We need to laugh - especially in a pandemic!

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed

Two women having a chat.
"My husband bought me a huge bunch of flowers"
"That was nice of him"
" Well no, he'll expect me to spread my legs"
"Why, haven't you got a vase?"

One bat to his mate
"What's been the worse day of your life?"
"When I had diarrhoea"

Love this.....

?? Sparklefizz

Absolutely love it Spinnaker and have stolen it to cheer up my friends.

You should be so lucky!

When I told my wife I'd traded our bed in for a trampoline, she hit the roof!

How delightful and refreshing this is. I've managed to smile and laugh constantly without any spoiler interjections. Thanks to all contributors. Absolutely great!

A man I worked with told me this had happened to his wife. (Really).

She had a medical appointment that involved an intimate examination. She left work early, went home, showered, changed her underwear, etc. (As you do!).

Tea time arrived and her daughter asked how things had gone. She said “it wasn’t too bad but he said something I didn’t understand - he said “you needn’t have bothered”. I only did the usual things but I used some of your Femfresh” The daughter said “I haven’t got any Femfresh”.

So they went upstairs to look. Only to find she had sprayed it with glitter!

!

If this were to happen I'd be vaccinated by the end of this week

I overheard a man say to someone "I can't work from home"

The other chap asked "Why not?"

"I'm a burglar......"

I've expanded my skills.
I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it.

Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

A tourist sauntered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and said: “what's the quickest way to get to Brecon from here?
Rhodri the landlord answered: “Are you walking or going by car?”
The tourist answered: “By car, of course.”
Rhodri said: “Well, that's the quickest way."

Bob and Alice trying to economise during furlough, cut down on the home deliveries.
Alice “Bob you should cut down on the beer, it’s costing a fortune”.
Bob “Well you should cut down on the makeup Alice, it’s too expensive”
Alice “I only buy it so that I look attractive to you”.
Bob “That’s what the beer’s for”.

Just seen a news report about the stresses and strains of self isolation.
It reported that people are going crazy from being in lock down!
It was strange, actually, because I had just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down. She said everything will be fine, which surprised me because she’s usually the first one to apply unnecessary pressure and get steamed up over nothing.

Justwidowed ?

If only they could somehow get the vaccine in beer, then open all the pubs. Everyone would be vaccinated by Thursday. Just trying to help.

Happy new year

This is topical if you’re Welsh, best laugh I’ve had today!

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR REDUCING STRES!

1. Thou shalt not be perfect or even try
2. Thou shalt not try to be all things to all people
3. Thou shall leave things undone that ought to be done
4. Thou shalt not spread thyself too thinly
5. Thou shalt learn to say no
6. Thou shalt schedule time for thyself and thy supportive network
7. Thou shalt switch off regularly and do nothing
8. Thou shalt be boring, untidy, inelegant and unattractive at times
9. Thou shalt not feel guilty
10. Especially, thou shalt not be thine worst enemy, but be
thy best friend

This one amused me ,

So football has been suspended.
So for a change I started to talk to my wife and found out she got made redundant from Woolworths.

Gwenisgreat1, that bath tub joke is brilliant ?, absolutely loved it!

love it Minimoon