drop of Pussers Gunpowder!
Greyduster Never heard of it, but it's good to learn something new every day!
DH is obviously a man of good taste; a 700ml bottle here of 54% alc. costs $100 + $10 delivery!
Is it taken with or without an extra dash of gunpowder? If the latter he could sound like Major (you've done me a power of good!) Bloodnok!
Cheers.
Great stuff, Rufus! Wot! No rum? DH is very partial to a drop of Pussers Gunpowder!
I've just tried to read it to the OH. I can't get past the disability card bit. Tears pouring down my face.???
I'm sending it to all my sailor friends.
Thank you Rufus.
Wonderful ??? I'm a big fan of Horatio. I've got his picture on my 'nautical wall' and I've visited Cape Trafalgar.
I have 2 shipwright friends who have been working on Victory for ever and ever ( a long time)
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