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What to say

(34 Posts)
kircubbin2000 Thu 17-Dec-20 15:10:53

I stopped contacting one of my old friends a few years ago when she behaved very selfishly and let me down.
I have now heard her husband is terminally ill and my son says I should ring her. I tried last night but he answered the phone so I hung up.
Should I try again and what can I say after so long?

Missfoodlove Thu 17-Dec-20 15:12:52

Write a letter.

petra Thu 17-Dec-20 15:15:15

Text her. Then she has the time to digest if she wants to talk to you or not.

kircubbin2000 Thu 17-Dec-20 15:45:22

Good idea, I'll add something on my Christmas card.

Mamma66 Sat 19-Dec-20 09:26:47

Send her a lovely card, less is more in terms of what you say, just leave the door open and say that you are thinking of her and would live to hear from her. Good luck 💐

Alioop Sat 19-Dec-20 09:28:20

Maybe send her a ' thinking about you' card and write something nice inside.

RosesAreRed21 Sat 19-Dec-20 09:29:11

Yes I would send a letter or text her. If you phone and she did answer she might not be able to speak freely if her husband is there. By sending a letter, card or text it will leave it to her to get in contact. I am sure she will appreciate your support

Riverwalk Sat 19-Dec-20 09:36:24

Why did you hang up the phone on the terminally ill husband?

It's awful to have someone hang up when you answer the phone!

Hetty58 Sat 19-Dec-20 09:40:19

Riverwalk, that's just what I was thinking. Why not just say hello and ask to speak to her? It's good to get back in touch, though.

Aepgirl Sat 19-Dec-20 10:19:40

Choose the words in your Christmas card very carefully - avoid ‘Merry’ and ‘happy’.
I wouldn’t’t send a text - so impersonal.

BusterTank Sat 19-Dec-20 10:37:01

If you felt that she let you down and she was no longer a friend , she is still that same person even though her husband is dying . Would you be willing contact her if you hadn't lot heard her husband was dying ?

LauraNorder Sat 19-Dec-20 10:44:51

Whatever she did that made you feel let down must be put behind you if you are going to get in touch. Everyone deserves a second chance. Never mention it again.
Now she probably needs your friendship and you obviously still care about her so I agree with others a note or card to open the door for her.

Albangirl14 Sat 19-Dec-20 12:08:45

I would leave it at no contact your reason for ending the friendship hasn,t changed.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 19-Dec-20 12:31:37

If you regret not having been in contact with her for so long because you felt she let you down, then write something along the lines of
" Sorry, I haven't been in touch for so long. Looking back I think I made a mountain out of a molehill then,

I would love to hear from you if you have the time.

I heard recently that your husband is seriously ill, so I want you both to know that I am thinking of you"

Jillybird Sat 19-Dec-20 12:35:41

I wonder why your son wants you to get in touch? She's your friend (ex) after all!
I am in a similar position (although my ex friend is divorced, he is still the father of her children). With mine, it wasn't a one-off it was the culmination of so many occasions of bad behaviour which set me against her and made me think that despite our long aquaintance and her many good traits, the bad behaviour outweighed them.
Your friend won't have changed since the incident which upset you. I don't see any reason to re-establish contact now.

Lucca Sat 19-Dec-20 12:43:27

I also wonder why OP put the phone down?

Cymres1 Sat 19-Dec-20 12:52:06

Tricky one, I had to distance myself from someone I thought was a good friend some years ago but she had become increasingly rude and bullying. I'm not sure now if I would go back on my decision because of a sad situation. Do you want to revive the friendship and is this only out of your sympathy and kindness? It could backfire, sorry to be a harbinger of doom.

kircubbin2000 Sat 19-Dec-20 13:04:57

I put the phone down because I couldn't think what to say. I heard you were dying?
I was never close to him and always found him hard to talk to as he is rather shy and grumpy, only talking to hubby about football etc.

kircubbin2000 Sat 19-Dec-20 13:06:39

Ive also left it now as son is quite keen himself to get in touch. He used to work for them when he was a teenager.

donna1964 Sat 19-Dec-20 13:18:18

None of us are perfect...maybe you let her down at some point and she never told you but continued the relationship?? I would send your ex friend a letter not a text. She can read it when she is ready...put it down and read it again until she decides whether she wants to contact you.

NannyG123 Sat 19-Dec-20 13:22:42

15:10kircubbin2000, I think only you can make that decision. You know why you stopped being friends. I personally would send a card saying sorry for loss. Then leave it.

BazingaGranny Sat 19-Dec-20 14:06:06

What a difficult time for both you and your (ex) friend. I think that a card or a letter is probably best, it gives your friend a chance to read, think, and reply if she wants to.

And yes, I completely understand why you put the phone down when the ‘wrong’ person answered, it can be quite a shock and logic doesn’t always apply then!

I found this website, which talks about what to say when you have an ill or dying friend or relation, some very helpful and non-judgemental advice here:

Hope this helps. 🌺

kittylester Sat 19-Dec-20 14:16:40

Not sure sending a card is the right thing to do. What if the husband opens it?

Riverwalk Sat 19-Dec-20 14:19:01


15:10kircubbin2000, I think only you can make that decision. You know why you stopped being friends. I personally would send a card saying sorry for loss. Then leave it.

Best not do that - the husband is still alive and able to answer a phone!

Teddy123 Sat 19-Dec-20 14:29:10

I only have one ex friend.
Someone I would have trusted with my life. No way would I contact her again as she eventually stabbed me in the back.
So no I wouldn't contact her again under any circumstances as I wouldn't want to resurrect the friendship. Reading this back this sounds harsh and dramatic. But it's my truth......