What to say

In all this time of not contacting her, has she tried to contact you? If not, since maintaining contact with friends is a joint responsibility, she obviously hasn't missed your friendship so maybe you should just accept that.

I think it depends on how you feel she let you down.

Have you got past it? I think, if you would like to resume the friendship or at least express some sympathy, you could send a note to your ex-friend. What's the worst that can happen? She could ignore it.

She may respond positively and you could resume the friendship. As I said, it depends on why you fell out perhaps.

Exactly what Bluecat said!

I agree with Bluecat!

I have been estranged from my sister for years. When I was extremely ill, three years ago, my family asked if I wanted them to contact her. I said no - even if she responded, I didn't want her to visit me out of pity.

Your friend might feel the same. Getting in touch with someone just because they or a member of their family is dying doesn't really make them feel better.

As I’ve got older I’ve learned to forgive and not hold grudges. Phone and make amends. We can all let people down and we are all capable of selfish behaviour, but she was good enough to be a friend once so she can’t be so bad.

You put the phone down!!!????

I am sure that there were lots of other things you could have said than "I heard you were dying?"

Maybe you could have said who you were and asked to talk to his wife.

When my OH was teetering towards the end of his life it was so good when friends did not pussyfoot around.

'Let you down'? She murdered your cat? Or one of those things when you'd invested a lot in a social occasion and she just didn't realise how IMPORTANT it was?

If no-one actually died, get over it.

Kircubbin, I've sent a PM.

I only have one ex friend.
Someone I would have trusted with my life. No way would I contact her again as she eventually stabbed me in the back.
So no I wouldn't contact her again under any circumstances as I wouldn't want to resurrect the friendship. Reading this back this sounds harsh and dramatic. But it's my truth......

NannyG123

15:10kircubbin2000, I think only you can make that decision. You know why you stopped being friends. I personally would send a card saying sorry for loss. Then leave it.

Best not do that - the husband is still alive and able to answer a phone!

Not sure sending a card is the right thing to do. What if the husband opens it?

What a difficult time for both you and your (ex) friend. I think that a card or a letter is probably best, it gives your friend a chance to read, think, and reply if she wants to.

And yes, I completely understand why you put the phone down when the ‘wrong’ person answered, it can be quite a shock and logic doesn’t always apply then!

I found this website, which talks about what to say when you have an ill or dying friend or relation, some very helpful and non-judgemental advice here:

www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2018/terminal-illness-friend-advice.html

Hope this helps. ?

15:10kircubbin2000, I think only you can make that decision. You know why you stopped being friends. I personally would send a card saying sorry for loss. Then leave it.

None of us are perfect...maybe you let her down at some point and she never told you but continued the relationship?? I would send your ex friend a letter not a text. She can read it when she is ready...put it down and read it again until she decides whether she wants to contact you.

Ive also left it now as son is quite keen himself to get in touch. He used to work for them when he was a teenager.

I put the phone down because I couldn't think what to say. I heard you were dying?
I was never close to him and always found him hard to talk to as he is rather shy and grumpy, only talking to hubby about football etc.

Tricky one, I had to distance myself from someone I thought was a good friend some years ago but she had become increasingly rude and bullying. I'm not sure now if I would go back on my decision because of a sad situation. Do you want to revive the friendship and is this only out of your sympathy and kindness? It could backfire, sorry to be a harbinger of doom.

I also wonder why OP put the phone down?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

If you regret not having been in contact with her for so long because you felt she let you down, then write something along the lines of
" Sorry, I haven't been in touch for so long. Looking back I think I made a mountain out of a molehill then,

I would love to hear from you if you have the time.

I heard recently that your husband is seriously ill, so I want you both to know that I am thinking of you"

I would leave it at no contact your reason for ending the friendship hasn,t changed.

Whatever she did that made you feel let down must be put behind you if you are going to get in touch. Everyone deserves a second chance. Never mention it again.
Now she probably needs your friendship and you obviously still care about her so I agree with others a note or card to open the door for her.

If you felt that she let you down and she was no longer a friend , she is still that same person even though her husband is dying . Would you be willing contact her if you hadn't lot heard her husband was dying ?

Choose the words in your Christmas card very carefully - avoid ‘Merry’ and ‘happy’.
I wouldn’t’t send a text - so impersonal.