Gransnet forums


Granddaughters father manipulating her

(20 Posts)
Windycaravan Fri 04-Dec-20 15:51:58

My daughter is separated from her ex due to domestic abuse . He has regular access to her but keeps buying her things when she visits . Its almost like he's trying to buy her things to get her to go there. Is this normal and has anyone seen this sort of thing .


Toadinthehole Fri 04-Dec-20 15:55:24

I have no experience of this directly, but surely, if he’s been a danger to your daughter, have the risks to your granddaughter been taken into account. Perhaps a visit to Citizens Advice would be appropriate.

travelnan Fri 04-Dec-20 15:57:37

"windycaravan" I am sorry but your question does not make sense. I think you have omitted some of your post.

Toadinthehole Fri 04-Dec-20 16:06:54

I think it made sense, but there wasn’t much information. Is this what you mean travelnan ?

Windycaravan Fri 04-Dec-20 16:21:32

Sorry I meant my granddaughter has regular visits to my daughters ex partner

Coolgran65 Fri 04-Dec-20 16:37:35

What age is your granddaughter. I think there comes a time when children see through this sort of thing.
As for an ex partner trying to manipulate children I’m sure it goes on and only your daughter (or you) know if he is the type.

Windycaravan Fri 04-Dec-20 16:45:04

Yes he's definitely the type . I saw it for myself when they were t sonogether . She's only 4 so she won't see it yet . He tells her he has presents for her . Its not right to bribe kids with presents and treats . They should be for birthdays and Xmas.

travelnan Fri 04-Dec-20 16:58:08

"windycaravan" Thank you fo your update it is all perfectly clear now. I feel sorry for your daughter having to see her little girl being manipulated like this. What a nasty piece of work.

Luckygirl Fri 04-Dec-20 16:59:43

When I was working it was very common for this to happen - Mum buys a bike, Dad buys a bigger one.........

petra Fri 04-Dec-20 17:02:28

Oh dear. My grandchildren get pressies and treats all through the year.

Windycaravan Fri 04-Dec-20 17:05:37

Thank you for your comments. Its hard knowing what he's like and hope she doesn't turn out like him . Interestingly when there is domestic abuse the fathers aren't deemed to be a danger to their children . Let's hope these experts are right . Truly believe that fathers shouldn't have access to their children if they have physically and mentally abused the mother , They don't deserve to be parents .

paddyanne Fri 04-Dec-20 19:21:43

Does he have previous for abusing the child?Is he a shouter ro does he hit her? Does she love him? Is she frightened to be around him?
If she's relaxed and happy in his company I would step back ,I'm sure your daughter will keep a close eye in any case but its not always the case that because he abused the mother he'll harm the child .In fact I think its common for the opposite to be true .Far from manipulating her he's trying to make her happy,obviously not in a way you approve of with presents but lots of single dads do the same .Its in his favour he wants to spend time with her,my ex SIL hardly sees his children ,by ex BIL told his two he couldn't see them again becuase his wife was pregnant..his children were 9 and 5!!

Jaxjacky Fri 04-Dec-20 19:34:29

If he’s been convicted is there an injunction on him to stay away?

welbeck Fri 04-Dec-20 20:09:29

i think it's quite normal for the absent or distant parent to buy goodies and gifts for their children.
it's quite understandable.
obviously you do not like him, if he abused your daughter, and i sympathise with that, but he still wants to parent his daughter, as much as he can.
GPs often shower GC with gifts and treats.
they want to make a good impression, express affection, be remembered fondly.
unless there is a court order against it, he is entitled to see his daughter, and this is not something to complain about.

welbeck Fri 04-Dec-20 20:11:32

what i mean is it does not amount to manipulating and is not a valid ground to complain about.

cornishpatsy Fri 04-Dec-20 20:17:15

Be pleased that your granddaughter is getting gifts and treats from her father.

I understand that you probably hate him for the way he treated your daughter but presumably a court has decided he is a good enough father to have unsupervised visits with his daughter.

MissAdventure Fri 04-Dec-20 20:28:31

I think it's quite normal, unless it's extreme or damaging.
Usually the parent who has the children less will be more lenient, and more inclined to buy treats, just because they don't want to spend the visit saying "No", and disciplining the child.
Plus, they don't live with the consequences!

Jaxjacky Fri 04-Dec-20 21:00:59

Sorry, didn’t read OP properly.

OceanMama Fri 04-Dec-20 21:09:36

I don't think it's uncommon for parents who are separated to buy more gifts if they don't have their children all the time. Especially the non-custodial parent. Especially if they don't have them very often. Maybe it helps them feel they are making up for their absence a bit? Maybe they indulge them more because they aren't a daily part of their lives and like to spoil them when they do have them? I wouldn't assume manipulation but, if this is what is happening, your GD will see through it in time.

What he did to your daughter is terrible and I understand you are angry and don't think he deserves access to GD. As long as he is good to GD and cares for her well, I wouldn't worry unless your daughter comes to you for support with any concerns. Easy to say but not so easy to do, I'm sure.

Iam64 Fri 04-Dec-20 22:08:00

Men who abuse the mothers of their children are abusing the child. Pre verbal children struggle to separate an assault on their mum from a direct assault on them. It’s emotionslly abusive to expose children to domestic violence. It isn’t true to say that domestic abusers aren’t seen as a threat to their children.
It is t unusual for the non resident parent to buy gifts, they have little time with their children and want them to enjoy special time.