Childcare

You’re not wrong Edge. As someone up thread said, being a mum and homemaker should be classed as a job. Instead it is undervalued to the point people who would like to stay at home, ( and I’ve known plenty of them), can’t because they can’t afford to. Of course, there’s the other types who have children, and still want their careers. Completely baffles me, but that’s another thread! It sounds like your DIL is in the latter group...but of course, you care about your grandchildren and want what’s best, even if their mother appears not to. Please look after yourself. We don’t really have much choice at the moment ?

MamaB247

If your DIL and son have a child under 2 they can form a bubble with you anyway. They couldn't in the first lockdown.

my reading is that the child has to be under one year old, on the date 2nd Dec 2020.

Thank you all for your kind and truthful replies. It has made me look at things in a different light, as sometimes you start to doubt yourself and think maybe I'm in the wrong. x

What a selfish son and DIL. They should be concerned for your safety, above all else!

Tell your son and DIL to go forth and multipy - after treating you so badly why on earth would you want to help them? Its not even allowed unless your two households are in a support bubble, which it appears you are not. If people choose to have children then they should sort out childcare without having to rely on elderly parents to provide it. Your partner should be your first priority - not proving childcare for ungrateful adult children, in a situation when this is not a good idea anyway!

Oh dear then you and your relationship are beyond help. Your son needs to grow up and fast.

Absolutely spot on. There is only one side at fault here and it's not yours.

SylviaPlathssister Totally agree with your post.

4allweknow. You must have missed the bit about the OP having to ask her son if she and her partner could have some time off, the son then abusing both the OP and her partner whom he now doesn’t speak to.
The OP doesn’t want to continue this abusive arrangement. It is causing anxiety and risks her relationship with her partner.
Despite being assured that she is not being unreasonable in her concerns she has again caved in to the selfish demands of her son and daughter in law.
That is why everyone is upset.

I think there's such a panic going on at the moment with parents juggling work and childcare and the restrictions making it harder. But we mustn't be made to feel guilty. I too have had a bit of pressure in the last week. I'm living alone but I do have volunteering and I was left with the feeling that that wasn't important. I've made it clear it is and we have come to a compromise. I still have the guilt feeling but know it will all pan out because I've had this regularly in the last 10 years!!

I hate to criticise someone else’s son and daughter-in-law but, it is not you who should have done things differently. They sounds either thoughtless or selfish or both.

My daughter has looked after her own grandchildren but her daughter will not now allow this as it is putting my daughter, her mum, at risk. Both my daughter and her partner have medical problems which make them vulnerable. Of course they are all missing each other but, they are looking after each other’s welfare and that is how it should be.

The problems began when the pattern of both parents working full time began. Parents no longer expect to bring up their own children. The current status quo is awful for children, parents and grandparents. Bringing up children is grossly undervalued as a way of spending time. Having said that we are where we are. I look after my grandchildren more than I would ideally, because I love them and am determined they should not be in daycare until they are at least 2 and a half. I do this for me (my peace of mind) and for the emotional health of my grandchildren. I don't do it for gratitude from my S or DIL - although I have to say they are appreciative.

So you are going to still carry on with childcare but not for another 2 weeks when DIL returns to work. Why is everyone upset?

I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to mind a toddler and a baby, and my family wouldn’t have dreamed of asking me to. At your age it isn’t fair to you or the children, and your health is likely to suffer from the strain, without the added problems that Covid brings.
I do ‘t Know if your son’s father is alive, but there certainly seems to be some animosity towards your partner, for whatever reason. I know that you want to continue to see the children, but allowing this ‘entitled’ couple to tell you how to live your life is not a good idea, and is bound to end in tears.
If they had any thought for your welfare they would sort out their own childcare arrangements, and allow you to do the occasional bit of childminding on your own terms. Why did they have a second child and take it for granted that you would carry the load? You should be enjoying your retirement, not tuning yourselves ragged after small children.

I'm not sure what your DiL is objecting to. If DGS has only just started nursery and it has closed and you are starting childcare in 2 weeks why can't she look after him for another 2 weeks like she was doing? Childcare is hard work and I think sometimes our children don't appreciate that people slow down a bit as they get older. DH has a nap after lunch and 2 DGC don't, currently 1 does normally but sometimes not so who is the one who has to look after them I wonder! We do our best but have lots of suggestions "you could do this and this and that!"

During the last lockdown my friend had similar problems with her son and DIL and my friend said the only way she would do the childcare was if the children stayed with her for consecutive days to minimise the comings and goings. She did this for 2 days a week the whole time.

If your DIL and son have a child under 2 they can form a bubble with you anyway. They couldn't in the first lockdown.

Well said toad-in-the-hole, you need to keep safe Edge26

I agree you have a first priority to keep safe yourself and this is harder with the new variant of covid. It's also likely that your son and dil could be financially devastated by the inability to work and pay the bills. It's hard times and hard choices and I think you can only decide for yourself and are correct to say you can't help this time. Hope everyone gets over it in time.

It seems to me you’re dancing to their tune, and as long as you keep doing that, they’ll be fine! I wouldn’t advocate this normally....let alone in a pandemic. You need to keep yourselves safe....and it sounds like your son and DIL don’t care about you at all in this respect. She just wants to get back to work. She doesn’t even appear to put her children first either! I would advise you to be firm and say “ no”.

I completely agree with others; V3ra echoes my very thoughts.
To safeguard your health, make yourself unavailable to them both now and when your DiL returns to work. ‘Develop’ some of the symptoms, tell them because of x reason you have to isolate, remind them you’re very anxious and so not in a good place to childmind. Keep putting them off. They won’t be able to blame you directly, will they?
In the meantime they’ll have to turn to her parents and his father for help. Hopefully these other people will make them reconsider their approach. You’ll have time to consider your partner’s response to the situation and spent much-needed time with him. Tbh, I think he’s spot on.
Your DGC are their parents’ responsibility, not yours - you’re a grandmother, Edge26, not a surrogate mother.

No you are not being too sensitive at all.

These are the same brats who were born in the 80's. No sense of responsibility whatsoever, selfish and entitled. We've got one in the family.

So, yo either do what they say, or you are deprived of the children. So, who's the instigator here? Are you expected to be at their beck and call, and send your partner packing, so they can have you (actually, the services you provide 100% for themselves? That is what I am understanding from this.

Espee is spot on.Children today are selfish they expect the world to revolve around them.