Childcare

Tell them you’ll try and get a COVID test before you have the children, to make sure you aren’t carrying the virus as you don’t want to put them at risk? As you’re not feeling 100%? Sometimes a little white lie is needed to break the cycle of selfishness.

I hope things resolve amicably for you. It’s such a rotten time for everyone. I bent the rules last lockdown to help my daughter and son I. Law with their children as they both work from home and life is not easy. However, this time I have stayed away - it all seems so much more serious and frankly I’m scared of a)getting it and b) getting them or me in trouble. Like so many I’m desperate to seee them all and hate to know they are struggling. Let’s hope our vaccines get done soon. ?

I never cease to be astonished at the selfishness of a lot of the younger generation, which has shown itself in all it's ugliness during the pandemic. Do your son and DIL really not care about you? Who will look after your GC if you die from covid?

Why in earth should you apologise for something you didn’t even do. Do they not care about your health, as long as they get child care. How disgraceful

I agree with Esspee too

I helped most days with grandchildren for over 2 yrs I was eager and glad to do it initially but it became long hours and a chore. It aged me 10 yrs and nearly wrecked my marriage until I had enough. I was basically on a time table which took over my life with no consideration for my husband. I decided I had to back off and would help when really necessary.

Obviously this last year has been very difficult for everyone I have helped support-my family financially. I am appreciated for that and our relationship is ok.

It's different from when I was a child and we went to visit granny. I would never have expected my mother to be a full time childminder it's too much. The responsibility some grandparents have now and can be overwhelming. I think most times as a grandparent you are taken for granted.

This is a difficult one. You want to see your grandsons but your AS and DIL are being selfish. I completely sympathise because I have encountered similar problems since starting to take care of my only grandson (later 2 grandsons) five and a half years ago. When things got really tricky I decided I wasn't doing it for my daughter but for the grandsons and since then I have always put what is best for them first. The change of attitude has really helped me. I do my best and have a lot of support from my husband but realise that we are getting older and can't keep going for ever. At some point we are going to have to be selfish ourselves - but not until this coronavirus crisis is over.

i agree with Esspee.

So you have caved in to keep the peace.
You will have only yourself to blame if you end up being completely on your own when your babysitting is no longer required.
You partner may well reach the stage where he has had enough and I wouldn’t blame him. You are in an abusive relationship with your son and his wife and your partner sees this but you won’t listen.

Thank you for your replies, they are most helpful and reassuring. Since this post things were awful but have improved a little better and i have agreed to look after the boys 2 afternoons a week. My son has really been out of order and said some awful things to me and then apologies and DIL sticks up for him. Yes, they are selfish but for the sake of my Granchildren I try to keep the peace. My partner is really angry !!. My son seem to think I have to put them first before my partner. Unfortunately DIL's family live to far away to help out . I wish I could get through to my son and tell him I have a life of my own .

As I read it, all you've said is that you won't see them for two weeks until your daughter-in-law goes back to work.
So what are they going to do for childcare for the two children, if they're not talking to you and the nursery has closed? Hmmm?
They sound a very self-centred pair.
You've done nothing wrong.

This might be a good time to develop a niggling cough?

I would simply tell your son and daughter-in-law that because infection rates are soaring you feel vulnerable and unable to look after your grandchildren.
You don’t ask your son for time off. You raised your children. It’s their job to take care of their children.
Do not be browbeaten by this selfish couple. You and your partner should be able to enjoy your life together without having to ask permission from anyone.

I think a lot of people are more prickly at the moment because of the situation. Some people find it more worrying and difficult to deal with than others. The differences in opinion can cause rifts.

I'd say to cut them a little slack and maybe they'll reciprocate. Maybe apologise (even if you aren't at fault!) and say that you were trying to discuss what to do, not to cause problems.

I hope that you can sort this out amicably in the end.