Absence of a thank you for gifts

If I give I’m only ever surprised when I get a Thanks to be honest. I take a lot of pleasure in giving and if posting I will check that it’s arrived no more than that. I’m certainly not looking for any gratitude, maybe I’m just different.

rowyn
but it does fester somewhere in my subconscious

I know! My niece and nephew, aged around 8 and 10 I think, had their last Christmas gift from me the year I called and was directed to where they were playing. Neither opened their mouths to speak to me. Not one word. I was a Primary School Teacher then and never had any difficulty with a shy or even traumatised child. Indeed I went on to become a Psychologist. This, I can promise you from knowing them all their lives, was spoiled bratism at its height. Rather than fester, something in me made me cut them off beyond polite conversation. One is now an alcoholic and has returned home to live with mummy, the other is the most selfish narcissistic female you could meet!

With all the fuss these days when a baby is due eg baby showers, moms to be groups surely a little thought to get some simple thank you cards isn't out of the reach of most. Yes, I think you are being reasonable to be upset. All the daughters' Moms could at least mention receipt of the gift to you.

One of my worst experiences was receiving return of my gifts given to my friend's two children. Turns out they weren't prepared to write a thank you note (good old days, eh?) so my friend decided to teach them a lesson. I was seriously unhappy. Never once in my life have I ever given a gift of any size with expectation of thanks. OK when it happens but no big deal. My pleasure is genuinely in the selection and giving. Oh yes. Sounds a bit sanctimonious but that's my poor wordsmithing. I only give to a select few but I do so enjoy it. Long may that continue.

Well, there is no excuse. My neighbours had a new baby one month before March lockdown. Difficult birth, fractious baby and dad needed back on overnights in a row as a Doctor. Mum still offered to pick up shopping for me and of course thanked me for my rather pathetic present!

The poor manners of children from good homes has been an ongoing conversation among my friends since our children left home. One friend drove a van full of privately educated young ladies to the depths of France one year following their A levels for a completely free holiday at her expense. She and her daughter's older brother cooked, shopped and slaved for them, driving them hither and thither for over a week then cleaned the gite and drove all the way back via tunnel to middle of England. Whereupon the young ladies turned their backs on her and went home. Not a word of thanks.

It's not so much the expectation of thanks, though. It's the reassurance that a present actually arrived. It wouldn't be difficult for the recipients to ask their relative mothers to pass on their thanks, at the very least.
And incidentally, it's not just a new trend. I religiously sent presents to my 2 nephews throughout their childhood ( in the 60s and 70s) and never once got a thank you or acknowledgment from them, or my brother or sister in law. Have never mentioned it, but it does fester somewhere in my subconscious.

give graciously or don't give at all. no expectations but pleased if I get a response! kindhearted gifts.

I’m with you on this, I think it’s down right rude and I’d be very disappointed by the lack of appreciation.

I would be irritated and it would be the last gift they received from me. However, I have two children who always wrote notes of thanks, and each has two children of their own. One family will always send a thank you note but the other .... and that one is particularly annoying because they are abroad and I want reassurance that the gift has been received. I usually wait a week or two and ask, you’d think they’d get the hint, but no!

Annoys the H* out of me too. The great-nieces/nephews are all celebrating 18th's at the moment so I send a token money gift with their card. I insisted on a response via the grandparents first time around (it arrived in a very grudging manner) but haven't tried to follow up on the later ones. No response ever received from any of the others. I did, however, get a lovely note from the granddaughter of an old friend whose family we 'adopted' as 'sort-of' extra children. Needless to say (why say it then?) all cards cease after the 18th now except for immediate family and they're not the best at remembering their etiquette either. I always used to ring my mother-in-law immediately on receipt of birthday money for my husband or myself as I was well aware that she would be very displeased if I didn't.
Old school manners obviously no longer hold sway. Just blame it on modern tech. and lifestyle then.
Hmmmm! not convinced.

It is bad manners not to say thank you, but I think these days one does need to accept that handwritten notes are going the way of the dodo.

No excuse not to have sent a text, though, if it's been some time. I was always taught you had 6 weeks, following wedding or baby.

I have many relatives on the other side of the world who would always send a gift for a wedding if we sent invitations. They would send baby gifts if sent a proper birth notice. My mother certainly expected us to write appropriate thank you letters, which was even harder since it had to be in their language, which was very much a second language to me, not my home language.

These days, if my MIL sends something for DS (7), I send a quick text saying it arrived safely, then DS sends an ecard to say thank you. He enjoys selecting nice ecards.

I also understand your point of view Tempest because we are in difficult times but it doesn't take long to ring someone and say "thank you".

I agree with you.

Give nothing more to these people.

I was also brought up to thank people and so were my children. I think, these days, a telephone call is sufficient.

So many reasons why things may not be all rosy after the birth of a baby to stop and find time to write thank you cards to anyone. I don't even remember opening presents all I could do was get dressed, breastfeed and keep my baby alive. I'm sorry you feel so furious. This reaction says more about you than the character of the new parents going through this pandemic and the birth of a vulnerable baby.

Saying Thank You, whatever the circumstances is only polite. Don't give them any more presents, simple!!

very strange!
We should have expected gratitude, as I understand you!
not even a single message in response?

I have recently received a 'ticking off' from an old family friend and who sent my son and his partner and large bundle of hand knitted items for the new baby (due in a month). She hasn't received a thank you. I have prompted my son but still he hasn't 'got round to it'. My friend doesn't use email or have a phone so it would mean sending a letter or card, not something this generation seem to do much of nowadays. Apart from the fact that the pregnancy has been fraught with complications, worries about the loss of the baby etc., my son losing his job and his partner's father having Covid, I do feel my friend is being a little insensitive but I am keeping out of it. I have apologised once on his behalf, told her the circumstances and will have to leave it at that. Yet again having to accept that my children are not perfect (ha!)

I have one niece, and in all her 50 years I have never had a thank you. She has one adult son so is hardly run off her feet. She works in IT so much quick and easy communication is open to her. My sister would be mortified to know because we were both brought up to write thank you letters, and we both passed that on to our daughters.

I've given up hope of ever receiving a thank you, but I will keep sending because she is my only niece (no nephews) and I love her.

I am sorry they haven't sent thank you notes - but like others I enjoy giving and don't mind much if I don't get thanks. Of course I like it if I do! And I made my children write thank you letters at birthdays and Christmas. But I think the culture is different for the new generations after us. I don't think I"d enjoy the giving much if it depended on getting thank you's. I would not want a rift with anyone over thank you notes.

I try very hard to remember that the younger generations don't follow all the rules of etiquette that we were subject to, but apparently I forgive, but don't forget. A dear friend was telling me the other day that it's her son's silver wedding coming up next month, and my first thought was "25 years without a thank you for their gift"!

When my GS was 18 I sent a check and card, i knew he had received it as the cheque was cashed but I did not hear anything from him. I did not have his email address etc, so I sent him an email via my son, I said 'I know you received the cheque and card as the cheque has been cashed and if you can't be bothered to say thank you then I can't be bothered to send you anything, don't say you don't have my address/phone number or email address because your Dad has all of them'. I did not hear anything so since then, he was 18 and is now 29 and married, I have not sent anything, not even a card.

You are not being unreasonable. In my opinion, as someone who grew up in very poor circumstances, I was always very grateful indeed when people showed kindness by giving me gifts for myself or my children. These days I always send thank you notes, however, I’m not too sure that then, I expressed thanks to everyone. Young people today, on the whole, are so used to the easy life, their wants being fulfilled by parents, that they don’t value things the way someone who has been poor does. I’ve given hundreds of pounds in wedding presents to the children of friends because they specified they wanted money rather than traditional wedding presents: NOT ONE HAS THANKED ME.

I agree it is hurtful. In our day we made a list of presents and ticked it off when a letter or phone call was done.
I made a beautiful scarf for my BIL's birthday. Never heard a thing. Had to ask my sister if it arrived. It hurts!
I also remember sitting down after Christmas as a child having to write 2 thank you letters a day. They had to be repeated if they were scruffy or there were spelling mistakes. I hated it!

It is very rude. I would have sent a hand written note and always had a supply of cards at home. However, I agree that emailing and texting is faster. If they don't have your email address then they should ask and find out. It takes a couple of minutes to send an email or text. Don't send them anything again. Buy yourself something nice instead!

I don't find it unusual sending a gift to the daughter of a friend inScotland it's what we do send a minding I would expect a thank you in some form Not thanking someone is just rude