I`m worried...daughter`s 3rd marriage

Very wise boodymum, least said soonest mended and all that.?

daughter had a straight word with her dad, saying `I want you at my wedding to give me away!` he said, `Already done that twice and you keep coming back!¬

With a national lockdown looming, there may be no weddings at all.

I asked to think about making too many plans which may have to be postponed. I said she may be disappointed. She agreed.

We looked at 1920s wedding dresses on line together. It felt nice.

GrandDaughter is going to wedding. Not heard from grandson since he returned to uni.

Gonna just leave the subject alone for a bit.

Your DD should put her own DC first, even if they are adults. In your position I would be inclined to take their side. Your DD has form for poor choices and choosing new man when one of her DC is not even willing to attend wedding suggests she may be making another poor choice. Be careful not to enable her.

boodymum67 , would your husband write and tell your daughter that he gives her his blessing but his anxieties will not allow him to attend? Or however he wants to phrase it. I think the blessing is the most important thing for your daughter to hear especially if her own children are boycotting it.

My DD was engaged twice before she got married when she was 40. We regarded them lucky misses but she could so easily have married them. She has been married 4 years now and seems to be very happy.

Thank you for responding boodymum. That’s a good thing then, if your husband likes him. I think you just have to give it time, and hope this man is the right one. Your grandchildren know you’re there, so I don’t think you can do much more. We never stop do we, no matter how old our children are. I foolishly thought it would all stop once our children were adults ? How naive we were?. I wish you all the very best.

DiscoDancer1975

Hi, boodymum67. Out of interest, in your first post you say, “ we like the new man”. Who is the other person then? Presumably not your husband, who doesn’t want to go to the wedding. It sounds like your grandchildren have support from you, and sometimes it can be good for young people to see life isn’t always a bed of roses, although it does sound as if they’ve had a lot to put up with. Hopefully, this man will come up trumps, and things will improve. Make sure you take care of yourself.

I meant my husband. He does like our new son in law to be..but he does not like social occasions, eating out nor getting dressed up. Plus it will be away from our immediate area and he is a home bird. I'm not going to try to get him to go. He does know it will upset our daughter. He has always been a very
good father so it perplexes me.

I am on husband number 3. This is a very different marriage from the first two. It is long and happy. It just takes some of us longer to grow up than others. Your gc need to be encouraged to live and let live. They will also make mistakes and need some family support from time to time.

You are the elder and more mature of the family and surely have learned about people by now to a greater extent.

The best thing you can do for now is to keep an eye on the man who is to be your next SIL, without saying anything to your daughter. You know of her previous choices and what happened to those marriages, so it should not be difficult for you to spot similar tendencies in this third. You can bring up circumstances in conversation which might enable your DD to see through the cracks, but not in an obvious way, and not in a way she will immediately be defensive of him.

Do you know what your DD looks for in a man? Does she want companionship, sex, both, security in finance? Unless you know what she looks for in a marriage, it is difficult to know whether she will sink or swim in this one.

Does this third have similar characteristics to the others? It does not necessarily mean this one will be the same. Obviously she has not chosen wisely in the past, but perhaps she has learned to 'press the wrong buttons' so to speak and it is not all their fault. We can bring out the good in people as well as the bad.

Whatever happens, no one should make a commitment to another person if there are any doubts in the minds of either.

Sounds exhausting at our age! But I would go and keep everything crossed for third time lucky! Grandson sounds lovely.

Perhaps your daughter has benefitted from her experience and can now judge character more successfully.

I am on my third marriage together 27 years having had a daughter with each previous husbands, who both loved not only their own father but the other's father two. Sadly both dead but sorely missed by them and me. Marriages were not right but we all made it through, takes time. Hopefully your daughter's third will be happy like mine. All my grandchildren call him Step-Step, his choice as he wan't stepping in to real grandfather, just an add on. I am sure her children will be fine and after all if she is happy that will be a pleasure and relief to them as they go there own ways. They need to be free to fly not have the worry of an unhappy mother. You and your husband will be happy too. I hope he gives in and goes to the wedding both for her sake and yours. Good luck to the both.

Hi, boodymum67. Out of interest, in your first post you say, “ we like the new man”. Who is the other person then? Presumably not your husband, who doesn’t want to go to the wedding. It sounds like your grandchildren have support from you, and sometimes it can be good for young people to see life isn’t always a bed of roses, although it does sound as if they’ve had a lot to put up with. Hopefully, this man will come up trumps, and things will improve. Make sure you take care of yourself.

My adult son, and extended family, including my mother, my daughter's Grandma boycotted my youngest daughter's wedding.

Sadly, within a couple of weeks my mother died. Too late to make It up with my daughter.

Go to the wedding, those that don't wish t o attend may lose a very special occasion.

In all honesty its nobody else's business who your daughter marries whether it be her 1st, 3rd or 10th marriage. When I married my husband his 3rd marriage my 1st, people tried to warn me off telling me that this was his 3rd and that it wouldn't last my parents included. They decided they wouldn't come to the wedding and I said OK fine but that isn't going to change my decision, actually they did come to the wedding. We married and have now been married 23 years together 28. I couldn't of married a nicer person, we are happy and do most things together our interests are the same we have 2 grown up daughters AND my parents love him. I would say just leave the door open if you can't accept her decision.

There is always a third way- living together . Then they will see whether they are suited or not when the rose coloured specs are forgotten. Explain to her that although you like her new man you are worried and please to give it more time before she takes the big step of getting married. He will understand if he really loves her.

A lovely friend of mine married for the third time after two disastrous first marriages. She had three children, two by the first and one by the second. Her third marriage continues to be a joy and a great success, it can happen.

Your DH and her son are being short sighted, she will never forget that they didn't attend

That does work both ways! She has done things that they haven’t forgotten. She can’t then shrug her shoulders and say forget about the past and be happy I’m doing it again and expect everyone to jump for joy.

Why the need to get married? Especially after 2 broken marriages. Live together for a while.

Three marriages ... it seems to me that your daughter is looking for something and not getting it. Perhaps she should go for counselling. Even though this current fiance seems to make her happy, how different is he from the others before they got married? I do hope it's 3rd time lucky. My dad didn't attend my wedding, citing his anxiety about the children my black husband and I might produce. Over the years he softened and in the end felt my husband was the bees knees and they got on really well. But I never really forgave the hurt and difficulty he caused my mum. It's a good thing you are going - she is your daughter and nothing is worth damaging that relationship. If the wedding happens in these strange times, enjoy it, drink champagne, eat well, wish them happiness and ignore the self important spite of those who don't attend.

Btw. Has the new man in her life been married before, or have children?

Some people just aren’t suited to marriage, and make the same mistakes over and over again. The suggestion of attending a pre-marriage counselling course, if they are available right now, is a good one. Likewise waiting for a while would do no harm, and perhaps allay the childrens’ worries as they get to know the new man better.
If you could put these ideas to both of them, in a tactful way, perhaps they will consider the it. Otherwise, all you can do is support them all and hope for the best.

Your daughter is happy, you say the man in kind and caring, then that is all we could hope for in a daughter's choice, be happy for her and help her enjoy her wedding. Your DH and her son are being short sighted, she will never forget that they didn't attend.

Try before you buy? No need to rush into marriage these days is there?
However if your DD is determined to get married in times of Covid, you will just have to go along with it, no other choice really for you.I understand both you and the AC being wary of it all though.

I'm on my third marriage, the first two being absolute disasters. Looking back, I can see that I was not ready to be married either time despite being in one of the relationships for 7 years before I married him. I was also suffering from emotional dysregulation which made me hard to live with and knowing that, I put up with abuse because I didn't think anyone else would put up with me.
When I met my third husband, on the face of it, he was a strange choice too. We were given 5 minutes because everyone said that when I asked for Coq au vin, he would be asking for chicken in that red sauce. Actually, he is nothing like that, he is kind, well educated and will not be manipulated. My mother was horrified when he gave me the confidence not to be manipulated too! It is our 25th wedding anniversary this year and we have been together 28 years. We struggled the first couple of years as I found my way through the problems I had and I worried myself sick that I had made another mistake but I can honestly say he is my soulmate.
I would encourage your grandchildren to attend because if this is the marriage to end all marriages (in a good way) it will start it on a better note. Starting with conflict with other members of the family will spoil it. Encourage your daughter to listen to her children's concerns calmly and tell them why she thinks this is different this time. It may well clarify her thinking. If you get the opportunity, encourage your daughter to think about when she first had warning signs that her previous relationships were wrong. You don't have to make any noise about her current relationship but if you can get her thinking about the warning signs, she might think carefully about her future actions. However, you will have to tread carefully, remain calm and not get into an argument about her choices because you will just push her further into her current pathway.
At the end of the day, you just have to accept her decisions and decide for yourself whether you will be there to pick up the pieces. I found myself being bally ragged into telling my sister what I thought when she was making a very obvious bad choice to someone 20 years younger who just wanted a passport. She was insistent she wanted me to be honest and foolishly I believed her. Actually, she really wanted my approval and when I fell headlong into the trap, I think I started the ruin of our relationship which has never recovered. Being right was no consolation in the long run to any of the parties involved.