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A plea on behalf of all the caregivers out there

(10 Posts)
Nanamar Thu 15-Oct-20 19:06:42

I am the caregiver for my husband who has Stage 4 Adenocarcinoma. It’s been a tough couple of years - in and out of hospital, multiple changes in treatments, insurance issues, etc. I manage our entire household alone as well as all his medical needs. What I’m pleading for is acknowledgement that, as welcome as family and friends visiting may be to the inflicted person, they are not necessarily welcome to the caregiver. After all that we do, having to be a gracious hostess to those who want to see our loved ones, plop themselves down for a few hours in our home, then leave feeling good about themselves that they’ve visited, can be just one more task for us. I know I sound grumpy but hope that venting on this site is safe. Thanks for listening!

welbeck Thu 15-Oct-20 19:17:03

i have heard the same thing from at least one other person.
if someone is very aged, frail, or seriously ill, a short visit is best, if appropriate to visit at all, and with as little fuss as possible. it can be an added stress being polite. it's not that visitors mean any harm, but it's a bit like having to protect children from the hard facts.
most people do not understand what is involved in caring for a person who is disabled or very ill.
unless they have done it themselves.

tanith Thu 15-Oct-20 19:20:28

I second that Nanamar supplying endless cups of tea and making sure they didn’t overstay the patients focus and stamina, very wearing.
I salute you for keeping going in trying circumstances flowers

merlotgran Thu 15-Oct-20 19:29:44

I'm another one who knows how you feel, Nanamar. It's mentally and physically exhausting.

aggie Thu 15-Oct-20 19:33:32

When I was a caregiver I loved visitors , it distracted OH so I could have a quick run up the street to the shop , some got to know to put the kettle on , others managed to distract me with civilised chat .
There were those who acted like visitors sitting waiting to be served ! Least said ...
Anyway I do miss visitors now and am so glad poor OH has gone to his rest and doesn’t have to suffer all this stuff at the moment

PinkCakes Thu 15-Oct-20 19:49:22

Having worked in the care sector for many years, I've seen how stressful and difficult is it for people who have to look after someone 24/7. It's hard work for them.

My brother is now caring for his wife (plus everything in the home) as she's in the early stages of dementia. I live 10 miles away and work, but I visit twice a week and take my sister-in-law out for a few hours, to give him a break.

I take my hat off to anyone who cares for a spouse/family member.

kittylester Thu 15-Oct-20 20:01:25

Nanamar, I hope you gave claimed Attendance Allowance so you can buy some help in.

Judy54 Fri 16-Oct-20 17:08:13

I totally agree Nanamar the polite thing to do would be for visitors to call first to see if your Husband is up to a visit. Most people only think of the Patient and not the Carer and the endless tasks they have to undertake whilst still expected to supply tea and sandwiches for Visitors. They need to understand that they are not the only people who want to visit, it is not about them it is about you and your Husband and what is right for you. You are most definitely not being grumpy and you should be proud of what you have done and are continuing to do flowers

welbeck Sun 18-Oct-20 23:13:47

when someone is severely disabled, or sick, visitors should know better than to accept any refreshments.

Grandmafrench Sun 18-Oct-20 23:23:08

Calling first to establish how the patient is on any particular day, being aware that sometimes a visit is not the best idea, giving some notice of a proposed visit, never expecting hospitality, tea, coffee and a running buffet - but maybe offering to sit, entertain, or to simply take over from the carer for an hour or two if appropriate, just so that one is not imposing, would be a great way to become a welcome visitor for both the patient and the carer.