I don’t know if I’m overreacting

It took me a very long time to realise that expectations of others lead to disappointment!

You can’t change the behaviour of others, you can only change how you decide to react to it.

So if you are feeling unappreciated, back off! There are plenty of people out there who do appreciate what you do. But sometimes our children are Norma amongst them. ‘The more you do, the more you may do’ is an old saying. People take your efforts for granted. We have produced these self centred children. The ball is I. Your court. Don’t be so available and exercise your asking muscle! If you appear strong and capable it can be that your children don’t think you need help.

I had to cancel a day's babysitting (and rearrange) because I had a scan (for a lump). Although I wasn't worried (despite having cancer not long ago), it would have been nice if son and d-i-l had asked how it went. Nothing. I sometimes wonder if it's a living in denial thing, because they can't entertain the idea that mum can get ill. Or just way too busy. Or some other reason. Hurts, but we love them regardless.

Not got any advice really just hope your feeling better . It does seem like the more you do for AC the more you are expected to do . Everyone gets poorly from time to time so your DD should have a back up plan in place. Maybe she’s frantically trying to sort something and will ring to see how you are later ? I hope so x

I am sorry but I think this behaviour is just downright ill-mannered, selfish and unkind and if these “children” continue being excused and getting away with it no wonder they are like that in the first place

Firstly Feclar I hope you are feeling better today. I wonder have you received the result of your Covid test? If not then I feel that you should tell your daughter that you have to self isolate until you have the result as you want to protect her and her family. If you've received a negative result but still feel poorly then, as others have suggested just tell your daughter firmly but pleasantly that you are really not up to looking after the children but you really miss them and you're sure you'll be better soon, say I feel bad about letting you down but I'm sure you understand.I'm afraid that, to our children, we are indistructutable and, sadly, they often only realise that when it's too late.

I think its true our older kids dont realise that we too must be getting older if they are! I have debilitating osteoarthritis and a few other medical problems but because im only 57 and try to 'still be on the go' as i live with my 2 youngest sons, and do a good bit for them too as they have some disability/medical conditions, i dont think the older ones realise how sometimes i just AM finding things harder sometimes- but when i was very ill last xmas& new year and had to stay in bed i think it came home to them a bit as my 2 sons (17& then21) had to ring them for advice on how to cook xmas dinner& let them know they'd rung 111 who then sent ambulance for me (twice) as i was so ill - (rest of AC dont live near us)then when i was well enough to phone them i was coughing all time& sounded weak so i think they finally got the realisation im not infalible! (turns out was probably undiagnosed covid our g.p' s nurse said later in year!)

I know exactly how you feel. I cover the day care for my DD upto 2 days a week. I do enjoy it but it has at times been tiring while they were under 2. Now 7 and just over 2 it’s a little easier. In Feb this year I was really poorly with a chest infection and then contracted shingles and felt absolutely awful. At the same time my DH fell off his pedal bike and ended up with major trauma to his face ( still ongoing) and a broken elbow. It was just a rubbish time. I thought that she was ok about it as I said no as shingles could pass on to little one who may get chicken pox. Some weeks later I saw on her kitchen table a sheet of paper that were obviously her notes for her counselling session and our illnesses were there along with her hubby not being able to take time off so she could work. her thoughts were there. ‘ I feel let down’. I didn’t say anything but it really stung. I decided not to say anything because I knew she was having counselling for severe depression and psychosis following the birth of her second. She has come a long way and I thought well a counsellor would discuss those feelings and put them in perspective - we hadn’t let her down we were ill. But it still hurts. Lockdown was hard and I spoke to a counsellor for a whirl about my relationship with my DD and I now just say I don’t feel well or I can do this but not this when she asks. But it still hurt.

I really 'feel' for you. It seems it just hasn't crossed your daughters mind that you might feel vulnerable, unwell, disappointed.

I recently told my daughter how disappointed I felt, especially at this time, that her care or concern seemed non existent. Not a pleasant
('phone) call but I got it off my chest! Perhaps we are too helpful! I've stepped back from all child care now.
The plus side is that I've not had a chest infection since lock down as no constant snotty noses to wipe!

I never subjected my old mum to this malarkey.

Good luck with it all. Its so disappointing ?

Yes certainly mums are never ill!
I remember when I came out of hospital after being treated for a bleeding ulcer - the furthest I had walked while in hospital was literally a few feet to the toilet and wash room 2 days before I was sent home.
My son came and picked me up and when we got back home, his friend had turned up for a games night!
I was left at the car while they walked to the house - only about 200 yards , but might as well have been a marathon ! When I finally got in the house, I asked my son to make me a cup of tea and the fuss that he made about not doing it myself, you wouldn't have believed!
Still, got my own back in a way - the way he felt after his first blood donation - light headed, feeling nauseous, almost exhausted- I told him that was just how I felt that time.
However we bring them up, most , because they don't realise, bring out an uncaring side.
You need to explain to your daughter just how you feel - it just may be that because she has had to deal with the childcare etc unexpectedly, that sh really hasn't thought about you plus no doubt feeling miffed that you had changed the arrangements. Just the one line of "What would you do if I had been rushed into hospital ?" might bring he up short.
Hope you feel better soon.

My daughter always says she forgets how old I am (72) and still thinks of me as young. (I always thought of my mum as young, and it always surprised me when she got things like arthritis, or couldn’t get up from a chair quickly) Our children have no concept of growing old so just don’t get it. Having said that, my mum NEVER childminded or even babysat. She said she’d brought her children up and now it was our responsibility to bring our own children up. My grandma never minded me or my siblings either, even though we all lived in the same town. Old age is for peace and quiet and enjoying life... and visiting the grandchildren, because who knows how long we’ve got ? If you WANT to mind your GC then do it. If you can’t, or don’t want to, then don’t! I have my granddaughter in the school holidays occasionally but it’s by no means presumed, and it’s only when I offer. I visit them and they visit me and we stay in touch all the time.

It is hard to feel we are being taken for granted and not appreciated for all the times we drop everything to help out with childcare etc. My grandsons are now 13, 11 and 9 so things are a bit easier now but, I was often exhausted as I have medical issues of my own. Hope you feel better soon, try saying it is not possible for you to help out because of .......
every so often and be kind to yourself.

I know that feeling well , same happened to me last week ?

It is such a shame you feel hurt, I would think your daughter could be more caring. That said though sometimes they don`t think how you are feeling just how hard it is to sort childcare. You could think about dropping a few days childcare with winter on the way, this virus about and your age. I`m 65 and reduced childcare `duties` in March, didn`t go down well at the time but all fine now.

Azalea I think it might just be you who can't see your picture!! It's there (twice) for me!!

I bet your daughter is just having a panic about childcare and not wanting to stress you out and trouble you with it right now.

I do think sometimes children make a lot of assumptions about the strength of their parents until they see physical signs of problems and its probably not meaning too. That's the bond we are supposed to develop with them in childhood that parents should be there for their children's needs and sometimes that bond stays fixed as they become adults without taking steps to change it. That not necessarily what's happening here.

Reach out to her, tell her you feel a little better today but you need to isolate until you get your test result due to symptoms.

I really think you need some help to talk through your feelings after your son estranged so it doesn't impact your relationship with your daughter and you can feel more secure.

I am glad you are feeling a bit better but do isolate and rest until those results come.

Don't take it too much to heart. I think a lot of grown up children take our help for granted and don't consider that we might want some consideration when we are unwell. They are just used to us being there for them. I have often said to my husband that I only hear from the ones that don't live with me when they want something

I have sons and luckily have no real health problems [I'm 71] but do get the odd bad day when I feel rough, and have different niggles now and then.

My sons are both healthy, so have no idea what feeling unwell/having an operation for eg. feels like [bar the odd bad cold, pulled muscle etc]...and certainly no clue about how it feels to get older and feel the body changing. So I'm very glad about that. They have always thought of me as Superwoman, it's a family joke...apparently I can do anything, I am in this world for them, can do everything myself, not at all needy etc.! and they tell everyone that. And of course I am always there for them.

It's because I live on my own happily and am very independent, never ask for help so I have given that message out for decades now. I know they are not responsible for my health and welfare but if ever I have been in trouble in previous years they have both been there and attentive...it's take a stint in hospital to do that though! Just not the rest of the time.

I do however explain to them now and then if anything is bothering me health wise just so they are aware, to make then think a bit. And I let them know that if I can't see them or babysit etc it's not because it's what I want but that anything which stops me seeing them or the grandchildren upsets me a lot.

If I was you OP, I would take the above advice of saying you are saving them from harm, waiting for test results and anyway a period of self isolation should make your DD appreciate you much more. Do not mention your feelings or how hurt you are feeling, deal with it yourself or it could make matters worse. One day you may be able to communicate your own needs to your DD calmly, aside from this incident.

Fecklar, delighted to hear you're feeling a little better today. However, I think you owe it to your family and yourself to actually isolate until you have the result of your test. Better safe than sorry and a little rest for you will not go amiss. Good luck.

Applegran I hope that your test results are positive.

Leolady bearing in mind the ages of your GC, especially the 19 year old, can you not contact them directly. I'm sorry that they appear to be being turned against you but there's little if anything you can do.

Hopefully the memories of the time they spent with you before this happened will be enough for them to eventually see that what their father is saying has no basis in fact.

Fecklar: Well now you've got us on Gransnet to care! I think we've all felt at some time that we do everything for our children and they don't appreciate it, or realise that we have a life as important to us as their's is to them. I agree with the other posts that say tell your D exactly what you've told us. Can't believe she doesn't know, but it sounds as 'though she's so used to you doing what you do she's forgotten that we all like to be thanked sometimes or helped by them when we need it. Glad you're feeling a bit better now anyway.

Fecklar - Oh, yes, AC! Tell me about it. You are not alone. Hope you are feeling better today.

Azalea - love your pic.

I remember as parent of school aged children needing to be looked after while I worked, if a relied on carer dropped out I'd be thrown into chaos, searching for other chgildcare, fielding work and trying to get their Dad to come home and step in, as well as spending the next few days trying to catch up and return favours for whatever childcare I might have cobbled together at the last minute. It's the issue of being a working parent It's hard on both parties, must admit if you have minimised how ill you felt maybe I'd have put looking after you onto the back burner as well (not good behaviour but what stressed parents worried about keeping their jobs might do and I agree with whoever said 'Mums are never ill'). Do explain how ill and concerned you were that it was CV, for their benefit as well as your own. Big hug XXX

Some posts indicate to me parents being too readily available. My DD quite different! Had it been her she would be phoning for the ambulance before a word spoken. Joking apart, I am sorry you have not received a brief loving phone call.

Thank you for all your replies. I got to Sunday evening and even the next day with no contact. My COVID test turned out to be NEGATIVE. I texted my D to tell her and she texted back saying hurrah and how are you now? Then later I got an enormous text to say how stressed out she was with her and her husband working from home due to selling their home which has been a nightmare for her, her father dying earlier on this year and her and her brother having the task of emptying his flat and selling that plus the pressure of work on top she said she felt like she was going to have a breakdown. So of course I rallied myself and offered any help they needed. But mum I don’t want to put any more pressure on you she replied and so I said don’t worry about me I’m here to help and will do what I can etc. So I’m so glad I didn’t overrreact to how I was feeling myself. I had no idea all this was going on and I’m sure had I turned on her that might have been the last straw. As for the estrangement of my son he has done that to himself and I have reached out many times and been rejected so I don’t even go there. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in my feelings. I’m still unwell with this darn chest infection so hope to see a doc later today over it because it’s not budging.

You probably need ABs for a chest infection. Tell your daughter you have one and will be unavailable for at least another week, she can get along with her life knowing you are unavailable but tucked up safely for now. Tell her you will call her if you need anything ? probably make her feel better too.