Need Advice on how to deal with strange questions from Dad with dementia

My Dad had vascular dementia and we just went with the flow. He could be agitated at times and distraction techniques rarely worked then but were often helped by us bursting into song if only to get us through those moments until we could fathom why he was agitated(Hunger,thirst,pain,needing the toilet,frustration etc) and resolve it. There were moments of pure joy on his journey and moments of deep sorrow but My dear old Dad could still be loved which of course he was until we finally lost him.

Hi Bracken, when he says Death Certificate do you think he might mean his Will needs changing?
Just a thought!

No Vera I'm sure Loopyloo will agree it's ok to laugh.

We had so many funny incidents with my mum. Pouring gravy into her wine glass for one My mum laughed along with us, good for the soul - laughter.

loopyloo is it very bad to say that comment made me laugh?
Oh dear, sorry... ?

Yes, my brother said he was going to start doing his banking via the moon. When I said that was a good idea he promptly said not everyone was allowed to do it.

Try telling him that it is all in hand and you are sorting it out. Would this then refocus his mind onto something else? I have never dealt with dementia so have no experience. It must be so hard, good luck.

Lorelei What a lovely post and you did all the right things to keep your nan happy & peaceful. Well done you xx

Morning Brackens [I had a house with the same name]

My mum had Vascular dementia, she was sweet & child like, lost her speech after a few years. My dad cared for her for the first few years, then it became too much for him, in his 80s, so poor mum went into a , very nice, home. My mum was no problem, although she was double incontinent.

Others in the home would ask for their deceased loved ones, wives, husbands, mum & dad. It was best to just go along with their 'dreams' and say to them "mum will be home soon" etc.

Playing music, singing & showing old pictures all helped them. Saying 'so & so is dead' didn't help, just left them confusion & very sad. So you just have to play along with the 'story' & keep them happy in their own little make believe world.

I haven't read the replies, so I hope you get some good advise and I wish you much luck with your dear dad.

As an aside - I would advise all parents and grand-parents, like us- to talk to our adult children and make advanced directives about how we would like to be treated if and when we have advanced dementia. For instance how you would like to be treated if you became ill at this stage, or had cancer, or a stroke or heart attach, pneumonia, etc. It will make it so much 'easier' in so many ways, for your children to make decisions if and when the sad time comes.

We have both made sure our adult children are fully aware of our wishes in such cases.

I can't really add any advice to that given by others but didn't want to just read your post and run - I'd like to add my moral support to that from so many with experiences of caring for and loving people with dementia-type illnesses.

We both had grandparents that had dementia. My better half's nan would repeatedly ask him if he liked his mum's house (he grew up there, lived there all of his younger life) - after telling her the facts a few times and the question coming again he would say "yes, it's nice isn't it, what do you think of it" and let nan talk shit for a while discussing anything (not all relevant but hey ho). His nan also got very paranoid that everyone, including her daughter (his mum) and her husband, were stealing from her or thinking about stealing from her.

My nan went through a period where humour worked and she would giggle at her many delusions. We would answer some of her questions with 'love lies'. She thought my brother was one of our cousins (50-60 years older than my brother), she often thought I was my sister. She became dangerous indoors and we had to disconnect her gas cooker. Nan would talk to anyone pre-dementia and this continued during her illness. Once my cousin visited with her family, sat drinking tea for half hour or so then my nan said "this has been lovely dear, but who are you?" She would've invited strangers in. My brother handled things differently and used to make nan laugh so much she'd wet herself - then she would ask for help to clean up while having the raving giggles that this had happened. The only thing that remotely registered for nan was mention of her long-term lover (50-60 year relationship) - he had died from Parkinson's a few years previously but if I said "he's waiting for you" she'd smile and say "so I'll be with him again". Even in her last few weeks, I sat by her bedside, talking and she would only show any signs of recognition when he was mentioned. In the minutes before her death I told her she'd be with her lover, neither would have Parkinson's or dementia and they'd be young again and get to have their other life together etc. I like to think her troubled mind found some peace in my 'love lies' and fictional perfect afterlife. It hurt that she didn't always know me and who I was but I could cry later - what mattered was keeping her calm, peaceful and to ease all that confusion

I hope you can find some coping strategies and the support you need to help in caring for your dad. It is such a cruel illness that all anyone can do is try to be as kind and patient as possible. Please look into the links and agencies people have suggested - you need to look after yourself in order to best look after dad & for dad

@Bracken28 ... Oh, and if this was your first post here, welcome to Gransnet - people on this site tend to be quite supportive, so feel free to post if frustrated, need to sound off, ask questions, just have someone tell you it'll be OK etc

make him a fake death certificate ,only write not deceased yet.how about a memory box with photo's etc...humour him play along . say oh mum cant come back yet she's busy doing?? gardening /shopping ,she'll come back when she can.

Aneeba, my mother was the same, wanting to go home to parents who’d been dead 30 odd and 50 odd years - the house didn’t even exist any more. She’d say, ‘They must be getting old and could do with some help.’

By then I was very adept at ‘love lies’! I used to say I couldn’t take her today, because the roads were very icy/closed because of a bad accident/my car was being serviced/you name it, ‘But maybe we could go tomorrow?’
That always kept her happy, or at least reasonably contented.

Now and then I’d even add that I’d give them a ring later to make sure they’d be in, because, ‘We wouldn’t want to go all that way and find them out, would we?’

It was a bit scary how I could trot this sort of thing out, ad lib!

My mum died of dementia. I know just what you mean.
Don't try to put him right over questions. Just agree with whatever he says.
It's far far less stressful . Believe me.

As most people say, go along with whatever is being said. My mother had two types of dementia, double the joy, and towards the end of her life got very distressed wanting to go home to her mummy and daddy. I used to tell her I'd be taking her home very soon. If she persisted asking why not now, I'd tell her the car was being fixed and as soon as it was ready we'd go. Sometimes I'd say we'd leave after a cup of tea. When her dementia was less bad we could have a laugh about how her parents would be over 130years old now, but that facility for humour disappeared eventually. She died a few weeks ago and I miss her.

Bracken28

Oh how I feel for you!
I had this with my mother.
Eventually I came to the realisation that I would have to enter her world and even though I have a strong belief honesty it no longer served her as she did no live in our reality.
With questions about those who had died, usually her mother in my mother's case, I was able to say "She just popped int XX(local town) on the bus" my mum would never remember later to see if she were back. Similarly with quite illogical demands I would create a scenario that kept her happy. I might say to your dad for example about his death certificate "Oh I dropped it in at the Doctor's because it's not ready yet. He'll talk to you about it when he sees you."
I did not feel guilty about these lies because my poor mum could not live in our reality any more and it was more important to keep her from becoming anxious as she so readily did.

The Alzheimer's Society can be found on www.alzheimers.org.uk
I would definitely get in touch and see if you have a local group for Carers. I think they are wonderful.

God bless you and all who care for people with brain illnesses. I know how hard it is to see the person you know and love strangely changing and becoming distant. Try to be as accepting as you can. If our other organs can become ill such as heart or kidneys, then so can our brain. The brain is like the transmitter of the radio, receiving and sending out signals. Our loved ones are there somewhere but unable to make sense of the incoming signals or send out messages that express themselves as they did before. But we do what is best and right for them of course because we love them.

My MiL had dementia and I would go along with her esp when it was possibly a childhood experience. I would ask her open questions frequently about an orchard. Meanwhile my husband and his sister would correct their mother. After her death going though photos I recognised a few things she has spoken about. Go along with ‘situation’,reassure and some days some real gems maybe revealed.

Sometimes its better to go along with things saying things like “ we will sort it out on Monday “ He will have forgotten the conversation by then ..seem willing to deal with the problem , just agree with things it will be less stressful for you. Trying to make people understand they are wrong it bad for you and the person who has this awful illness,
let it go over your head.
My Mum was the same xxx

You do learn to talk 'love lies' My mum had Vascular dementia and I was forever making up 'lies' about various different things. She was always asking for her Uncle, who was like her Dad, and I would just say he had gone fishing (he had died many many years ago) and when she had her 'tea parties' and no one turned up I would suggest they had been round the day before and had got the dates muddled up. She forgot that my Dad, who had passed away was her husband and when she looked at his picture said what a nice kind man he was and couldn't believe she married him. She knew I was her daughter though. It was so hard but it kept her happy.
Talking Point in brilliant and there are many on there who are in a similar situation to yourself.

If possible just say that you have seen to his death certificate for him.

I don't think you will get anywhere with the common-sense approach.

Telling him all his papers are in order might just help. Otherwise tell him you are waiting for the registrar to get round to sending it back.

It is difficult, especially if you are dealing with this on your own, I hope you can get some help.

Jaxjacky My late father used to get very mad when my mum came out with crazy questions or statements. He was angry about her dementia, almost as if she was doing it deliberately and he was grieving for his lost companion! I noticed a big change in him when he finally accepted the situation and agreed with her, as you suggested further up this thread, instead of arguing. He began playing her favourite Nat King Cole albums for her and singing along. It helped and relaxed him to some extent.

My Father has Dementia..we have been told to go along with what he says...not to correct him....that will confuse him more. You yourself could speak to the 'Admiral Nurses' they provide specialist dementia support, guidance and practical solutions for Families 0800 888 6678 they work 09.00 am to 21.00 pm Mon-Fri and 09.00 am to 17.00 pm during the weekend. Or you can send an email to [email protected]

I had this with my uncle years ago. My mum was still with us then and she found it very hard watching her little brother with dimensia. He used to think she was his mum and I was his sister. My mum and him used to argue terribly because my mum kept telling him everything he was saying was wrong. I told her just to agree and go with the flow, that he wasn't realising what he was talking about, but she found it very hard. The worst thing was he started to swear a lot and my mum could not handle that at all, she was totally ashamed of him. He never swore in his life til that disease got the hold of him. Just go along with everything he says and if it was me, I'm probably being daft here, I'd type some kind of letter and pretend it's his death certificate just to keep him happy.

They say you should never argue with a delusion. When he mentions Mum just say that the doctor will see her later. As for the Death Certificate say that it's being amended and will be in his hands very soon.

It won't always work, of course. Sometimes he'll be angry and remind you that said that last time. They live very much in the moment so a breezy change of subject, "Shall I make a nice pot of tea?" can sometimes take their minds off something that's troubling them for a while.

I understand your difficulty as I've been there, as have many on this board.

My late husband had dementia for five years so I do understand your problem. It is hard having to answer the same question ten times a day but this is what is going to happen and I found the only way was never try to explain because two minutes later he will ask the same question again having forgotten the answer. Above all it is useless to say I told you that already because again they won't remember.

Just reconcile yourself to the fact that this is how dementia works and accept it. The person you knew is still there but altered beyond anything you could have ever anticipated. I used to remind myself "for better for worse, in sickness and
in health" and I knew that if the roles had been reversed my husband would have cared for me.

I don't know if this is any help to you but my mum had Vascular dementia and we had all these questions and assertions too. She often got upset because her mum (long dead) had phoned and accused us of stealing her money. My point is that as time went on this phase did pass and eventually she became very compliant. Just smiling at everybody. She died a few weeks ago and her last words were what a wonderful day she had had.