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I`m worried...daughter`s 3rd marriage

(65 Posts)
boodymum67 Wed 30-Dec-20 12:15:12

I am doing my best not to say the wrong thing. Our daughter has just announced her 3rd up coming wedding. She is so happy with her fiancé. Her last 2 marriages ended badly..nastily.

Her 2 young adult children aren't happy. They`ve had issues with their dad, but still see him. Their step dad turned out so unbelievably cruel...mental abuse.

Daughter suffered too. But we have helped her with money and housing her. She asked if she could come home (5th time)again to mend.

The children went off to uni. Daughter didn't want to be alone and has lupus so is struggling.

She met a new man last year and has got engaged and is marrying him in the spring (covid permitting).

We like the new man, but cant help worrying that she is going to be ok.

My hubby, daughter`s son have said they wont go to the wedding..not interested.

I feel like piggy in the middle, but I will go to the wedding.

I worry the children will be damaged.
Any advice please?

sodapop Wed 30-Dec-20 13:07:32

Difficult situation to be in boodymum you can give your adult grandchildren a safe place to come when they are upset or worried. Your daughter has to live her life as she sees fit but you can support your grandchildren as well. It's hard trying to help everyone isn't it.

Toadinthehole Wed 30-Dec-20 13:18:20

You can only do your best. As sodapop says, it’s your daughter’s life...she has to live it. Just support as much as you feel able, and let everyone else do the same. If you want to go to the wedding....then do so. Don’t push others who don’t. I would say they might regret it later, especially your husband, but that would be for a first wedding, not third!

Keep well, look after yourself, be there if she needs you...if you can. Hope it all goes well for you all.💐

Nonogran Wed 30-Dec-20 13:18:40

Is there any point in having a quiet & private concerned chat with new man? Perhaps that's a step too far?

Namsnanny Wed 30-Dec-20 13:27:17

I agree with sodapop
The gchildren are off doi g their own thing now.
Not to dismiss the emotional and physical ramifications their mothers remarriage will have on them.
Just keep doing what you have in the past, being supportive.
If you can, find time to do more things you enjoy.
The gc will gradually disconnect as time goes on and you dont want to find yourself worrying endlessly, and nothing to fill your time with. flowers

Callistemon Wed 30-Dec-20 13:29:53

All you can do is support them.
Your grandchildren are anxious, which is natural, but I do hope they and your DH will feel able to go to the wedding (if allowed) and wish them all the best.
You can't make them, of course.

Someone dear to me has been married three times and I must say it is third time lucky and has lasted 30+ years now.

boodymum67 Wed 30-Dec-20 15:13:10

thank you all for your kind words of support.

Callistimon...that is just what I am hoping for.

Whenever our grandson (now 22) sends me a birthday, Christmas or whatever card, it always has reference to what a safe haven he deems me to be. Makes me feel good.

AGAA4 Wed 30-Dec-20 16:01:37

What a lovely compliment to get from your grandson boodymum67. Just carry on being a safe haven for your family. That is the best thing you can be.

vampirequeen Wed 30-Dec-20 17:28:01

Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices. My first wasn't a good choice at all. No one trusted my now DH when he came into my life and went so far as to ignore him on our wedding day. It's our 10th anniversary in August 2021. Despite what people thought/think he's a good man.

Maybe your daughter is making a good choice or maybe it's a bad choice. There is no way of knowing yet but give them a chance. Who knows it may be third time lucky

beverly10 Wed 30-Dec-20 18:01:05

Marriage does not work for some people try as they might, be they male/ female.What does marriage entail?
It is not about the needs/ expectations of just one but of two persons .Failing to understand /to acccept /to give / not just take. What more reason for breakdown.?

Bibbity Wed 30-Dec-20 18:43:39

Why the rush? If he is so wonderful why not just wait. Live together. Do everything up to legally binding them together.

If she owns is she going to try and legally protect her assets?

There isn’t a lot you can do. The children aren’t ‘children’ but can still be negatively affected by her choices.
Just be the wonderful GM you have always been.

crazygranny Thu 31-Dec-20 10:09:20

Go to the wedding. It will please your daughter and the others will get over it. Try not to worry - doesn't help anyone - especially you.

jaylucy Thu 31-Dec-20 10:15:27

Sadly , some women have such a low opinion of themselves that they believe they are only worthy if they are married to somebody - anybody , without barely leaving time between marriages to even learn what colour their husband's underpants are!
Your daughter is an adult as are her children and there is little that you can do .
There is nothing to say that this marriage will end up the same way as the others did. You say nothing about what her fiance is like as a person and he may just be at long last your daughters Mr Right !

Pythagorus Thu 31-Dec-20 10:17:28

Spot on Beverley!

TrendyNannie6 Thu 31-Dec-20 10:19:01

At the end of the day she will do what she wants to do it’s her life, but I can see why you would be concerned, I would be too as it’s pretty quick to get married again, but saying that if she’s happy who is really to say she shouldn’t, yes I’d go to the wedding, and what a fantastic grandson you have!

Hetty58 Thu 31-Dec-20 10:23:23

boodymum67, children? They are all grown up, aren't they?

You could try being happy for her. She might just have met her soul mate this time around.

You should stop worrying (it's her choice, after all) be supportive and go to the wedding - and so should your husband!

grandtanteJE65 Thu 31-Dec-20 10:29:56

Try to hope that she has found a good man at last.

I second all the advice already given and really hope this marriage will work for your daughter.

kazziecookie Thu 31-Dec-20 10:32:17

I married my 3rd husband when I was 42 and my 2 daughters were 12 & 14.
We had only been seeing each other just over a year and we had quite a few saying we were making a mistake. We have been married 22 years in May and are very happy and my daughters care greatly for him and still have their real Dad in their lives as well. I am so glad that I didn’t listen to the doubters.

newnanny Thu 31-Dec-20 10:33:53

No point worrying, so might as well wish your dd well. Go to the wedding to show her your support. With Covid she might only be able to have s very small number of guests anyway do her Dad and D's missing won't be so noticed. I think 6 guests are allowed ATM. For a third wedding she will probably want a small quiet affair anyway. Hope it's third time lucky for her.

polnan Thu 31-Dec-20 10:34:43

well yes,, one little word, I have a very close friend who was married twice, now with 3rd partner, they want to get married, but covid and all.. been with this 3rd partner some years now.. so hopefully, your daughter has found the right one...

Bluekitchen192 Thu 31-Dec-20 10:40:35

Must your daughter marry again? With two marriages behind her, adult children and a chronic illness, might it not be better to take her happiness as it presents itself and leave thought of a permanent union to one side for now? With lupus, her own future is uncertain. The hostility of her children should be a factor in any decision. Maybe postpone for a year at least?

Babs758 Thu 31-Dec-20 10:42:51

Definitely go. Your daughter and new partner will appreciate it. When I married not many of my husbands family could be bothered to attend as it was his second marriage. I was quite hurt as was/is my first! But I was pleased his parents, sister and grandmother did come and, now, 30 years on into the marriage I have valued their friendship. I never did get close to the rest of them.!

Youcantchoosethem Thu 31-Dec-20 10:46:33

Agree with most PP. support her, be there when needed and try not to judge. We all make mistakes in life and hopefully learn from them. Let’s hope that this choice is a good choice and they can be happy together. Your grandchildren are aware you offer a safety net and that’s the best compliment you can possibly have. flowers

cassandra264 Thu 31-Dec-20 10:52:53

I agree with Bluekitchen - she doesn't need to get married yet. A year or more together without all the legal stuff to see how it works first might be better for her and a reassurance for the rest of you too.
And/or - how about talking to her/them about attending a marriage preparation course? or for both of them to get some counselling from Relate or similar in order to try to prevent/ avoid future problems? You are not being critical in suggesting either; just recognising there have been difficulties in the past and wishing for her future happiness.

Bernthefern Thu 31-Dec-20 10:55:52

Your daughter is an adult and free to make her own mistakes. All you can do is gently point out your concerns but tell her you will support her whatever she decides to do. She is going to do what she wants anyway.