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Battle of Trafalgar

(39 Posts)
Rufus2 Wed 02-Sep-20 14:22:24

Battle of Trafalgar (Updated)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations, and they won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy at the moment knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently "abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."…. " That's how you got the job".
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such shite. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your high visibility vest; it's the rules".
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

Namsnanny Wed 02-Sep-20 14:42:12

grin Rufus I haven't seen this before!

Jaxjacky Wed 02-Sep-20 14:52:55

Cheered up my grey, damp afternoon πŸ™‚ thank you Rufus2

pollyperkins Wed 02-Sep-20 14:53:08


Blinko Wed 02-Sep-20 14:56:22

grin grin grin

Oopsminty Wed 02-Sep-20 14:58:14

What jolly japes!

Thank you, Rufus2

fatgran57 Wed 02-Sep-20 22:25:56

Good one Rufus2 OH and I enjoyed this - he is a long time Nelson fan and my birthday is 21st October grin

Jane10 Wed 02-Sep-20 22:39:45

Excellent. Did you write this Rufus2?

Callistemon Wed 02-Sep-20 22:52:52


Incidentally, the rum ration (the tot) was stopped 50 years ago on 31st July 1970

Squiffy Wed 02-Sep-20 23:49:08


Jane10 Thu 03-Sep-20 09:48:34

Was that a particularly disappointing day for you Callistemon?!

Callistemon Thu 03-Sep-20 09:53:24

Not me but someone near and dear. πŸ₯ƒπŸ˜

Parsley3 Thu 03-Sep-20 10:26:28


Rufus2 Thu 03-Sep-20 12:14:58

Excellent. Did you write this Rufus2
Jane No! Taped it! I was embedded with the crew of HMS Victory, but unfortunately took several rounds of grapeshot (had to concentrate typing that!), which probably explains these recurring headaches and hallucinations!
Shots of vile rum only made them worse. hmm

Jane10 Thu 03-Sep-20 12:44:19


MerylStreep Thu 03-Sep-20 12:58:26

Wonderful πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘ I'm a big fan of Horatio. I've got his picture on my 'nautical wall' and I've visited Cape Trafalgar.
I have 2 shipwright friends who have been working on Victory for ever and ever ( a long time)

MerylStreep Thu 03-Sep-20 13:05:37

I've just tried to read it to the OH. I can't get past the disability card bit. Tears pouring down my face.πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
I'm sending it to all my sailor friends.
Thank you Rufus.

Greyduster Thu 03-Sep-20 13:07:46

Great stuff, Rufus! Wot! No rum? DH is very partial to a drop of Pussers Gunpowder!

Rufus2 Thu 03-Sep-20 13:39:51

DH is very partial to a drop of Pussers Gunpowder!
Greyduster Never heard of it, but it's good to learn something new every day!
DH is obviously a man of good taste; a 700ml bottle here of 54% alc. costs $100 + $10 delivery! confused
Is it taken with or without an extra dash of gunpowder? If the latter he could sound like Major (you've done me a power of good!) Bloodnok! grin

felice Thu 03-Sep-20 14:13:30

Excellent Rufus, I really enjoyed that.

25Avalon Thu 03-Sep-20 14:41:17

Thank you Rufus. Needed something to make me laugh. DH is Also chuckling away as he is sending it to work colleagues under subject matter β€œHello Sailor!”

Callistemon Thu 03-Sep-20 15:22:07

I emailed it to The Admiral.
I hope he enjoys it (photo taken before his promotion btw in case anyone notices)

Greyduster Thu 03-Sep-20 15:25:02

He only gets it at Christmas, Rufus. The rum, I mean!!😁

Callistemon Thu 03-Sep-20 17:32:28

Surely a tot on Trafalgar Day would be in order, Greyduster! And another to commemorate the loss of the tot on 31st July.
New Year? And on The Queen's birthday?

He wouldn't want the bottle to hang around for years, it could go off.

Cheers πŸ₯ƒ

Greyduster Thu 03-Sep-20 18:19:35

Well, no-one else drinks it - he offered a tot to both DS and SiL last Christmas. They didn’t speak to him for a while. Not because he had caused offence, but because they were simply unable to speak!! Strong stuff!