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(65 Posts)
Edge26 Tue 05-Jan-21 18:31:25

I supported my son, DIL and DGS's aged 3 and 6 months during last lockdown and still saw them although I was'nt in their bubble as my partner lives with me so i probably broke some rules although i did'nt mix with any one else and i am retired. My DGS started Nursery yesterday but DIL informed me this morning that nursery is being shut down the same as Primary schools. We had agreed childcare when my DIL goes back to work in a fortnight. Because of this new variant of Covid and the stay at home policy I suggested to my DIL that we keep to the rule and when she goes back to work then we start the childcare and said we can facetime etc. She really took the hump and basically said what's the difference between last lockdown and this one and said for me not to contact her and DGS again. I was so upset, I have been there for them all over the years. My son will probably agree with her, I'm surprised he has'nt got on the phone to me to have a go. My son and I have been having problems since last July as he was'nt happy when i asked him if myself and my partner could have time to ourselves and he suggested that my partner was the instigator and they had words and are now not speaking and now have been having anxiety problems Should I have done things differently. Any words of advice would be most welcome.

Septimia Tue 05-Jan-21 19:06:29

I think a lot of people are more prickly at the moment because of the situation. Some people find it more worrying and difficult to deal with than others. The differences in opinion can cause rifts.

I'd say to cut them a little slack and maybe they'll reciprocate. Maybe apologise (even if you aren't at fault!) and say that you were trying to discuss what to do, not to cause problems.

I hope that you can sort this out amicably in the end.

Esspee Tue 05-Jan-21 22:12:38

I would simply tell your son and daughter-in-law that because infection rates are soaring you feel vulnerable and unable to look after your grandchildren.
You don’t ask your son for time off. You raised your children. It’s their job to take care of their children.
Do not be browbeaten by this selfish couple. You and your partner should be able to enjoy your life together without having to ask permission from anyone.

geekesse Tue 05-Jan-21 22:18:40

This might be a good time to develop a niggling cough?

V3ra Tue 05-Jan-21 22:37:57

As I read it, all you've said is that you won't see them for two weeks until your daughter-in-law goes back to work.
So what are they going to do for childcare for the two children, if they're not talking to you and the nursery has closed? Hmmm?
They sound a very self-centred pair.
You've done nothing wrong.

Edge26 Tue 12-Jan-21 22:00:59

Thank you for your replies, they are most helpful and reassuring. Since this post things were awful but have improved a little better and i have agreed to look after the boys 2 afternoons a week. My son has really been out of order and said some awful things to me and then apologies and DIL sticks up for him. Yes, they are selfish but for the sake of my Granchildren I try to keep the peace. My partner is really angry !!. My son seem to think I have to put them first before my partner. Unfortunately DIL's family live to far away to help out . I wish I could get through to my son and tell him I have a life of my own .

Esspee Tue 12-Jan-21 22:51:40

So you have caved in to keep the peace.
You will have only yourself to blame if you end up being completely on your own when your babysitting is no longer required.
You partner may well reach the stage where he has had enough and I wouldn’t blame him. You are in an abusive relationship with your son and his wife and your partner sees this but you won’t listen.

welbeck Wed 13-Jan-21 00:43:04

i agree with Esspee.

GrannyRose15 Wed 13-Jan-21 01:17:21

This is a difficult one. You want to see your grandsons but your AS and DIL are being selfish. I completely sympathise because I have encountered similar problems since starting to take care of my only grandson (later 2 grandsons) five and a half years ago. When things got really tricky I decided I wasn't doing it for my daughter but for the grandsons and since then I have always put what is best for them first. The change of attitude has really helped me. I do my best and have a lot of support from my husband but realise that we are getting older and can't keep going for ever. At some point we are going to have to be selfish ourselves - but not until this coronavirus crisis is over.

Redhead56 Wed 13-Jan-21 01:30:41

I helped most days with grandchildren for over 2 yrs I was eager and glad to do it initially but it became long hours and a chore. It aged me 10 yrs and nearly wrecked my marriage until I had enough. I was basically on a time table which took over my life with no consideration for my husband. I decided I had to back off and would help when really necessary.

Obviously this last year has been very difficult for everyone I have helped support-my family financially. I am appreciated for that and our relationship is ok.

It's different from when I was a child and we went to visit granny. I would never have expected my mother to be a full time childminder it's too much. The responsibility some grandparents have now and can be overwhelming. I think most times as a grandparent you are taken for granted.

Rigmor Wed 13-Jan-21 10:22:59

I agree with Esspee too

minxie Wed 13-Jan-21 10:26:07

Why in earth should you apologise for something you didn’t even do. Do they not care about your health, as long as they get child care. How disgraceful

Phloembundle Wed 13-Jan-21 10:30:54

I never cease to be astonished at the selfishness of a lot of the younger generation, which has shown itself in all it's ugliness during the pandemic. Do your son and DIL really not care about you? Who will look after your GC if you die from covid?

NanaPlenty Wed 13-Jan-21 10:31:31

I hope things resolve amicably for you. It’s such a rotten time for everyone. I bent the rules last lockdown to help my daughter and son I. Law with their children as they both work from home and life is not easy. However, this time I have stayed away - it all seems so much more serious and frankly I’m scared of a)getting it and b) getting them or me in trouble. Like so many I’m desperate to seee them all and hate to know they are struggling. Let’s hope our vaccines get done soon. 🤞

Nitpick48 Wed 13-Jan-21 10:32:04

Tell them you’ll try and get a COVID test before you have the children, to make sure you aren’t carrying the virus as you don’t want to put them at risk? As you’re not feeling 100%? Sometimes a little white lie is needed to break the cycle of selfishness.

SylviaPlathssister Wed 13-Jan-21 10:33:45

Gawd children are so selfish and your son has no spine. Your DIL is a witch. But children have blinkers when it comes to our feelings. We have none.
I remember when one of my sons needed to return home to complete a course. He said “ I will need my space “ Not a thought about how his parents also needed privacy.
We love them more than they love us....there’s the rub.

Juicylucy Wed 13-Jan-21 10:35:16

I also agree with esspee. But I do think there is underlying issues and get the impression it’s all to do with your partner.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 13-Jan-21 10:40:41

Firtsly Don’t bend the rules, I and millions of other ps are sitting at home without seeing my GCs because people are bending the rules, thousands have died because of people Bending or should I say Flouting the rules.

When did Grandparents become so spineless?

Say No and mean it for heavens sake.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 13-Jan-21 10:42:15

Not sure where the ps came from, although there should be an s on other

TrendyNannie6 Wed 13-Jan-21 10:47:07

Oh wow bless your heart Edge26, you have selfish DIL and son, I also helped with childcare with my grandson but as soon as covid reared it’s ugly head my DD made other arrangements she wouldn’t have put me or my DH at risk, I wouldn’t be asking for time off and agree with esspee one hundred percent, it just amazes me the way some AC are speaking to their parents, we are all struggling!

Riggie Wed 13-Jan-21 10:48:21

My son will probably agree with her

As he should.

moobox Wed 13-Jan-21 10:49:43

If I am reading the story right, you are planning to form a childcare bubble in 2 weeks and meanwhile only see them virtually. What can they object to? We are all jittery now, and the childcare bubble is dangerous enough. Are they aware you can't socialise with them on top of the childcare?

jaylucy Wed 13-Jan-21 10:51:32

Sorry, but your DS is out of order saying what he did.
He assumed that you would drop everything and go running to help whenever he wanted .
You have every right to want to spend time with your partner and I really wonder if your DS would have said what he did , if the time you wanted to spend was with his father?
As others have said, a lot of people are really prickly and desperate with so many companies closing , furloughs and redundancies that having enough money to pay the bills seems the priority over anything else, but it isn't your fault that the nursery closed. Your DS and DiL should have seen you as a last resort and not assumed.

Santana Wed 13-Jan-21 10:55:46

I think you need to be really careful with a childcare bubble, which is what you are planning. You are allowed to have the children but no social contact with parents. We do handover on doorstep with careful hand washing straight away.
I'm not neurotic but Covid is not a game, it's serious, so we need to be vigilant.

Ydoc Wed 13-Jan-21 11:09:44

You shouldn't have "to get through" to your son to tell him you have your own life that should be obvious. There is so many selfish AC now I can only think we spoilt them. I too am having problems, only called on when needed. No care at all for my welfare mustn't be so selfish as to mention myself!! Seems we have to shut up and get on with it according to our AC. Good luck, don't lose your partner if he's a good one, hard to find x