I don’t know if I’m overreacting

The children we brought up and loved do not necessarily turn into super perfect adults. They may be selfish, thoughtless, mean and rude. Remember they are 50% their genes and 50% our influence.
Just because you’re related does not mean your adult children will adore you and consider you every day. Did you feel like that about your mother and did she about hers?

I just keep thinking 'doormat'. I'd never allow myself to be treated like the hired help!

If you are feeling put upon it might be time to start standing back and instead of putting your energies into childcare start to be a little selfish. I am in the exact same position as you as regards my DD. She never says thankyou even though I look after her children while she works and spend a fortune on giving them treats as well as helping out with essentials like shoes. Unfortunately I have had to accept that that is the way she is. After 5 1/2 years I am doing less and less. I want to see the children but I'm trying to see them when we can all have fun, rather than it being a chore.

Chewbacca

I think that our adult children sometimes forget, or lose sight of the fact, that we're getting older and not always able to do all the things that we used to do with such ease. If I was in your position, I'd tell your daughter how you're feeling; it may well be that she's just not realised.

Good post, that’s what I would do too.
Next time you are ill, really lay it on the line, don’t make light of it.

Hope you’re beginning to feel better Fecklar! Sadly the cost of living and pressure young families are under now impacts us all. My daughter often seems to resent that I didn’t work for a number of years when she and her brothers were young. However with no ready childcare for three young children, caring for three of our parents after my Dad’s death and going without a lot ourselves it wasn’t exactly a picnic!

What is AC and ADC please not on list of acronyms

Fecklar I do hope you're feeling better and that your Covid test proves negative. I can imagine how hurt you must be due to your D's uncaring attitude to you when you're unwell and you do so much for her and family.
I too with my DH do childcare for our DGC but they are always very appreciative for our efforts.
I would not undertake any childcare until fully recovered and had a chat with your D saying how you feel unsupported in your hour of need. I'm sure she will respond favourably.
Meanwhile please take care of yourself and get well soon.

When family depend on you for childcare when you can't deliver then they are under stress trying to manage. Don't be too hard but it would be nice to have a text asking how you are. Your DD should consider if you did have Covid then her family would need to isolate. That could be even more worrisome for her. Do hope you have a less horrid bug and you are on the mend. You have to look after yourself or you could be even more ill and for longer.

Azalea99

Sorry - the picture came out on the Preview!

Whatever that item is, I'm appalled at the casual sexism!

Its possible that the lack of child care has made them hyper busy. They don't realise we aren't as young as we used to be and we forget what it is like to have family and fulltime job.

Maybe try by telling her just how much you love her, but it has really hurt you and tell her why by .......repeating what you have said to us.

Leolady You might want to start a new thread about your worries as I think your comment has got missed by many who were answering the OP.

I think you can try to contact them directly as they are older and then it really is up to them when they are ready

I am so sorry about your situation and hope you are feeling better as each day passes.
You are doing the right thing by isolating until your test results are back, and I hope you get a covid free result.
When ill and alone it's easy to let things get to you more than usual.
I would ring her to see how she is, how she managed without you. I have a scheme with my daughters who live at opposite ends of the country and I live in the middle. They have such busy lives. We have a set time for a weekly phone call, and if I do not answer then something is wrong. If they don't ring then I ring them.
My health has taken a downward trend in the last two years and I can't travel like I used to. When my grandchildren were small I used to travel up and down the country to help out. I had to go for tests on my own too and know how that makes you feel.
I hope you are well soon and that communications with your daughter carry on in a good way. Best wishes to you.

As others said on here, we often have no idea of how much our adult children are juggling and trying to cope with. So, when they do not seem to care it can be that they are just so weighed down with their own problems, they feel that if they try to tell you they may break down .

Also, even adult children have a fear of their parents dying. The OP's daughter has lot her Dad this year already, can imagine that when Mum said she did not feel too well, or well enough to help out with child care, she must have experienced that serious knot of fear.
Glad it is sorting itself out a little more now - Do think as older people we can sometimes get a little selfish in wanting someone around to care particularly when we are already feeling quite low and depressed due to being unwell. Quite normal reaction that, but with those with young children having such a desperately difficult time at present, can be just the straw on the back of the camel!!!

Fecklar You could have sympathised AND told her that you too were also feeling awful, and even though your CoVid test was negative, you still seem to have this chest infection that is taking it out of you and "it's a good thing we have each other" and added "I can't do a lot to help in person until I feel a bit better, but I can talk to you over the phone and cheer you up." That wouldn't be turning on her - it would be supportive, and at the same time getting it over to her gently that you are not superwoman.

Parents who always say "Don't worry about me" when they are feeling tired and ill are in fact making it harder for their adult children to cope when (as is inevitably going to happen) mother's "just a little sniffle" turns out to be a terminal illness and they suddenly have to be as strong as mother has always been. It is also more likely that they will take longer to recover from that chest infection or whatever if they don't take care of it, and then find that it has become more serious.

My mother used to say (loudly!) if she found herself doing all the work while the next generation hung around "Wear the old ones out first, before you start on the new!" - many a true word is spoken in jest!

I am not suggesting you turn hypochondriac and moan to her a lot - but don't minimalise your own problems either. That does no good to either of you.

If you feel you risk giving serious offence to your daughter if you say anything, then it is better not to.

Why don't you phone her and ask how they are? Then tell her that you are waiting for the result of a Covid test, but are feeling a little better today.

Like you, I feel she should have phoned, but as she didn't,phone her instead.

Tell her when you expect the result of the test and that once you are better you will phone to arrange child care as usual.

I think you should just accept that this is how things are at the moment. Your daughter is probably fully extended emotionally and physically coping, and with you not being able to help she may feel this is the last straw. She may have insufficient emotional reserve to support you so she does not ring. She can't take on another problem if she is to keep going.

You need to look after yourself and when you are ready resume your support.

You probably need ABs for a chest infection. Tell your daughter you have one and will be unavailable for at least another week, she can get along with her life knowing you are unavailable but tucked up safely for now. Tell her you will call her if you need anything ? probably make her feel better too.

Thank you for all your replies. I got to Sunday evening and even the next day with no contact. My COVID test turned out to be NEGATIVE. I texted my D to tell her and she texted back saying hurrah and how are you now? Then later I got an enormous text to say how stressed out she was with her and her husband working from home due to selling their home which has been a nightmare for her, her father dying earlier on this year and her and her brother having the task of emptying his flat and selling that plus the pressure of work on top she said she felt like she was going to have a breakdown. So of course I rallied myself and offered any help they needed. But mum I don’t want to put any more pressure on you she replied and so I said don’t worry about me I’m here to help and will do what I can etc. So I’m so glad I didn’t overrreact to how I was feeling myself. I had no idea all this was going on and I’m sure had I turned on her that might have been the last straw. As for the estrangement of my son he has done that to himself and I have reached out many times and been rejected so I don’t even go there. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in my feelings. I’m still unwell with this darn chest infection so hope to see a doc later today over it because it’s not budging.

Some posts indicate to me parents being too readily available. My DD quite different! Had it been her she would be phoning for the ambulance before a word spoken. Joking apart, I am sorry you have not received a brief loving phone call.

I remember as parent of school aged children needing to be looked after while I worked, if a relied on carer dropped out I'd be thrown into chaos, searching for other chgildcare, fielding work and trying to get their Dad to come home and step in, as well as spending the next few days trying to catch up and return favours for whatever childcare I might have cobbled together at the last minute. It's the issue of being a working parent It's hard on both parties, must admit if you have minimised how ill you felt maybe I'd have put looking after you onto the back burner as well (not good behaviour but what stressed parents worried about keeping their jobs might do and I agree with whoever said 'Mums are never ill'). Do explain how ill and concerned you were that it was CV, for their benefit as well as your own. Big hug XXX

Fecklar - Oh, yes, AC! Tell me about it. You are not alone. Hope you are feeling better today.

Azalea - love your pic.

Fecklar: Well now you've got us on Gransnet to care! I think we've all felt at some time that we do everything for our children and they don't appreciate it, or realise that we have a life as important to us as their's is to them. I agree with the other posts that say tell your D exactly what you've told us. Can't believe she doesn't know, but it sounds as 'though she's so used to you doing what you do she's forgotten that we all like to be thanked sometimes or helped by them when we need it. Glad you're feeling a bit better now anyway.

Applegran I hope that your test results are positive.

Leolady bearing in mind the ages of your GC, especially the 19 year old, can you not contact them directly. I'm sorry that they appear to be being turned against you but there's little if anything you can do.

Hopefully the memories of the time they spent with you before this happened will be enough for them to eventually see that what their father is saying has no basis in fact.

Fecklar, delighted to hear you're feeling a little better today. However, I think you owe it to your family and yourself to actually isolate until you have the result of your test. Better safe than sorry and a little rest for you will not go amiss. Good luck.